To think having children makes women miserable?

[missylissy9]

I’m only in uni and nowhere near having children but reflecting on my own family it’s something I think about a lot.

Growing up my mum did everything around also having a demanding full time job as a teacher. She did all cooking, cleaning and organising of pretty much everything in the house and for me and my sister. My dad played golf every Saturday and Sunday and sometimes during the week and so I spent nearly all my time with her meaning me and my dad don’t really have a relationship. He never really had the patience to deal with children and would regularly get angry at us for completely normal child things e.g spilling a drink or not being able to stop laughing at the dinner table. It’s like walking on eggshells.

Despite finishing work at 4 everyday he would come home and relax all night despite my mum returning much later, doing all cooking and then having no time to herself as she had marking to do later.

My parents don’t really have a relationship, my dad seems to get annoyed by anything she does or says. They only time they spend together is when we eat dinner as a family, nothing outside that. He’s told her before he’s not interested in anything to do with her work and never asks her about her day or how she is. Any extra tutoring she used to do he used to get annoyed at for not spending enough time with us (ironic I know).

I’ve always wondered why she didn’t kick him out, they’re not married and she owns the house completely on her own, but maybe it’s not that simple and I’d never have the heart to ask her. I have no doubt she loves being a mother and we have an amazing relationship that I wouldn’t trade for the world but I can’t help but think she’s spent most of my life deeply unhappy, and continues to now.

I guess my question is can you ever guarantee you won’t end up like this before becoming a mother, no matter how amazing your partner is before? Talking to a lot of my friends it seems common (most either divorced, unhappy or rich enough to hire people to not have the problem) but despite having always wanted kids I can’t help but think staying single would be better? Or is it just something you have to sacrifice?

Regardless of who op genuinely is, yanbu. My life now revolves around the kids and DH and i often feel like my needs come last.

From your OP, I'd say having a lazy selfish husband makes women miserable.

Having children is without doubt the best thing I ever did and made me feel more happy and purposeful than anything else ever. And I have had two very fulfilling and enjoyable vocational careers which I love. I know if I hadn;t had children I'd feel like something central was missing from my life. No woman should ever feel obliged to think this way or pressurised to have children or enjoy motherhood. But I loved it. (After the baby years. Which I bloody hated.)

There is one of these threads every week. You do you.

Embarrassing

Any needs I had are only met once everyone else’s wants are met. I know it is because children are inherently selfish, and I was the same. I understand my own mum a lot more now.

I think the issue isn't having children, it's having children with someone that doesn't pull their weight and leaves all the hard and mundane shit to the woman.

I don’t think it’s having children, it’s probably having a shit partner. I’d say my life has got better since having children, but it is very hard work.

New born - unbelievable love. Soft, sweet smelling and utterly delectable.
Toddlers - hysterical, unreasonable and so so so loving.
Children - fun, mad, chaotic and loving.
Teenagers - FUNNY. Emotional and complicated but so so much fun and so so funny.
Now - interesting and again so funny.

Nothing worth doing is easy. I always worked and loved every minute of having my children.
Them being tiny is such a tiny part of your life.

There is a lot of anti child propaganda out at the moment but as someone who didn’t think she would ever have children I am so pleased I did.

Sounds like your mum is miserable because your dad is an arsehole. I'm a single mum, I'm quite happy with just me and DS and no man around to drag me down. I had DS later in life as I was 35 when he was born, so I had plenty of time to just be me.

In October 2023 you wrote;

”Currently looking at weekly boarding schools for DS (currently in Y5). Myself and DH both boarded as teenagers and absolutely loved it. He boarded full time and I did weekly and we've decided that we would like our DC…”

I hate this rather modern narrative that having kids is rubbish, oppressive etc.

What’s oppressive or rubbish is usually the man you choose to have them with and how many couples don’t discuss things like careers and finances before embarking on that journey. E.g I’ve said in many threads on this sort of topic that I refused (even before conception) to use my savings to pay for my maternity leave. More women need to tell the bloke to sod off with this rhetoric that we should pay as we’re at home looking after the baby and stalling our careers. These sorts of discussions can help prevent resentment.

It’s always interesting to me that people will delay marriage for years but rush into babies with limited discussion. Yeah sure, he may not follow it afterwards but at least you were upfront.

Happy with the kids, they’ve been and are an incredibly fulfilling part of my life (although I do think there are other ways of being fulfilled especially if you aren’t super into the idea of kids). It’s the fathers (2 in my case) that are the issue.

I had to get tough with myself about this. If I need to do something for myself I do it. When DS was a newborn it was harder, but now he's a toddler he goes in his playpen if I need to get a drink, have a shower, go to the toilet or even just have five minutes to breathe. He might scream, but I refuse to feel guilty. I'd feel much worse if I lost my temper and shouted at him.

I cannot when they are screaming. It goes right through me.

My DD does this thing where she endlessly repeats herself. It really has a nails on a blackboard effect on me.

I don’t know about you but I also didn’t realise I was being a law onto myself and not letting dad take charge as I didn’t want my DD to feel upset.

Even now if she’s crying for me (at bed time usually) but I need a break, I have to remind myself she’s with her dad and I need a break too.

I think a lot of us Mothers don’t let dads take over enough or take time for ourselves generally as we feel mum guilt and that breeds even more resentment.

Having children makes me miserable but im a single parent and I think that’s why. I don’t regret them now they are here but If I had my time again…

Only if you're married to a prick, who sits on his bum all day.

My children have been the biggest blessing in my life.

Maybe it’s having useless partners that makes women miserable not having children

Your dad made your mum miserable, not having children.

Nothing in life is ever guaranteed but I do actually think it’s fairly easy to tell if your partner will be a shit dad or not, before you have kids. I have yet to come across anyone in my life or my friend’s and family member’s lives where is came as a surprise that their partner ended up being a terrible father. The red flags are there for those who wish to see them.

Ha.

I was 37 when I met DH; I wasn’t a wide eyed teen. He was decent, kind, respectful and considerate. Then … Ds happened and somehow my old life vanished and is still MIA while DHs continues more or less as it ever did!

It is pointless analysing when and how it happened but I don’t think it’s possible at all, certainly not in all cases.

I was unhappy in my relationship OP but never unhappy in having my children.

Hang on a minute, everything you’ve said in your OP mentions what a piece of shit your dad is. If your mother is miserable (I don’t blame her) it’s because of the aforementioned piece of shit. Not you and not being a mother to you.

FWIW I’ve been unhappy while being a mother before. But not because of my children, I love them more than anything and I love being their mum. But I’ve learnt the hard way that who you co parent with makes all the difference.

i don’t think having children was your mums issue. I think being married to a shitty man child was. More and unhappy marriage than unhappy motherhood

Having children doesn’t make women miserable, having a lazy husband who doesn’t help out enough and spends all their free time on themselves or their hobbies makes women miserable. Your mum was miserable because your dad was selfish and lazy in regards to parenting and house jobs

Your father was a selfish dick, but that doesn't mean your mother was/is miserable about being a .

I'm a single parent, love being a mother, full time job etc etc but not having a horrible man in the home, as your mum has, undoubtedly contributed to my happiness.

I suspect your mum is staying with him 'for the sake of the children' so you definately should talk to her about it.

I'm sure she'd much rather be a grandmother than spend her old age with your father.