To think having children makes women miserable?

[missylissy9]

I’m only in uni and nowhere near having children but reflecting on my own family it’s something I think about a lot.

Growing up my mum did everything around also having a demanding full time job as a teacher. She did all cooking, cleaning and organising of pretty much everything in the house and for me and my sister. My dad played golf every Saturday and Sunday and sometimes during the week and so I spent nearly all my time with her meaning me and my dad don’t really have a relationship. He never really had the patience to deal with children and would regularly get angry at us for completely normal child things e.g spilling a drink or not being able to stop laughing at the dinner table. It’s like walking on eggshells.

Despite finishing work at 4 everyday he would come home and relax all night despite my mum returning much later, doing all cooking and then having no time to herself as she had marking to do later.

My parents don’t really have a relationship, my dad seems to get annoyed by anything she does or says. They only time they spend together is when we eat dinner as a family, nothing outside that. He’s told her before he’s not interested in anything to do with her work and never asks her about her day or how she is. Any extra tutoring she used to do he used to get annoyed at for not spending enough time with us (ironic I know).

I’ve always wondered why she didn’t kick him out, they’re not married and she owns the house completely on her own, but maybe it’s not that simple and I’d never have the heart to ask her. I have no doubt she loves being a mother and we have an amazing relationship that I wouldn’t trade for the world but I can’t help but think she’s spent most of my life deeply unhappy, and continues to now.

I guess my question is can you ever guarantee you won’t end up like this before becoming a mother, no matter how amazing your partner is before? Talking to a lot of my friends it seems common (most either divorced, unhappy or rich enough to hire people to not have the problem) but despite having always wanted kids I can’t help but think staying single would be better? Or is it just something you have to sacrifice?

I think maybe OP is unhappy in motherhood and her OP is her situation, but didn't want to say it was her own experience because she was worried about being judged.

l think your father being crap is what led to your mother being miserable.

The lesson that women should take from this is that as soon as the father shows he can’t be arsed to step up and take care of his child, leave him. It will of course be difficult and come with challenges, but it will probably prevent a life time of misery too.

Who cares, maybe it's a thought experiment.

Maybe being pregnant with her 4th is making OP reflect back to when she was a child-free uni student and is posting on their “behalf” 😉

Nope, 46 with teens. I moan, am broken and exhausted but they’re my whole everything. I regret nothing. I think it’s something you’ll never be able to convince so many people though, they only see the tiredness, they don’t see the pride, the fun, the love. You parents will have had moments where they could have burst they were so happy and proud and fulfilled x

Wouldn't you name change or word it as such then?

YABU you just have to be careful who you marry. Why marry someone who doesn't relate well to children?
Your Mum had the power here as she was working, owned all the house and he didn't help in the house/nor with his children.
Babies/children generally bring joy.

I just find these posts really weird - MY best thing in MY life is being a wife and mother therefore it will be for everyone if done right.

That's like saying MY favorite food is sardines and if you just cook them like I do you'll love sardines too and if you don't you're missing out on the joy you could be getting from eating sardines.

I get a lot of satisfaction out of working long hours in a tough job in the city. My friend really enjoys being a nurse. Another loves being a SAHM. Different things bring different people happiness. Of course everyone loves their kids. But for some people the actual job of having to look after other people's needs all day every day they find really hard and not in an enjoyable way. Not because they are worse people but because the job of parenting isn't aligned to everyone's interests and skills.

Any multitude of reasons. I always assume posters change info.

I think it can. It isn’t the children themselves but while on here everyone who isn’t married to someone who is totally 50/50 did so through careful, considered choice, for many of us how much they had to do and how crap their partners were came as a hell of a shock.

But to claim you're single and childfree on one thread then claim you're married with 3 and a bit kids on another, seems bizarre.

Being a mother and being a wife are two separate things.

Many people have bad marriages which may have always been bad. My marriage definitely changed after the children arrived. But that is not the fault of the children.

I love my children enormously and I can't imagine anything as fulfilling as raising little people well and being able to love them my whole life. Then watching them go out into the world and thrive.

I think you've described a childhood where you had a bad and lazy father, that's not your fault.
I also had a terrible father. But, there are lots of good fathers out there, I know this to be fact because my children have one.

I can only speak for myself, but I always knew it would make me miserable, hence why I chose to be child-free :)

That’s one adjective. ‘Troll like’ is another!

It’s clearly someone just making stuff up; best reported.

so much of it comes down to who you choose to have kids with.
Rubbish partner makes it 100% harder. But I and all my close friends waited until our 30s to have kids and were in longer relationships and so far so good. There is always a chance you could end up with a bad one but I do think spending real time and thought about who you have kids with can be the most important choice you ever make.

But even without my husband, My kids are the best thing that ever happened to me, even on the hard days

I think this is a huge aspect. There is a forum to support parents who regret their children and it's less than half of the people posting who are single parents.

Your question is misguided. The question should be, do bad husbands make mothers miserable? It has nothing to do with the children!

Really I do agree. And I think it’s why the birth rate is rapidly declining - women have choice. They don’t have to be a wife and mother.

That was my dad but my mum divorced him. She found a new man and had a happy life. My dad is still alone. That is my FIL to a certain extent but no where near as bad. My husband swore never to be that man. He is a wonderful father and husband. All my good friends have great husbands too who are very involved in their kids lives and do their share of cooking and cleaning etc.
You know what you want in a husband and father so don't settle for anything less.

It depends how much you wanted them. Also, how many you have, how much money you have, how much support you have, etc. Plus, of course, you never know what you're gonna get. Some children are easier to raise than others.

The women I really pity are those trapped in poverty. Sub-Saharan Africa has by far the highest birth rate in the world. In fact, the population of sub-Saharan Africa is going to double. No doubt some women in Nigeria or the Congo do want four or five kids, but I suspect the vast majority do not and would rather have the time and space to educate themselves or pursue a career (or just live in peace). It is no coincidence that whernever female education improves the birth rate drops.

Children don’t make women miserable, men do. I am a single mother by choice and I’m blissfully happy just me and my toddler. Hard work but nothing to resent and on the whole I love every second. I think more women should choose to go it alone!

My children are genuinely the joy of my life. I’m not always happy - mostly but it always - but that’s for nothing to do with the kids!

I don’t have a man in my life - perhaps that’s it reading some of these posts???