AIBU to warn a friend about a birthday party invitation?

[EggSugarButterLemon]

I’ve been invited to my very good friends surprise birthday party in August. Lovely idea I know.

But for complicated reasons to do with my friends mental health that the relative is not aware of she will HATE this and possibly cause a relapse in MH episode she has worked hard to come out of.

But she’ll still have to go so perhaps not knowing and just managing on the day will be good for her?

Also it’s not my business to say anything.

But think she’ll be cross at me not warning her.

What would people do?

Not knowing one specific trauma doesn’t mean the person isn’t close to the person.

Literally 5 people in the world know I was sexually assaulted by hearing it from me - one friend, my DH, a nurse and a doctor at the minor injuries, and my therapist. It’s not something I share with people even very very close to me.

I would tell the organiser that you want to let them know that your friend would really hate the surprise element of the party as you and her have an agreement to promise to tell each other if a surprise party is ever going to be organised for each other. That way there is no doubt for the organiser that your friend will hate it. The only issue with this is if your friend would be upset with the party aspect as well and not just the surprise aspect.

If you have a way to get in touch with the organiser for the purposes of attending, perhaps you could tell them and at least suggest that if they go ahead the ‘cover story’ is taking them out for a small birthday meal or something, so your friend has a chance to mentally prepare for a celebration and dress appropriately?

1. They won't want a surprise party.
2. There are certain people likely to be invited who the "surprisee" has detatched herself from.
3. Its not a situation where being told a cover story will be in the least helpful

I think there are likely invitees that would be a REALLY big problem for the friend.

Some people just can't handle the element of surprise and if you're worried I'd float a conversation on the topic and if she states that she'd hate it then I'd warn her.

Better for her to fake surprise and be able to enjoy an event she's prepared for than be knocked by something that's supposed to be a positive.

Oh my god , why do people do this ?
It’s definitely some sort of attention seeking ego driven bullshit.
When I was a younger woman I’d have been a self conscious nervous mess to be on the receiving end of a stunt like this , these days I’d turn tail and walk out .
You’re being a good friend by telling her.
Does anyone really enjoy a surprise party ?
I find it so hard to believe .

the OP already knows that she will hate this and it is possible that it would make her ill.

100% tell her. It's my 40th this summer and I've already warned all my friends and family (after my sister's surprise party a few years ago) that if anyone did it to me, I'd turn around and walk right out. The thing with surprises, is that they're rarely catered for what the surprisee would actually want

She needs to know!

II agree

I think this is a good idea.

I mean more as a way of introducing the topic to her rather than just telling her outright.

It's a safer option than speaking to the organiser as they are completely unaware of OP's friend's trauma.

Difficult position to be in.

When my work friend left our old job, some of our former co-workers decided to spring a surprise goodbye breakfast on her when she dropped her laptop off. Thing was, the circumstances of the way she'd been laid off had been quite upsetting and I knew full well she wasn't going to want this.

Given enough notice, I would have given her a heads up to give her the chance to swerve it, no question. However, I'd been on leave the week they were planning it, so I only knew about it at the last minute myself and didn't have time to. (As it turned out, it didn't go ahead - she didn't end up dropping her laptop in that day as planned after all. Party organisers whinged about the breakfast not going ahead, one silly moo made a few comments about "It's not good enough, we're starving!")

What I was able to do at the time was not tell the party organisers when Friend actually was coming in with her laptop, so they didn't have time to plan anything else. I have no regrets and would do the same again.

In your case, you have more time than I did. I would tell her.

Have you reached out to any of the three others who know about your friend’s MH to get their views? Have any of them received an invitation?

But then the friend might not want anyone else to know about her MH problems, so that would be a massive breach of trust. I would be absolutely livid if a friend of mine discussed any of my health conditions with a third party.

Me neither! I would be furious if anyone did that to me. I was absolutely dreading turning 60, so I decided to embrace it by having a big party in the local community centre, but I organised it myself. No surprises!

Please tell her

I am the same. I hate parties because of a past trauma. Special birthday and I discussed with everyone in family I did not want a party and absolutely not at a particular venue. I could not be clearer

2 weeks before when I had planned something low key.... I found out a party had been planned at the venue.

I was so sick. I made it explicitly clear again to everyone.....

If it had went ahead, I would have no contact with people. It also partly ruined my birthday as I was so on edge. It also caused upset as I was so explicit

I was however very grateful to the person who told me.

So please tell her.

I would reply to the person organising first, saying you have been worrying about this since you got the invitation and feel you have to say something

You really want to celebrate friend’s birthday and you know this idea is coming from a good place - BUT - you know 100% she will hate it. She has specifically said a surprise party would be her worst nightmare and so you can’t not pass this info on to lovely organiser as you would hate them both to be upset

Depending on what she says, party will be changed. If not - you tell her!

What did you decide OP?

@EggSugarButterLemon Just tell your friend. Then say you will be by her side if she decides to attend or will back her up if she makes her excuses and decides not to.

It really is her decision, and not yours or the relative organising the party.

Who in their right mind does "surprise" parties any more? They're horrible.

Tell her youve been invited to her surprise birthday party and ask her if she knew about it?