AIBU to warn a friend about a birthday party invitation?

[EggSugarButterLemon]

I’ve been invited to my very good friends surprise birthday party in August. Lovely idea I know.

But for complicated reasons to do with my friends mental health that the relative is not aware of she will HATE this and possibly cause a relapse in MH episode she has worked hard to come out of.

But she’ll still have to go so perhaps not knowing and just managing on the day will be good for her?

Also it’s not my business to say anything.

But think she’ll be cross at me not warning her.

What would people do?

Is this a surprise party?

Yea sorry should have put that in the title

Why do you think this would cause a relapse?

I think you should tell your mate
it’s tricky tho because the organiser doesn’t know

Might be better to have a conversation with the person who is organising the party.

If she'll still have to go surely its better she not know in advance if it would stress her out? She might cope surprisingly well.

Speak to the organiser.

If you are sure the surprise element would damage her mental health then yes I would warn her.
Unless you think talking to the person organising the surprise party might make them see sense and the organiser might actually tell the poor woman.

I don't understand how surprise parties are ever a good idea .

My DD is autistic and would hate a surprise party. If I ever knew of something like that being organised for her I would tell her because I know her well and know that she would prefer that.

If you know your friend well and you know that a surprise party is not what she would want and that she would be upset by it, then yes I would gently prewarn her.

You can tell the organiser, without exposing your friends MH issues. Just say X has always said in the past how much she hates the idea of surprise parties, so although I’m sure she’d like to celebrate her birthday it needs to not be a surprise or she’ll be unhappy.

I think a surprise party would be something a lot of people would find difficult to cope with - autistic people, those with social anxiety and many other people.

I’ve been the friend in this situation (although for me it was around hating my birthday for traumatic reasons unknown to the family member rather than hating surprises)- my best friends told me and I had time to prepare myself, and i was extremely grateful to them for that

Wondering how the organiser can be so unaware of the MH status of your friend. They can’t be that close… I’d approach the organiser though, not the birthday girl. It’s just how do you frame it? To say “look, Angela has always hated surprises” is tantamount to accusing the organizer of not knowing your friend as well as you do. So it’s delicate.

Surprise parties are shit for A LOT Of people . I know many women who would be devastated not to have had a chance to get hair/ make-up done and pick the right outfit.

So for someone with mental health issues on top of that? I would prepare them.

You might ruin the surprise but you are saving the night and the party for them!

I would definitely try and speak to the organiser. You don't have to reveal your friend's MH issues. Just mention that she has previously stated that a surprise party would be mortifying for her.

I was wondering how the organiser could know so little about the birthday person too.

Like everyone else is saying, talk to the organiser. Quite honestly, I don't know why you didn't say anything when you heard about it.

Has your friend got a husband, sister, mother you can talk to? I’m thinking that as it is a relative organising the party, it should be someone else in the family that intervenes.

Absolutely no way to approach organiser, it’s complex but that’s not an option.

A traumatic event occured at a social event and resulted in extreme social anxiety that she has basically masked from everyone.

You are right and kicking myself!

I think the organiser is wanting to do something kind as other life events separate to what I’m talking about have happened.

Only 3 other people know what I’m worried about and there is absolutely no way i can break her trust to anyone.

If anyone is telling her it’s me.

Definitely tell her. I honestly think I would vomit on the spot if someone arranged a surprise party for me.

That is literally what will happen I think

Definitely tell her.

Absolutely no way to approach organiser, it’s complex but that’s not an option.

Surely you have to rsvp to the organiser? Or is the surprise, no one can rsvp, therefore no one turns up?

Hi organiser. Thank you for the invitation. It sounds lovely but I just wanted to give you a heads up, I think Barbara isn't a massive fan of surprise parties. Would love to celebrate her though, great idea. Can we let possibly let her know? love egg.