AIBU to warn a friend about a birthday party invitation?

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I’ve been invited to my very good friends surprise birthday party in August. Lovely idea I know.

But for complicated reasons to do with my friends mental health that the relative is not aware of she will HATE this and possibly cause a relapse in MH episode she has worked hard to come out of.

But she’ll still have to go so perhaps not knowing and just managing on the day will be good for her?

Also it’s not my business to say anything.

But think she’ll be cross at me not warning her.

What would people do?

I tend to think that people who organise surprise parties don’t consider the person they’re planning for and assume that everyone likes surprises, because they do. They get caught up in their own excitement. My gut feeling is that the organiser will carry on regardless. I’d speak to your friend.

This. I'd warn a really good friend and in those circs, expect a really good friend to warn me. Its difficult because you can't warn the organiser as that would breach your friend's confidentiality.

I absolutely hate the thought of a surprise party, luckily everyone close enough to me to throw one knows and would not do so.

If you aren't able to tell the organiser or she decided to go ahead with it anyway Id tell the friend maybe a week or so before so shes not worrying about it for too long.

I think you should tell your friend.

The organiser clearly doesn't know your fruend well enough if think it's a good idea.

Your friend can do what suots her best - she could even let the relevate thay she's booked a weekend away the same time so the relative will have to tell her about the plans. That way, no one will actually know that you told her it was planned.

Trouble is that surprise party organiser people will go "oh surely not, everyone LOVES a surprise party" I would not trust them to cancel it or worse to sulk to your friend that they had organised a WONDERFUL surprise and you had been a piss on the chips person. At least gently tell your friend and find out how she wants it dealt with.

Why not ask your friend:

• 'if someone was planning a surprise party for you, would you want someone to warn you'?
• 'if someone was planning a surprise party for you, would you want me to explain to the organiser why it's a bad idea, or is there an alternative excuse you'd prefer to use'?

That gives the friend some amount of warning, and allows you both the freedom to either construct a scenario where your friend is unavailable that day, or come up with an alternate reason for not doing it, or you get permission to explicitly tell the organiser why it's a bad idea.

I have a standing reciprocal arrangement with several people to warn each other about surprises. I definitely would say something to her.

She might be ok with you having a quiet word to the organiser too, but I would ask her first. You wouldn’t have to get into details.

I would tell her accidentally on purpose- 'oh dear I wasn't meant to mention the party, please try to look surprised on the day'.

If it’s something such as her being in recovery from a drink problem and needing to stay away from environments where there is alcohol being served to avoid relapse, then I think I’d have to tell her because of how detrimental the effects might be

I was in a similar situation with my partner. A very loving, kind, well-meaning friend threw him a surprise birthday party and I knew he would hate a) it being a surprise and also b) a party thrown in his honour in general (he is a sociable, friendly chap but hates being the centre of attention!). I decided to tell him so he could be prepared and we could strategise coping mechanisms together and I’m so glad I did, he ended up really enjoying himself.

This is what I do with my mostly-surprise-hating husband. Then he has the option to say if he is feeling open to a surprise and I then take charge of the timing and activity/event or he can ask questions that would make him more comfortable like what to wear or who might be present.

If you feel the outcome would genuinely be very bad for your friend I wouldn’t leave things in the hands of the organiser. They clearly feel this is a good idea and they know your friend so even provided with compelling information they might not change their mind.

You don’t have to break your friend’s confidence OP. You can tell the organiser that you know for a fact she just hates surprise parties. That’s quite common. Someone once arranged one for me and I hated it. I had found out beforehand and so it was even worse because I had to pretend.

I don’t know why people do this because so many people hate it and I don’t know why the element of surprise makes it better anyway. Why not just offer to arrange a party that the person can have input to.

If the arranger ignores you then I’d just tell your friend. Don’t put her in the position of enduring it. That would be unkind.

I think you have to tell her yourself. If you speak to the organiser the possibilities are that s/he ignores you, or insists that you're talking rubbish, the friend will love it, and goes ahead anyway.

You know our friend, better than the organiser by the sound of it. I think you should tell her. Reading between the lines, this is a lot more serious than a bit of social anxiety.

I disagree that surprise parties are self-involved and self-aggrandizing. Often they are just people who love surprises themselves trying to do something nice for someone. I've had surprise parties organised for me twice and I absolutely loved them. I hate organising and love surprises.

Appreciate not everyone does though and in this case I think the only option is to warn the friend - especially if there's a risk of someone who might traumatise her turning up. It's really important that doesn't happen and I don't think there's any other way around it (besides warning the friend) without compromising her confidentiality. It's a difficult situation.

I would tell the organiser. Don’t go into details but tell her who not to invite. If the biggest problem is the awful ppl who’d be there just make sure they’re not invited. If it leads to curiosity or questions on behalf of the organiser that you can’t satisfy ask her to speak to the birthday girl once the party’s over as it’s not for you to say.

I have found that people who organise surprise parties can be surprisingly thick skinned, and gloss over the challenges it might cause the recipient. I'd suggest you take a much stronger line and say "friend said her biggest nightmare ever would be a surprise party and she'd never forgive the person who organised it."

Who is responsible for getting your friend to the place of the party? Do they think it's a good idea? Is there any chance that your friend would not attend the event?

This happened to my friend S a few years ago. Her friend L (who had some mental health issues of her own and would not be approachable to discuss the surprise) thought it would be a good plan to organise a few days away, a surprise trip that involved a short plane journey. S has a phobia of flying and can only manage it when she can meticulously plan the journey and she has taken medication.

I did tell S. She was cross with L, but agreed to go and keep it to herself that I had told her. It was all OK, but only because I'd spilled the beans, I can't imagine the disaster at the airport if S had discovered the flight as a shock.

It was particularly irritating that L had involved me, S's husband, and S's Mum in the whole secret. S was particularly annoyed that her husband didn't either tell her about the plan or tell L to cancel.

I think there is a very fine line between a potentially delightful surprise and a potentially devistating shock.

except you may not know that the organiser will ignore you.

Tell her. My daughter warned me of a surprise party my parents were planning. My husband was uneasy about it but dd decided to tell me. I'm very glad she did as I was able to put things in place. The party went ahead, but on my terms.

Only option really

Can this friend cope with a party for her at all?

Danger is if you warn her it's anxiety-inducing for her. What outcome do you think she would prefer? No party? A party she knows about but with certain conditions? To pretend she didn't know but then enjoy it?

That's what you need to think about.

I’d tell her.

I would also speak to the party organiser, and tell her who she should not be inviting.

I think surprise parties are often for the organiser’s benefit rather than the recipient.

SIL and MIL put massive pressure on me to go along with a surprise birthday lunch for DH’s 50th. He had made it crystal clear he didn’t want one but they hassled me so much I relented - in hindsight I should have stuck to my guns. I kind of warned him but he was still very annoyed and sulked both during the event and for a few days afterwards.

Definitely tell her

Good questions and my worry is that a) she goes but gets herself into a horrible state worrying about it or b) refuses to go and this will obviously upset the relative who’s organising it, who is lovely and has the very best intentions.

This is my biggest worry.

Garrrr I should have been a big wimp and just said sorry I’m busy that weekend and not got involved.

I think I’m going to tell her. I think she’ll make herself go as a gesture to the relative. But she’ll have time to prepare and as someone up thread said we can put in strategies to manage it.