AIBU to warn a friend about a birthday party invitation?

[EggSugarButterLemon]

I’ve been invited to my very good friends surprise birthday party in August. Lovely idea I know.

But for complicated reasons to do with my friends mental health that the relative is not aware of she will HATE this and possibly cause a relapse in MH episode she has worked hard to come out of.

But she’ll still have to go so perhaps not knowing and just managing on the day will be good for her?

Also it’s not my business to say anything.

But think she’ll be cross at me not warning her.

What would people do?

You're being a big wimp now! Talk to the organiser. They may have another option instead of a surprise party.

This is it exactly. It's almost an act of aggression, wanting everyone else to be 'in on it' except the poor victim. Then they invariably pull a 'sad face' and 'was only trying to do something nice'.

My friends and family are fully aware if they ever tried a stunt like this, I would be out of the door immediately.

Hi organiser,
It's really thoughtful of you to arrange the party for Sue. I just want to suggest that you consider letting her know about it in advance as from things she's said in the past, I'm not sure how she'd react to the surprise element.
I hope you're well and look forward to seeing you.

I have chronic PTSD, which resulted in a complete mental breakdown, suicidality and over 12mths off work on worker’s compensation (work acquired, compounded by my very healthy young husband suddenly dying). It has resulted in treatment resistant anxiety and social anxiety, hyper vigilance and a violent hyper startle effect, ongoing panic attacks, and intermittent agoraphobia. (All of which I am still in intensive treatment for and only back at work part time).

If I was talked into rocking up to a “night out”, which turned out to be a surprise party for me, it could result in a very public, shocking and humiliating mental health episode for me, and one of the worst bits about it would be that it would be mostly my own colleagues (who are all my dearest friends/almost family) who would be in attendance, and/or who would most likely need to treat me and get me to my local hospital. Thankfully this does mean that it would be highly unlikely that anyone would throw me one, but I suppose there’s always the chance.

I would feel so betrayed by my best friends if they didn’t warn me, or even put a stop to it, as it would most likely cause me a huge regression. At least if I knew and could prepare myself, it would be marginally better.

Please warn your friend, OP, it’s for her health and wellbeing.

I know from experience how a well intended 'surprise' can backfire. You are right to step up and protect your friend.

I suggest you write to the organiser starting off by saying

"I am about to give you an unwelcome surprise which may upset you. On the positive side no one including me will see your first reaction. I really didn't want to do this to you because I know it could upset or anger you but I really hope you can use any uncomfortable feelings to empathise with 'friend'. A surprise party for 'friend' is certain to have severe negative consequences I'm afraid. I can't tell you exactly why because I have been told in confidence.
I know your intentions are purely kind and I really hope you will believe me when I say planning a celebration with 'friends's' full involvement in planning would be kind even though it might not result in the event you would like to put on.
I'm sorry to be the bearer of unwelcome tidings and hope very much you won't shoot the messenger. Best wishes etc"

Tell your friend and if she can’t handle the party arrange to go away with you on a short city break or something and then tell the surprise organisers that friend did her own surprise which is taking you both away on a short break at the same time! You don’t know until was booked and can’t tell her about the surprise party. Surprises all round and friend gets to do her own thing

Well you will because you’ll find out the party has been cancelled or the friend has been informed about it. If neither of those happens then they’ve obviously ignored it. Or if they don’t respond that’s a strong indicator.

yup but by then it might be too late to do anything

I see from your comments OP that you're planning on telling your friend so she can have advance warning.

Just as a heads up, it might be worth considering when the right point is to tell her.

I'm autistic and can get myself in a hell of a state over the most banal of upcoming events/appointments. The longer I have to stew about it, the worse I can be.

For me at least, there is a sweet spot which gives me enough notice to wrap my head around it and be prepared, but not so much that I'm going to spend weeks stressing about it and working myself up.

I would honestly try and let the organiser know but if that fails for any reason, I would definitely tell your friend - but not just yet (if she's likely to be anything like me!)

"A surprise party for 'friend' is certain to have severe negative consequences I'm afraid. I can't tell you exactly why because I have been told in confidence."

you CANNOT say this. Its going to lead to awkwardness and maybe even the organiser getting nosy with your friend. The whole thing about keeping a secret is keeping quiet about the fact that there is a secret to keep.

I’d tell the friend directly.

I’m glad you’re going to tell her.

i was sexually assaulted at a party. Having no knowledge of that a close relative organised a surprise party for mine and DH’s birthday (we had different big birthdays at the same time). Thankfully my best friend risked the wrath of the organiser and told me.

I simply couldn’t cope with a party. My wonderful friend and DH pretended that she’d slipped up to him and he “confided” in the organise that I would hate it. So she organised a meal instead. I pretended to be surprised, she got to organise the treat and I didn’t have a panic attack in front of everyone

Surprise parties should only ever be organised for people who’ve said they’d love a surprise party at some point.

I think this is absolutely the right decision. It puts her back in control, and you can figure out together how she wants to handle it - she might ask you to speak to organiser to tell them she wouldn't like it, or make sure the guest list is as she'd want, or she has the option to bail if that's what's best for her. Her MH is way more important than the organiser getting to throw exactly the type of party they think will be good for your friend (however kind their intentions). I don't think you'll regret telling her - but it sounds like the fallout from not telling her could be pretty bad.

Yes I'd do this. You don't have to tell them about her mental health issue but you could tell them you now she would hate a suprise party because you have had conversations about them previously. I would also hate anything like that

This is good. But maybe don’t mention the love egg

I would go with this but be even more explicit.

Hi organiser,
It's really thoughtful of you to arrange the party for Sue. I just want to strongly recommend that you let her know about it in advance as from things she's said in the past, I think she would not react well to the surprise element. Furthermore, I think she has worked hard to detach herself from some "friendships" this year and you may be unaware of people she would rather not celebrate with which would be a great shame as it is such a nice thing to arrange for her and I know you would hate to upset her.
I hope you're well and look forward to seeing you.

again there are breaches of confidentiality here.

OP literally wrote surprise party in the first line of her post. And surprise was underlined and in bold!

You see that "Edited" link under the opening post?

I edited it after seeing this comment 🤣

Even if you tell her and the organiser cancels the party I think I’d still be wary on that date due to some people not knowing it was cancelled, or deciding to do their own surprise anyway.

To foist this on someone without them knowing or having had a specific conversation beforehand is so selfish. Reminds me of someone who had a surprise holiday organised for her. She felt deprived of weeks and weeks of getting excited, buying new clothes, choosing exactly where to go and what to see. Really, it was the other person thinking ‘I want to go on this holiday, I’ll pretend it’s for her’ instead of owning it themselves.

And don’t get me started on surprise proposals and weddings. No specific and detailed conversations beforehand = don’t do it. Surprise someone with a chocolate bar. Surprise them with a nice cup of coffee.

🤣

This happened to me. I hated it.

Is it not a bit odd to be organising something like this when the relative is obviously not very close to the friend? Surprise parties are so hit and miss, you'd have to be 100% sure that the recipient really would like it. Even without any back story or trauma, so many people would absolutely hate a surprise party.
So yes, I would absolutely tell your friend, OP.

We don't know that the organiser isn't close to her. It's very likely that she doesn't want to share her trauma as is her right.