AIBU to warn a friend about a birthday party invitation?

[EggSugarButterLemon]

I’ve been invited to my very good friends surprise birthday party in August. Lovely idea I know.

But for complicated reasons to do with my friends mental health that the relative is not aware of she will HATE this and possibly cause a relapse in MH episode she has worked hard to come out of.

But she’ll still have to go so perhaps not knowing and just managing on the day will be good for her?

Also it’s not my business to say anything.

But think she’ll be cross at me not warning her.

What would people do?

I would definitely tell her.

Will there be anyone there who she is like to wish wasn't there?

Tell her. Sounds an impossible situation

@EggSugarButterLemon
I’d speak to the organiser and say that you feel a party is a lovely and thoughtful idea to celebrate her birthday but that perhaps the “surprise” element might cause some issues and that you feel it would be better if she knew about it.

This is a good question and the one I’m most worried about. The relative could inadvertently invite people who my friend was previously friends with but because of said traumatic event have (rightly) gently phased out of her life.

@EggSugarButterLemon i absolutely second that message.
i m NT but dont like surprise parties at all, happy to participate in one if the person hosting knows they would like one (been to a few and it s great) and love the idea of one for me, but in practice no i would not like it.

so yes tell the organiser thats not a good idea at all and if the organiser wont bulge then and only the. Tell your friend. As someone who is in the confidence of MH is absolutely your business. Duty of care and all…

I think you have to tell her OP.

Think I’m going to have to do something like this.

Maybe something like ‘funnily enough I was talking to her about surprise parties and she told me she wouldn’t like it’

I would talk to the organiser.

It's really difficult as a of you tell her then she'll probably be worrying about it between now and August which could cause a bigger impact to her MH then not knowing about it until the day.

(but also, who is your friend here? Either you spill the beans and the organiser is pissed off but your friend is relieved. Or you don't spill the beans and the organiser is happy but your friend is traumatised. Which is the most important? )

what would your friend prefer?

that you keep her secret 100% so tell her in advance

or that you try to salvage it by speaking with the organiser to give her warnings after all?

If you do tell your friend, she might make requests that you will find difficult to pass on and pretending that she's still in the dark

I wouldnt talk to the organiser, very likely they will go ahead anyway.

I wouldnt hesitate to tell my friend. This situation sums up the phrase "thats what friends are for"

Please tell her, OP. You are a kind person and she will be grateful.

Warn her. My husband did me a surprise party once and it was awful - I hadn't known it was on so I'd had a birthday night out with colleagues the night before and was massively hung over. Then I'd popped out to go and see a relative as a last minute thing so was really late for the party but as I didn't know I was supposed to be there I didn't understand what the bother was and why husband kept wanting me to hurry back when we had no plans. I was really late and then just annoyed I'd ruined things for everyone unwittingly... if I'd have known I would have acted surprised but also not been hungover and late.

I wouldn't say "funnily enough". Make it quite clear that you know she wouldn't enjoy it and it's a bad idea. You don't have to say why. If she ignores you, then you have to tell your friend.

Yeah it's tricky as in my experience when someone gets the idea of a surprise party into their head they often get carried away convinced it will be wonderful.

Despite having been together many decades and KNOWING I do not like surprises (I like to be able to plan an outfit for a start... it sucks suddenly finding oneself whisked off to a fancy restaurant or whatever but you're in muddy jeans) he still tries to to surprises regularly. It's like he gets so invested in the fun of planning a surprise he forgets I don't like them.

I had a big milestone birthday last year and I had to tell all my friends one by one that if he tried to invite them to a surprise party they were not to come and they were to warn me. They did, it was cancelled and we did something nice and quiet which was exactly what I'd wanted all along :-)

Tell your friend, that way she will feel she has control over what will happen next.

A surprise party is my nightmare and I'm NT without significant mental health issues. Tell the organiser.

I think your phrasing is something like: "this is a lovely idea and so kind when X has had a tough year. But x has told me directly in the past that they'd find a surprise party hard to enjoy. I'm sure they would be so honoured you want to organise a celebration for them but I really think you should include them in the plans."

I wouldn't soften it. Be totally upfront. 'X would absolutely hate a surprise party. Talk to her about what you're planning asap.' And, if she chooses to ignore this, tell your friend.

I think you'll have to be a little stronger than this or they might just dismiss it, something like, I really don't like to interfere and wouldn't usually but we are very close and I feel certain from things she's said she wouldn't enjoy the experience of being surprised at all.

In that case, definitely tell your friend, then tell the organiser you have told your friend and that she his happy to 'act surprised' but does not want X Y and Z people invited.

Surprise parties are all about the organiser, not the main guest, and are a remarkably self-involved and self-aggrandising thing to do.

Agree that the best thing to do is tell the relative

I have been in the position of your friend, please please tell her, and allow her to prepare.

maybe the organiser is trying to do a nice thing, but so few people like surprise parties, I sometimes think that the organiser is arranging it for themselves more than the person it is supposed to be about.

Will your friend still agree to come to the party if she knows in advance? Are you hoping the organiser scraps the party altogether? You need to plan what will be the best outcome for your friend.

Tell her.

If the friend knows she can decide for herself whether she goes or not. If she does go she will have had time to prepare herself.