AIBU to say our family will miss a Wednesday wedding in term time?

[Midweekweddingwoes]

DSIL is sulking because we have said we can't all make her wedding.... But she's booked it for a Wednesday in term time next (academic) year. We live over 200 miles away and so does another of her siblings. Our kids will be in year 11 and year 13 so we just can't ask them to miss at least 2, realistically 3, days off school for her wedding.

We are thinking DH will go and I will stay at home , and DBIL is planning to do the same. She's really upset with us apparently, but while I understand she wants to save money I just can't understand why she would expect teens to miss a chunk of school in their exam year for it .

I think as its family I would go with your husband if possible and leave the teenagers at home for school but I wouldn't take them out of school if it's near or during the exam period. Year 11 and year 13 should be ok for 2 days.

Midweek weddings are a great way to not spend a fortune on a wedding. But people have to understand that their guests aren't going to want to spend more on their wedding just because the want to spend less, so expecting it to be a wedding with more than a handful of guests (for most couples) is deluded.

Your DH going is the best decision I think. I also think deciding now is considerate.

I can understand a smaller and lower cost wedding. In return for which there has to be an acceptance that not everyone can attend.

YANBU. It was the risk she took in choosing that date.
Nobody is obliged to go to any wedding, anyway.

I wonder if she is getting lots of declines and is now worrying. She probably got swept up in planning and didn't stop to think about logistics.

Personally I'd carry on being kind (we"ll be so excited to see your photos etc) but not engage in her upset. You just can't attend and that's that. Your kids don't need the stress of making up work for this.

Nothing wrong with a midweek wedding (or a destination wedding) as long as the couple graciously accept people’s inability to attend. She’s being very unreasonable to sulk about it.

I don't know why people make these types of choices and sulk or get angry that not everyone is falling into line.
When planning our wedding we made several choices to make it as convienient for our guests as possible because they were people we really wanted to have around us on the day.

I hate weekday weddings. My SIL is getting married tomorrow, loads of her family cannot attend as the children have GCSE Chemistry, she is not happy, but we did say before she booked it.

YANBU. Midweek weddings really only suit the bride & groom’s budget and if no thought is put into the hoops many of the guests have to jump through to be there, then expect a whole host of people to decline, family or not.

Why do you assume she's going to have kids? She might be 48 and on her third wedding for all we know!

Oh wow!!
That's ridiculous , what on earth was she expecting!
We weren't asked before she booked,.

She's being totally unreasonable. For close relatives, she really should have thought this through ahead of time, and if it was really important to her that you were all there then she should have chosen a weekend or holiday date.

Having said that, would it be possible for you to go without the kids? They seem old enough to be left alone?

Absolutely this!!

If she lived nearer and it was only 1 day, maybe this would have been just about
do-able (although far from ideal missing days in those crucial years!)

People can get really selfish when it comes to weddings and if she was that bothered about everyone coming she really should have thought about that first.

I’d speak to her and say exactly why you can’t all be there and say to her that if it’s that important to her she needs to change it to a weekend or mid-week during the holidays.

I can only assume the 5% of people who have said you are unreasonable clicked it accidentally. Or are your SIL. How could anyone see this as unreasonable? I wouldn’t take a secondary school aged child out of school for a wedding, end of. Primary, maybe.

My nephew had a Thursday wedding, 300 miles away, childfree as well. Luckily MIL was on the way so had DS, one of only two times she did. It meant 2 days off. A relative overseas had their wedding on exam results day and my educational workplace let me go, I was quite amazed they did. People have midweek, overseas, childfree weddings at their own peril.

We got married on a Wednesday during the school holidays. The date was arranged to enable the guests who are teachers to come and cut down the cost of their air fares which soar at weekends. Oddly nobody called us selfish.

You can’t take them out of school for a wedding, missing 3 days for a wedding is silly at their ages with exams etc. you’re doing the right thing and YANBU

I know you said they had medical conditions but could they stay at home alone for a couple nights whilst you and DH attend wedding? Anyone on your side of family or a friend that could pop in if needed?

SIL and BIL are not unreasonable to have a wedding on the day they want, but they are unreasonable to expect everyone to attend a mid week wedding

Yes I’d be thinking this too

me and my partner went to a wedding on a week day some years ago think Tuesday? We had 2 kids so they were both in school/childminders. They got married 11am then had a meal in the hotel all very nice and LOCAL like 10 mins away!!! and then there was a night do but we left to get the kids home and sorted and then my partner went back to the night do to show his face (they were his friends) I remember him saying they shouldn’t have bothered with the night do as barely anyone had stayed and only a couple extra had come! So that was a waste and maybe the night do would have been better another time?

@Midweekweddingwoes maybe send dh to the wedding and say to sulking SIL why don’t you have the night do on a Saturday then we can all come and celebrate with you??

I would be thanking God that she had chosen a mid week wedding as it gives you the perfect excuse not to attend.

We've recently had a 'save the date' for a term-time Thursday in 2028 for a wedding that's 200 miles away from us. I've suggested DH go alone as I don't want to take my child out of school for 3 days, even though he will still be in primary. I expect there will be raised eyebrows from some family members but never mind.

I think people only think it’s selfish when there’s pressure on people to come, or like in OP’s case, sulking by the couple when people can’t come.
No one is really bothered by when/where someone has their wedding, as long as they are grown up about people not attending.

My kids have just missed a family wedding due to it being on the same day as an a level exam. The groom was fine about it, but another family member was quite arsey we didn't bring them !

Yet if it was a school trip residential I am sure they would be able to go ?

If held during exam time I can understand it. If not, then I am less sure why it is an issue. I realise school won’t like it but they do take children away for this and that themselves.

I think getting time off work midweek if you live far away is more of a difficulty.

Interesting responses compared to the ones on the thread asking if a Wednesday wedding would be OK.

I hadn't thought about how no one will want a late night/much to drink on a weds, even if they can attend.

Plus also taking days off holiday