To want to contribute financially to our new house

[WestLondonWoman]

Parents who have set up home with a new partner, I'd really appreciate some thoughts and insight please.
I've met a lovely man, a widow and we've been together for 3 years. I never wanted children but have been accepted by his children ( late teens/ early 20's, in education or working, all living at home) and love them absolutely.
We don't live together at the moment but I spend every weekend and sometimes midweek nights at his. I contribute financially to both household and children. We are 40 miles apart and haven't moved in together yet because of a legal easement issue with my Victorian property which is proving a tiny but incredibly difficult problem to resolve so I can't go on the market.

We have found the perfect house in his area which I love, but he seems to want to buy himself and not jointly. For context he is much wealthier than me but I could contribute 25% now from savings and more when I sell my house.
I have a good job, own my own home, car etc no debt whatsoever and very decent six figure savings.
Should I accept that he is probably* safeguarding his children's future inheritance or listen to my internal want to own at least a percentage of the house I will call home? Or is owning a percentage the emotional and financial messiest situation? What I want to avoid is a) me feeling like a visitor or b) he makes reference only to 'my' house.

We are discussing this weekend, I would appreciate outside input before then so I have a balanced view. At the moment I oscillate between thinking I can invest my savings and the proceeds from my house sale to afford to contribute towards a comfortable lifestyle where I'm not dependent on him, or feeling beholden to living in a house I don't own.
For the record, he is amazing, very loving and generous and that his children are his priority is a given and amplified by parental bereavement.
YABU - he is safeguarding his children's future and you are massively over-thinking this
YANBU - living in a house you don't have some ownership of doesn't work

You're 40 miles apart
You spend a lot of time at his
Do you also bear the travel costs?

I get that some married couples don't have joint current accounts, and that they are not bothered about the details of what is 'fair'.

But in this case, the OP is already feeling 'beholden' unreasonably, wanting to contribute to a 'comfortable lifestyle', and over-compensating and paying too much, and is likely to carry on doing so, against her own interests, without a joint account to keep track and give transparency.

Stop contributing to his kids and so much towards bills, pay for a food shop and tell him to stop being so tight...can't believe he'd take this from you. Plus you have travel costs if you're going to him every time!

If you are not going to be named on the deeds and mortgage, you should not contribute any funds whatsoever to the purchase, nor pay the mortgage.
Keep your own separate property and rent it out.
He is protecting his children's inheritance so you need to ensure you can move on quickly in the event of relationship breaking down or him dying.

Absolutely this, a decent man would not allow this given the relative circumstances, and I'm pretty sure you wouldn't allow it if the roles were reversed.

You can take advantage of cheaper deals your mobile amount be allowing them the rate, but they can transfer money.

Maybe you're overcompensating in a desperate way to prove yourself. You're putting your own own future at risk here. How's your pension etc?

Tenants in common uses a percentage split based on equity contributed. It's very messy if one dies or relationship ends. They would have to buy each other out or sell to release the likely 50 per cent share. Why would he do this if he can comfortably buy by himself?

Agree with this. Please keep your house.

This, he is right in that he wants to protect his kids inheritance. I would live with him and keep my house. You also don’t want to battle with his kids if he wasn’t around. Very wise to keep yourself secure financially

He is going to protect his kids' inheiritance. That is the first thing you need to remember.

Move in but keep finances separate and invest, invest.

Why are you giving his adult kids money and doing a phone contract for one? You're their dad's GF, not a relative or family member. You're paying a few hundred towards a household you don't live in. That makes no sense to me. I agree with others that you're overcompensating here or feeling like you need to buy your way in. He sounds like he might be tight if he's taking your money and so are his kids when he's so much better off.

You need to take steps to protect your future as well. I think you'd do well to see a financial adviser (with fiduciary duty if you have that there).

This may be a good moment to rethink the finances. You say "our house" in the thread title but he's buying himself a house and letting you live in it, that's not your house.

I think you're at risk of seeing him as your priority and your future while he naturally sees his children that way. It's very nice that you say you all get on so well, but if you split up or he died first, you'd likely find that the children fade from your life, as they would anyway when they leave home and start their own families. Unless he wants to marry you and buy the home together then you must realise that he wants to limit the relationship. Only you can decide whether that's okay.

Anyway, now is a good time to discuss finances as a whole, including your contributions.

Why on earth would you be contributing anything to your wealthier partner’s children?!

Agree and he's probably thinking about how he writes a will. He has dependants

For weekends and the odd week night it doesn’t seem that low

The money he will be using to buy a new house, he and his late wife will of earned that so by not buying a house with you he’s protecting her legacy and his children’s inheritance

Why don’t you rent out your own place? If you don’t own any of ‘his’ house then you need to be clear that you won’t take any financial responsibility for repairs to the house because you won’t benefit from it.

Keep your finances separate.

Either keep your house and let it out or invest your savings so that you have money to buy a place of your own if you split up.

Three years is nothing and he has financial responsibilities to his children so definitely don’t rush in to joint property ownership.

This!! Or perhaps why on earth would he accept it?

Hi op I know a couple who did this they split up after nine years and the one who didn’t own had to leave to start again. I think it depends on if you see it forever then something happens to him will you be kicked out? Grief and losing your home don’t go well together. I think it’s very kind of you paying what you do now. You need to look at the bigger picture if you move in will you pay half the bills and nothing towards the up keep what if you wanted to decorate or buy furniture will you be allowed sometimes you are living like a guest in a house that is meant to be your home.

I'm not sure the OP is coming back - even though everyone is sympathetic towards her and pointing out that she should look out for her interests, it's not what she wants to hear...

The partner is right not to want to own jointly though - someone always comes out badly where a parent of adult children remarries. Often it's the children who end up losing their inheritance to the new girlfriend, so tbh all credit to a dad putting his young adult children first after their mum has died.

He shouldn't be accepting money for his child's phone bill and the random £50 a month for the university student though! To be honest that's really quite an odd arrangement, especially as their father is able to afford to support them.

This definitely!!!!

What have you actually sat down and discussed? Has he asked you to come and live in the new home?

It sounds like he's buying a permanent home for him and his kids and he's going to be leaving it to them. He's a lone parent now and he's going to be even more focused on securing their future because of that, not yours. He's not likely to want to share the ownership with you. You're going to have to secure your own future because you're not his priority.

It sounds like living in his home will bother you and that's going to be a problem for you. But this is a man whose marriage ended because of death, not any incompatibility. He likely feels an even stronger responsibility to his kids and to secure their future because of that.

It also sounds like he's using you a bit. He wants the Girlfriend Experience and that's it. He doesn't want real and lasting and permanent ties. There's the money he and his kid accept. I can see bringing food over but paying for a house you don't even live in, no, unless you're there full time. He should be paying for his kids. Having you give them monthly money really is weird.

Could you get a smaller house near wherever he's buying and then rent a spare room (£7k a year tax free). You would have to live there at least part of the week though but maybe it would be nice to have a break during the week, you could bring your partner with you and both have a break from the kids!

Other than that do not over contribute to his nest egg. Only pay for your proportional utility spend and food.

And for god's sake if you do sell your house and not buy another, put your money into an investment that will keep up with house price inflation and doesn't have mad swings or you may price yourself out of a similar house to the one you have now in the future.

This 100%

Thank you all. You have helped me to gain perspective in all areas, particularly not being beholden and overly grateful. I'm going to see through my own property issue and then purchase a buy-to-let as a supplementive income and refuge if he dies before me.
Thanks all. I'm aware of heing outed so leaving now.