To want to contribute financially to our new house

[WestLondonWoman]

Parents who have set up home with a new partner, I'd really appreciate some thoughts and insight please.
I've met a lovely man, a widow and we've been together for 3 years. I never wanted children but have been accepted by his children ( late teens/ early 20's, in education or working, all living at home) and love them absolutely.
We don't live together at the moment but I spend every weekend and sometimes midweek nights at his. I contribute financially to both household and children. We are 40 miles apart and haven't moved in together yet because of a legal easement issue with my Victorian property which is proving a tiny but incredibly difficult problem to resolve so I can't go on the market.

We have found the perfect house in his area which I love, but he seems to want to buy himself and not jointly. For context he is much wealthier than me but I could contribute 25% now from savings and more when I sell my house.
I have a good job, own my own home, car etc no debt whatsoever and very decent six figure savings.
Should I accept that he is probably* safeguarding his children's future inheritance or listen to my internal want to own at least a percentage of the house I will call home? Or is owning a percentage the emotional and financial messiest situation? What I want to avoid is a) me feeling like a visitor or b) he makes reference only to 'my' house.

We are discussing this weekend, I would appreciate outside input before then so I have a balanced view. At the moment I oscillate between thinking I can invest my savings and the proceeds from my house sale to afford to contribute towards a comfortable lifestyle where I'm not dependent on him, or feeling beholden to living in a house I don't own.
For the record, he is amazing, very loving and generous and that his children are his priority is a given and amplified by parental bereavement.
YABU - he is safeguarding his children's future and you are massively over-thinking this
YANBU - living in a house you don't have some ownership of doesn't work

I wouldn't generally say this, but in this particular case I think it would be wise to keep your finances separate and just live with him in his house. His DC might live there for many years and he is providing a base for them as adults. What if you keep your place and rent it out? Or sell it and invest the money?

I would let him own it, if not I'd have an agreement that he can buy you out in the event of a break up and how the value would be determined. Having lost their mum I think stability matters for the kids even thought they are older. How do they feel about the sale, particularly if they lived there with their mum.

As long as you have enough money to get your own place in the event of splitting up or (god forbid) his death. I’d consider moving in to his new house. But I wouldn’t pay rent or towards any building upkeep. It’s more straightforward and probably feels better for him re his kids inheritance

I think you need to make sure you protect yourself here. Either wait until you can sell before you buy with him, or keep your current place and rent it out.

What if he dies and his kids own 75% of your house?

If he’s not asking you for half the mortgage I would keep my own house.

This.

For both your sakes keep your finances separate and buy yourself whatever you can buy outright near whatever he buys, with the equity from your house. Or just keep it in savings. Don't be the stepmother the step kids put out on the streets when dad dies. Don't be the stepmother blocking the children from getting their inheritance until they're elderly themselves (and yes, nobody is entitled to an inheritance, but there's no better way to sour a step relationship than resentment over inheritance).

In this case he is right to protect his assets for his children - if he pre-deceases you and leaves you a lifetime right to remain in the house, with it going to his children after you die, it's entirely possible you'd outlive one or more of his children, especially if they're boys, so they'd never get any practical inheritance even if technically they remained his beneficiaries. Even if you don't, you remaining in the house after he dies and them essentially waiting decades after losing their father for you to die so they can sell and afford to retire (it's very likely people currently in their 20s won't get an age related pension ever) or give their own children house deposits could really sour your relationship with his children and their feelings about their father.

I think its very sensible for him to buy the property himself. It protects his kids and you. Invest your money well, make sure you have the ability to buy a home in case things don't work out.

"I contribute financially to both household and children"
This jumped out at me, why are you contributing a penny to his children? You said he's wealthier than you so this makes no sense.
Contributing to the household is strange too while you are not actually living with him. Obviously pay your way with food, but anything else while you still live separately seems OTT to me.

Keep your house and rent it. Contribute to the bills when you move into his place and keep your finances separate.

This is absolutely true. If he's expecting you to contribute to his adult children's costs then he's not the catch you think he is.

Contribution to other costs shouldn't go beyond paying for groceries occasionally to approximately cover the amount you add to food costs. If he's wealthier than you and you don't live together, and spend more nights at home than at his,veven contributing to bills seems a bit stingy, but any contribution should only cover whatever extra it costs for him to host you - something towards water and electricity would be fair enough, but you can't be making much difference if he's got at least two adult children at home full time anyway.

I agree with others that you should remain financially independent. When your own place is sold invest the proceeds - ISA, pension, etc. Would probably be a good idea to have a chat with a financial planner. You could also buy another property to rent out - but investing and saving efficiently might be the better option.

Why are you contributing?

Thank you for your replies, they are very much appreciated.
To answer your questions:
I contribute a standing order to contribute to food and utilities that outweighs how much I use. £200 a month for and he has never asked for this, rather I have insisted to avoid feeling a heel when he pays at the till, plus £50 a month for one at uni and £13 per month for youngest's mobile contract because they're on my account to make it cheaper. Both these things are new and at my instigation.

That's rather generous of you, and more than one would/could expect give you are not related to the kids, and don't live at his place. Do you think you might be overcompensating because he's wealthier and you want to be sure you are not perceived as taking advantage of him? If you can easily afford it, that's fine, ofcourse, but this seems to be in keeping with your wanting to contribute to the house as well (which would put you at considerable financial disadvantage if things went wrong), so maybe ask yourself whether you are being sensible and rational about this.

Why pay for more than you use and the extra £50 for the uni kid? Give them gifts by all means but regularly paying more when it’s not needed or asked for is on the way to messy. Simpler to keep finances separate at this point. Pay your way ofc but let the house be his and you have your own place to let or in savings.

The fact that he's willing to accept your money for consumables for his children that he could clearly easily afford himself but wants to buy solo is a bit of a red flag for me I'm afraid.

It does not sound like he has been willing to communicate openly and clearly with you about the reason for this and also hasn't been willing to discuss how you would be protected from being evicted from the home with no notice or how you can work towards your own financial security. If he does not want to you buy together then why are you selling your house? Why not rent it?

I think it's fair enough if he wants to buy separately given you have never lived together but there seems to be a real imbalance of risk here. It's all on you while he continues to sit pretty.

You're clearly a very generous and thoughtful person. Is he?

I would be selling up, taking that money and putting the bulk into a diversified global tracker. I would want wills written that gave a defined amount of time where you can remain in the house if he does first. I would plan to be able, in an emergency, to buy somewhere to live and to have enough for my pension. If those things are in place I would respect his wish to safeguard inheritance for his children. I would want to do the same. Just keep talking it through. It’s the talking that matters.

Do you think you might be overcompensating because he's wealthier and you want to be sure you are not perceived as taking advantage of him?

Simpler to keep finances separate at this point. Pay your way ofc but let the house be his and you have your own place to let or in savings.

Very pertinent observations, I can easily afford the contributions and payments but they absolutely reflect my fear of seeming tight or unable (and yes, I know this is indicative too)

Save your money, live in his house, don’t contribute to upkeep maybe just bills and food ie day to day living. I can understand he wants to protect his children’s inheritance and is right to do so, but build your savings so that you have enough to look after yourself if/when you end up alone.

You are being very generous with his children.

me too, this is what I saw. He doesn’t get to be much wealthier and have you contribute financially for his kids and also make sure you’re not on the house.
i get what he is thinking re not putting you on the house. Do you want to sell yours? If you want to carry on but buy something else, and make sure you’re not paying half the household costs for him and his dc.

Your update makes it worse! You pay £263/ month to his household and still cover your own outgoings.
Personally, I would think buying some groceries each weekend is enough at this stage.
If you move in with him you need to get your finances laid out clearly before you commit.

each of you would be a fool to combine things
you are both risking your finical independence
you need to keep on the property ladder
£200 a month sounds fair for food and utilities it’s £40/50 a week
whilst I would never charge rent or expect to pay rent it’s a great balance paying what you do for his kids

There is absolutely no reason to combine finances, please remain independent. Keep a property in your name.

It seems a bit too soon to merge finances. I would look at renting out your house for a year or two and see how living together goes before selling your house. It might turn out you don't enjoy living under the same roof and it would be a shame to have limited your options.

I wouldn't offer regular financial contributions for his kids as that seems like something which could easily escalate. The £13 phone contract doesn't seem too bad and you could knock this off your share of the internet bill or something. However, £50 a month for the child at uni seems like a lot and presumably you buy birthday/Christmas gifts on top of this?

I'd agree. Keep the finances separate. It gets messy and complicated merging households and honestly 3 years isn't that long really.
Keep finances separate and ensure you have your independence either through property or investments