To want to contribute financially to our new house

[WestLondonWoman]

Parents who have set up home with a new partner, I'd really appreciate some thoughts and insight please.
I've met a lovely man, a widow and we've been together for 3 years. I never wanted children but have been accepted by his children ( late teens/ early 20's, in education or working, all living at home) and love them absolutely.
We don't live together at the moment but I spend every weekend and sometimes midweek nights at his. I contribute financially to both household and children. We are 40 miles apart and haven't moved in together yet because of a legal easement issue with my Victorian property which is proving a tiny but incredibly difficult problem to resolve so I can't go on the market.

We have found the perfect house in his area which I love, but he seems to want to buy himself and not jointly. For context he is much wealthier than me but I could contribute 25% now from savings and more when I sell my house.
I have a good job, own my own home, car etc no debt whatsoever and very decent six figure savings.
Should I accept that he is probably* safeguarding his children's future inheritance or listen to my internal want to own at least a percentage of the house I will call home? Or is owning a percentage the emotional and financial messiest situation? What I want to avoid is a) me feeling like a visitor or b) he makes reference only to 'my' house.

We are discussing this weekend, I would appreciate outside input before then so I have a balanced view. At the moment I oscillate between thinking I can invest my savings and the proceeds from my house sale to afford to contribute towards a comfortable lifestyle where I'm not dependent on him, or feeling beholden to living in a house I don't own.
For the record, he is amazing, very loving and generous and that his children are his priority is a given and amplified by parental bereavement.
YABU - he is safeguarding his children's future and you are massively over-thinking this
YANBU - living in a house you don't have some ownership of doesn't work

Let him own the house but make sure you retain property/ savings of your own too. Can you rent your house out?

I have no idea why you would financially support his DC, that's odd in my opinion.

I’d keep my own house and rent it out as a bare minimum, but if he doesn’t want to buy with you then you need to ask why.
he will want to protect his children but this can all be sorted out by tennants in common and other legal paperwork and this says to me he’s maybe wanting to keep things separate perhaps?

Yesterday she posted that she pays £200 plus £50 to a student at university plus £13 for another adult child's phone contract now - so £261 pre not post move.

@randomchap

I dont think shes said how much she plans to pay post move. £200 is what she currently pays to cover weekends, plus the extra for his kids.

I would be inclined to keep finances separate too.

You need to focus on your long term future so what would be the best way to do that. You could sell your house and buy a suitable property for later life or invest the money or just rent out what you have now. Either way, I would be prioritising your finances (savings and pensions) as much as I could.

I don’t think you can blame people for wanting to protect their children’s inheritance but you will need to talk to him and agree on what your financial future looks like.

“We have found the perfect house but he seems to want to buy himself and not jointly.”

You need to have an open and honest conversation about this, find out his reasons and the implications of it for both of you.
If I were in your position, moving in with a partner and looking for a new home, I would want to contribute my half of the cost and have it jointly in my name. Aside from anything else, for emotional reasons. I would want to come home to “my” house, not to “his” house.

Why the need to live together ??

You are being taken advantage of since you are making a rather generous contribution to his outgoing at present. You will also be - and therefore may feel like - a lodger in his home. You probably need a cohabitation agreement setting out what you will contribute and what your rights will be in the event of his death or divorce. It would be reasonable for you to be given more than the week or possibly 4 weeks notice a lodger would get and for the length of time to increase the longer you stay together up to, say, 6 months and/ or for you to have a right to buy his children out at market value.

Personally I would not do it. Buy your own place nearby and live in it or rent out your current home so you still have a foot in the property market.

You really should not be contributing to his eldest DC at uni or paying a mobile contract for his youngest. If he is so wealthy why do ones he let you pay for his DC? It sounds as if he is taking advantage of you. Plus you are contributing £200 per month but know you don't eat or use that in utilities because you are at your own home most of the time. Reduce payment to £100 pcm to better reflect your usage. Let him pay his own utilities and food. I think you need to keep separate finances from this unscrupulous man. Live with him but only pay your share not his DC share too. Don't pay towards his mortgage. Either keep your own home and rent it out or sell and buy closer to him and rent out. Either way you need accommodation if you split up.

I contribute financially to both household and children

Why are you paying for his house and kids? Seems rather foolish.

I oscillate between
thinking I can invest my savings and the proceeds from my house sale to afford to contribute towards a comfortable lifestyle where I'm not dependent on him
As a previous poster said, DON'T fall into the trap of spending your money on a 'comfortable lifestyle' for you both, while he invests his in an appreciating property.
You need to think about your old age when you are likely to be single again (because women live longer), and save your money.

or feeling beholden to living in a house I don't own.
If it is his choice to keep it in his name, there is absolutely no need for you to feel beholden to him for letting you live there. That is a daft feeling.
You should not pay him 'rent' either. In a partnership, you don't pay rent to the person who loves you.

I recommend that when you move in together, you keep all money separate except for a joint current account for the 'household'. From this joint account, you pay all house bills except the mortgage (but not cars or phones - pay these yourselves), and also use it for all joint expenses like household shopping, going out together, holidays together, Christmas, etc.
Agree how much you each pay into this account to cover the costs, either paying in 50/50, or if he earns a lot more than you then pay in a % proportional to income.
That way, there is complete transparency and you won't be tempted, or feel obliged, to keep spending on him and the house to prove something.

Invest the money from the sale of your house, especially if you don't want to be a landlord (which is not easy and becoming harder).

It might feel like the dream at the moment but it's really not worth putting your eggs in one basket. Pay towards bills and food if you move in but continue your with own investment building - maybe do courses on it as your own project.

I would also be doing the same as your partner and would feel more secure knowing my partner was actively making there own plans rather than another person relying on me even if thats not what you meant.

Just to add, if he doesn't want a joint current account, that is a big red flag.
If he wants to live with you and share a bed, but not share a current account? Just No. Don't do it.

Don't accept an agreement to give him a fixed amount each month, with no transparency or responsibility for household budgeting.
You are to be his partner, not his lodger.

It is not owning a share of the house that is important, it is sharing a life as partners and daily household finances via a joint current account.

(Of course, you still both have your own current accounts as well).

We’ve been together nearly 30 years and have no joint current account because I didn’t and don’t want one. Good thing my bloke didn’t think it was a red flag.

Your situation is different to the OP's. You have been together 30 years, she is going to be moving in with a widower who has adult children and who will own the house in his name.

We hadn’t been together 30 years when I refused to have a joint account. I was the one with an adult child and he moved into my house. The situations are remarkably similar.

At only 3 years in, not married, with no joint children, no way I’d be wanting to buy a property with you. Sorry! It’s too risky.

In the future, with the right legal foundations put in place, yes, possibly but it’s way too soon. I wouldn’t do it even with no children or inheritance to consider. It’s still very early days.

Did he / does he just give you a set amount each month (like a lodger) or do you each pay specific bills and costs?
If the former, I guess he is happy for you to be 'in charge' of household finances? Does this benefit him financially?
If the latter, how do you know it works out fairly in the end? Especially with things like shopping being variable and ever-increasing.

Personally, I can't understand how you would ever know things were fair without a current account for transparency.
Neither would I like to be the one paying a set amount for lodgings with no equal status in the household, nor the one taking the set amount and having full responsibility for shopping and budgeting.
Nor would I like 'you pay this bill and I pay that one' because what about shopping which is a variable cost?

I think you have been contributing too much so far due to a fear of seeming to be taking advantage. It's not normal to contribute to utility bills if you don't live together, nor for a dad's girlfriend to be funding adult children. This was all at your instigation so I don't think it's any sort of red flag but do bear it in mind.

His proposal sounds sensible. Keep your own place and rent it out and use any spare money to build up your own savings and investments. He is being sensible in thinking about the future, especially as a proportion of his assets he presumably accumulated with his late wife, and it's completely reasonable that he wants that to go to his children. By keeping your own property, you are looking after your own position. Of course you can pay towards food and bills.

If it seemed like it wouldn't really be your home if you didn't own it, I'd suggest not living together, but it sounds as if you are completely integrated into his life and that he won't behave in a way that makes it seem like his place rather than your place together.

What he's doing is exactly what people (inc professionals) would advise in this situation. You aren't 21 and just starting out- you are mature people with your own assets, livelihoods and responsibilities (and while you don't have children, you presumably have friends and family to leave your assets to). The arrangement he suggests recognises that and will allow you to enjoy living together without all the mess and stress of pooling assets.

We’re not unduly bothered about “fairness”. It all works out in the end.

Meant to add- if you are discussing wills, it wouldn't be unreasonable for him to request that you are allowed to stay in the house for a period- 6 months, say- if he dies, to give you time to make arrangements.

Unbelievable that you would be contributing to his children.
Very very odd.
Not normal.

Sounds like you are over compensating.
He has his head screwed on.

Let him buy his house and keep things financially separate.
3 years is not long, his childrens housing security absolutely should be his priority.

Invest in your pension, new property to rent that will always be a bolt hole for you.

Contribute a nominal amount towards your costs whilst living with him.

Don't be making unnecessary grand gestures, that is foolish.

Don't allow your desperation to insert yourself in their lives, lead you to being silly.

Be sensible.

He is mean, and that’s a very unattractive trait.
He and his children are taking advantage of your good nature. You’re too nice.