To want to contribute financially to our new house

[WestLondonWoman]

Parents who have set up home with a new partner, I'd really appreciate some thoughts and insight please.
I've met a lovely man, a widow and we've been together for 3 years. I never wanted children but have been accepted by his children ( late teens/ early 20's, in education or working, all living at home) and love them absolutely.
We don't live together at the moment but I spend every weekend and sometimes midweek nights at his. I contribute financially to both household and children. We are 40 miles apart and haven't moved in together yet because of a legal easement issue with my Victorian property which is proving a tiny but incredibly difficult problem to resolve so I can't go on the market.

We have found the perfect house in his area which I love, but he seems to want to buy himself and not jointly. For context he is much wealthier than me but I could contribute 25% now from savings and more when I sell my house.
I have a good job, own my own home, car etc no debt whatsoever and very decent six figure savings.
Should I accept that he is probably* safeguarding his children's future inheritance or listen to my internal want to own at least a percentage of the house I will call home? Or is owning a percentage the emotional and financial messiest situation? What I want to avoid is a) me feeling like a visitor or b) he makes reference only to 'my' house.

We are discussing this weekend, I would appreciate outside input before then so I have a balanced view. At the moment I oscillate between thinking I can invest my savings and the proceeds from my house sale to afford to contribute towards a comfortable lifestyle where I'm not dependent on him, or feeling beholden to living in a house I don't own.
For the record, he is amazing, very loving and generous and that his children are his priority is a given and amplified by parental bereavement.
YABU - he is safeguarding his children's future and you are massively over-thinking this
YANBU - living in a house you don't have some ownership of doesn't work

Sounds like you need a frank conversation where you lay out your concerns and wishes. And include the children when you’ve made your decisions as they may be anxious on some level about losing their dad and will want to know what will happen re the new house and will they be able to have a secure home there as long as they need.
My friend was in this situation and they decided to buy 50% together and she or he to have two years to move out whoever dies first so his DC/her nephews can inherit. Like you she might have been financially OK in a house that was all his but she wanted to feel she could invest in her home and make changes without overstepping or overspending. She does help with his DC uni costs too but says overall she is happy with the set up and better off financially. She also married him.

£200 per month for food and utilities? Seems low to me.

@WestLondonWoman talk to a good independent financial advisor ASAP. You need to be sure you can be financially independent if needs be. This may mean owning a property (which you could rent out) or simply investing the majority of your house proceeds. Make sure your pension is topped up to the max. If all goes well in the future, you are improving life for both of you, and if not, you are secure.

What would happen to this house if he were to die before you or you broke up? Those would be the questions I would want to mull over.

For staying over at your wealthy boyfriends house on weekends and an occasional midweek night? OP isn't living there full time and she has her own house and bills to pay. I'm surprised he's accepting her money!

How are you going to deal with maintenance and decorating of the house if he purchases it only in his name? If you don't benefit from the equity then I wouldn't pay towards anything for the upkeep. But will it then feel like your home?

Would he consider buying a more expensive, larger property with his full contribution and your full contribution combined? As tenants in common with relative percentage ownership? That way, he wouldn't be compromising any of his children's inheritance and you will have property ownership appropriate to your means too.

The plan would be on divorce or death, each spouse is able to move to their own smaller property that they can own outright.

What will be worth a conversation @WestLondonWoman is what consideration, for you, if any, would he agree to when you eventually move into a home that is solely his.

It would be wise to explore that, if he dies before you, you shouldn't just be thrown out on the street.

Obviously his children's inheritance will be first consideration but there should be some proviso for you.

If it was just the 2 of you and he was buying a new house with you moving in then I’d get you’d want to meld your finances more. But it’s not…

it took 12 years for me to join finances with DH to buy a house together, and his 3 kids had left home by then. I’d been living with him before that and contributed to bills. But separate finales and I’d kept and rented out my own house.

keep your independence and let him buy his own house. 3 years isn’t long. I also raise an eyebrow at love his kids after 3 years….maybe not so much once you are sharing with them….

I understand him wanting to protect his children's inheritance, but then wouldn't it make much more sense to wait for your house issue to be resolved and for you to buy the house you live in independently so you can remain living there if he dies before you? If he wants to continue to invest in property he can buy a nearby property for his children to rent affordably from him.

I agree with everyone else. Let him buy the new house on his own. Keep your property and rent it out. A contribution of £200 towards food seems fine.

Continue to live apart. Why are you spending money on his house and children?

There is no easy answers here @WestLondonWoman . One point I would make though is that your funds being used for a “nice lifestyle “ might sound fair but means your money is frittered away whilst his goes to an asset, so please don’t do that. If he wants to buy alone to protect the inheritance then you need to make a small “rent” contribution and then fiercely protect and improve your financial position because in theory you could be out at any time and need to be ok should that happen.

I just wouldn’t move in together, stay living separately. I can completely see his position in wanting to buy his property alone, he has his children to think about, I wouldn’t want a new partner complicating my finances and housing either; but if you move in on those terms, it’s never going to be your home, you can’t make somewhere your settled base when you can asked to leave with an hour’s notice.

£200 a month because he buys food and you add to bills when you visit is fine. However wealthy friends and partners are, adults with any pride don’t leech from them, and if the sexes were reversed, a man who didn’t contribute to the food he ate because he said his girlfriend was wealthy and didn’t need it would be called a cocklodger. If you also want to give things to his DC, that’s up to you, it’s kind but not really your job.

I'm in a similar position but I'm the one with kids and I'm worse off. He stays at mine mostly and has offered a contribution but i declined so he buys bits form the shops and insists on paying 90% of stuff when we are out. We are talking about living together in the next few years if things are still going well and it will likely be his house but he has said he would cover morgage and just wants a contribution to utilities and to make sure im still able to put money in savings. We'd also have some sort of lease to make sure if things went wrong I would have time to find somewhere else. We would still have seperate finances.
I think you should let out your home or invest the money when you live together but allow him to buy the house. right now I'd stop the £200 but keep the contributions to his kids. His reaction to that will be telling.

Well if the changes to cohabitation go through you can make a claim against him if you separate after 3 years of living together. https://www.gov.uk/government/news/millions-of-unmarried-couples-to-get-stronger-rights

Why are you paying for his children, and why is he letting you? You need to keep everything separate and let him buy this house. He’s a widower by the way, not a widow.

They dont live together, so how can you possibly decide its low without knowing how much shes actually adding to his bill?

OP, stop falling over yourself to prove your worth by throwing money at him and his kids, and instead start putting your own interests first. I can see you moving in with him, paying over the odds in 'rent' and providing for his kids, doing all the housework etc whilst accepting zero rights over your home. You would be a fool to do that.
Why the need to live with him anyway? Why are you contemplating giving up your own security for a man whi is happy to let you pay for his kids, despite his wealth? It's honestly infuriating how many women dont prioritise their own best interests.

I can't tell for certain but as it's less than half than I pay for one adult and 2 dc, it seems to be low for half the utility and food costs of two adults.

But it could be fair, which is why I said seems

But she doesn’t live there, she has her own house to pay bills and utilities on. She’s paying £200 to stay with her partner a few times a week.

But she's thinking of moving in as they've found the perfect house and that was the figure that someone mentioned post move.

Before moving in it would all depend on how often she stays, obviously

Do you think you will ever marry him OP? @WestLondonWoman

Id be inclined to keep finances separate. You could rent your current home out or get a buy to let.

He could leave the house to his children with a caveat that you may live in it until your death or if you choose to move.

Who would you want to leave your assets to ?

I think Wills should be a priority.

I agree with PP to keep financials separate. Pay for you food and utilities share only, and make sure he pays mortgage and any home
improvement costs.

Id make sure you either purchase your own property and let it out now, or be saving heavily for the possibility of needing to purchase your own home in the future should this relationship break down or he passes away.

Again, she doesn't live with him! How much extra power do you think one person staying with you at weekends, would cost? Or maybe you think she should be paying half of his full bill for some reason?

Again, she's planning on moving in as they've found the perfect house. It's a figure post move, not now.