AIBU to ask my mum to cancel her holiday hotel booking?

[MammaBear4000]

Booked a weeks holiday with my 7yo son (I have more AL than husband). We've got a week away at the start of the summer holidays I was looking forward to.

Sent a message to the family group chat saying 'first solo holiday with [my son] 🥳' thinking nothing of it. Mum asked where I was going so sent her a link to the hotel.

She's now booked the same holiday (solo room). Sent me a message saying was it ok (i'm working and can't respond straight away...but I would have said it's my first mum and son solo holiday and was looking forward to it). Before I had the chance to reply she booked it.

She fucking booked it within 4 mins of sending the original message.

Now here's were the AIBU part comes in. I want to ask her to cancel (she will lose money on this). Last year she joined a week away with me and my son and completely ruined the holiday. I don't want that to happen again and I can't bear the idea of no buffer and her being with us for a week in the same hotel. We have separate rooms but she won't leave us alone I know that.

So is inviting yourself on a holiday when you weren't invited!!! Mum or otherwise, especially if a previous one was a disaster 🤷🏼‍♀️

@MammaBear4000

Why on EARTH did you tell her where you were going when she ruined the last trip? Why tell ANYone you're going? Just let them know when you're there (or when you come back!)

I don't tell anyone anything about where DH and I are going, what hotel or anything. Why would you?

YABU, because as a few posters have said, this is your own fault.

Agree. It's not horrible to change it at all.

If you can change your planned hotel/resort do it. I know you'd have to pay extra for the change. That would not be a problem for me in the circumstances, even if I felt it was not ideal in view of the later holiday. I'd take the hit money wise, change the booking and enjoy quality time with your boy. Sometimes we have to pay for a bit of peace and happiness, it will be so worth it in your case.

So bite the bullet, change the booking, pay the difference and enjoy. There will be zero joy if your mother is around, you'll spend your trip full of anger and resentment and stressing about trying to avoid her. Pay up and enjoy, or cancel altogether.

If she has form, why would you tell her? I wouldn’t dream of telling anyone what I was doing in advance. When I get home after the event is soon enough . ..and then only if it comes up in conversation probably months later ☺️🤣

Honestly if I was in your shoes I would cancel and book somewhere else and suck up the cost (if I could afford it!)

You aren't going to enjoy your holiday as it stands now. Or tell her you have cancelled and see if that prompts her to do the same.

Oh..I meant to say, I’d tell her to unbook it and if she doesn’t, I’d book somewhere else and keep stumm.

I'd cancel and book somewhere else and not tell her.
A less nice place will be better without her than a nice place with her.

Looks like she is probably going to go regardless sadly, unlikely she will take the hit financially to do the right thing and she seems pretty happy to overrule you/shout at you etc.

Shame for you to lose a good deal too.

If it were me, I’d do the following:

1. as of today, no more talk of holiday AT ALL. No discussion of flights/beaches/restaurants. Zilch. You need to make it clear to her from the off that while she is in the same hotel as you, YOU ARE NOT ON HOLIDAY TOGETHER. You are about as much on holiday with her as you are with the strangers in the room next to yours. If she brings it up, shut it down ‘I’m not talking about this Mum’ on repeat.

2. today, send her a clear message to tell her how it is going to go. Make sure it is a message so that you can refer back to it. ‘Mum, really disappointed that you booked before I’d agreed. I would never have said yes, I am excited about a week on my own with my son. I am taking Bob on holiday on my own - just the two of us. I have lots of things that I want to do with him, so we will not be spending any time with you if you decide not to cancel your booking. I am telling you this now so we are both clear. I am going on holiday with my son. And you are going on holiday solo. I will not have meals with you, I will not share my plans with you and I will not be spending any time with you if you decide to go ahead. Our last holiday together was not a success and it is not happening again’.

3. stick to it. If you see her in the hotel, say hi and no more. Make all your own plans/reservations/arrangements and tell her nothing about them. Eat meals at a table for two. STICK TO IT.

4. reassure yourself that this is HER doing, not yours. You have been clear about expectations from the off (ie now) and if she chooses to come then it is on her.

I’m sorry you’re in this position, but you need to stop this shitty behaviour right now and show that you mean business. She is expecting you to capitulate; don’t.

We had a very large row about her leaving my child in a very dangerous situation (think drowning) type thing. I left them alone for minutes to get us all something and arrived back just in time.
I got shouted (and sworn at) after saying what she did wasn't ok. This was in front of lots of people and my child. I removed my child and I from said situation but rest of holiday was awful

and you carried on having a relationship with this person? Close enough that you’re on a WhatsApp group with them and tell them the dates and hotel (and send a link)?

Struggling to get my head around having any relationship with someone like this really. I wouldn t want them near my children or me ever again.

I bet you live in each other’s pockets usually so disentangling was likely never going to happen.

This.

Another vote for cancel yours and pick somewhere else. Also, after what happened last year why did you even mention it?

I agree that you need much firmer boundaries and maybe to even grey rock her. She’s not a good person around you or your son. If you had to save him last holiday it’s likely she’ll be as irresponsible again and your son may be in real danger. Your lack of boundaries and playing into her (narcissistic?) issues are a problem for you longterm.

You have a choice to look at why you are resisting standing up to her and finding a way to do it. It sounds like you were parented in an unhealthy way and have learned some habits that helped you cope as a child but now… you sound like an independent adult.

Good luck breaking free and protecting your family and just being able to have some valuable safe fun with your boy.

YANBU, but also learn from this and stop telling your mother when and where you are going away. I don't understand why you needed to announce it to the family, with full details.... I have never done that in my life.

Bit of a hard one this.
I wouldn't want her coming either based on your last experience. Is she aware she spoilt your previous holiday?
She absolutely should have waited until you responded. My only issue is if you tell her no now will it cause a fall out between you? If so would that bother you or not? She shouldn't have but you in this position in the first place.

You know your mum is weird. Why did you share the information in the first place?

You can’t make her cancel her holiday, but you can change yours.

See if the hotel will change the date of your stay? So instead of the first week of the summer hols, askif they can book you in for the second week? You could just not tell your mum, then when she asks where you are, just say someone's made a mistake about the dates...

Op, if you can’t change hotels then I would message the travel company and hotel to tell them that you do not want to sit next to her on the plane or stay in a room next to hers. You could explain the situation and ask that they do not give out any of your details to her.

Tell her she ruined the last holiday and you don't want her to come and you won't be inviting her to any activities you and your son have planned at all.
She sounds bloody annoying and obviousoy doesn't care about what you want so why care if you upset her?

I can't believe how many people think showing someone a hotel counts as an invitation for them to book it! In what world is that normal?! You clearly said it's your first solo holiday, you didn't invite her, and showing her where you're going is completely normal! Her then booking it isn't but I'm amazed at how many people seem to think you brought this on yourself.

I agree with a previous post, reply back and say that it's just a holiday for you and DS, and maybe you can meet up sometime but make it clear that you're there to spend time with only DS

If you had a huge row last year I think you’re justified in openly discussing it.

”Mum, really appreciate you want to spend time with us. However given how the holiday was last year and the disagreement we had, I think it’s probably best we do not holiday together again so we do not end up in a similar situation. I really don’t want to fall out with you. I have not invited you on this holiday. You have invited yourself without even discussing it with me first. Had you done that I would have explained I would rather it just be myself and X this year. I would appreciate if you can either cancel or shift your dates. If that is not possible then, please know we do want to spend time on a solo holiday. Happy to meet up now and again, but largely this will be me and X.”

Change your hotel. No, it might not be as nice, but you’ll have a better time! The sacrifice is totally worth it IMO!

1. is the upset of telling her worth the long term fall out?
2. why care about her feelings and boundaries if she doesn’t care about yours?

I would change the dates or the hotel or cancel completely.
I'd suck up the cost of any such changes because the holiday will be hell given what you've said and I'd be happy not to have to go under those circumstances.
Also it will teach her a lesson.
If you go and try to ignore her in the hotel it won't work and will cause several scenes.

Also, I really don't understand why you would share the link when you know what she's like.

Read your posts. Your mother needs to learn some boundaries! Has she always behaved in such an entitled manner?