AIBU to stop always hosting visits when my mum refuses help?

[CopperFern]

My mother lives half a mile away from me. We see her at least every other week. My kids (5 and 2) love her and she clearly loves them back.

We’re not allowed in her home, because it’s too messy and dirty. My youngest has never been to her house and my oldest was last there maybe 2.5 years ago and is now starting to ask why we can’t visit.

Mum’s been retired for a year and keeps saying she’s going to “sanitise” her house and get it in order, but thus far I think if anything it’s got worse since she retired. Last year she was threatened a fine by the council for the state of her (tiny) yard, which i found out via my sibling.

She has the money to hire cleaners, should she choose to. My siblings and I have offered to help her clean (as we have in the past). All we get is “I’ll get around to it, stop nagging me”.

AIBU to put my foot down and say we can’t always meet at my house?

Why isolate her even more? She’s clearly struggling. Is she a hoarder?

if she’s embarrassed it isn’t easy to just hire cleaners.

For it to have got to the point that the council have got involved, this sounds like more than a dirty house and possibly moving into the realms of hoarding? Hoarding is a symptom of complex mental illhealth - linked to trauma, depression, compulsive thinking etc. It's not usually a problem that can be solved by ultimatums or threats, but requires intensive mental health support.
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/hoarding-disorder/

YABU why would you want to go there? I don't understand how this impacts your life at all to be honest. When you have kids it's by far easier for visitors to come to you so I'd see it as a win if anything.

Obviously you don't want her living in squalor, but that doesn't appear to be your issue.

YABU, there’s a house in my family that I refuse to visit for health reasons. Hoarding is a medical thing imo. We don’t visit there, and I think that’s going to continue for years. We’ve offered help, but I think it’s a lot more complex than that. Do you hate hosting?

It sounds like a serious issue and your response is to get annoyed at her rather than helping.

Is there a reason for that?

You’re resentful about having your mum over once a fortnight, despite the fact your kids love her? Is she a really difficult visitor? Is there a huge backstory? Because if not then YABVU. The state of her house is a different issue - she’s clearly suffering from sone sort of hoarding disorder or mental health issue, som”get a cleaner” or “well clear it out” is not that simple. Help her with that as far as you can while keeping your own peace and sanity. Step back from it if you need to, but why isolate her and cut her off from her grandkids over it?

I get that. I am a hoarder and my place is quite disgusting - though it is safe from the point of view of food hygiene and no fire risk. I'm not completely daft. However I do not want anyone coming here.

I thought by "hosting" all family events - Xmas Dinner, celebrations etc - were always ay your house!

Her just visiting your home is not "hosting: surely?

She appears to gave a hoarding problem and I suggest you read up on it because the chances of a cure are very, VERY slim.

What actually is the problem with you “hosting” her once every couple of weeks? Are you spending money you can’t afford on food for her? Or…well I can’t even think of another reason why it would be an issue to be honest.

Sounds like your mother is having a tough time. Hoarding or living in untidy conditions are often linked to mental health issues... she may be perfectly fine in all other aspects of life but cannot get a handle on this one aspect. And it gets worse and worse because they get overwhelmed and people tell them to sort it out, or clean up, or hire someone when it's just not that easy. It's a mental block of not wanting anyone to see the mess / clutter, trying to clean up.one section at a time but the mess just ends up in another area. Retirement probably added to it as she would be at home more and accidentally piling up more.

Have you and / or your sibling(s) tried to discuss with your mother WHY her house is like that or potentially how you all can help... do you think she'd be open to you all helping clear out one room or area at a time (slowly)?

Yes, all family events are always at my house (including her birthday). All Sunday dinners are at my house. All “come over and see the kids” are at my house. She doesn’t much like doing stuff outdoors either so basically if I want the kids to see their grandma that means I will have to “let them run off steam” (her words) so they’re not “too rowdy” when she comes around in the afternoon (because she doesn’t want to get up “early” to come by in the morning). I cook, I clean, she sits on her bum and leaves right when it’s time for the kids to have their bath and for me to tidy up after them.

I have offered to help. I’ve cleaned her house, I’ve come over to put up (and take down) her Xmas decorations, I’ve cleaned her yard, I’ve mopped her floors, I’ve tried to set up taking broken furniture to the dump, I’ve sent her the names of cleaners, I’ve offered to go with her to showings for smaller flats that are more easy to look after. She’s not interested. I’ve cried, I’ve begged her, I’ve told her I’m worried, that I hate the idea of her living in filth, how would she have felt about her parents in that state, etc etc. nothing has an effect.

I do want my kids to see her, obviously, or I wouldn’t even care. I’m just heartbroken at trying to explain to my 5yo that yes grandma does have a garden you could play in (we live in a flat so that plays into it in summer) but we’re not welcome there. The kids don’t understand, and I feel drained. I don’t even want her to babysit (she’s never had them overnight, just a few hours here and there - less than 10 times in 5 years and only once since the youngest was born), I just wish we could maybe just pop round for a glass of squash and let the kids run around her yard for an afternoon.

oh well.

Thank you for your kind response. She tells us to leave her alone when we offer and gets upset about the pressure. All my offers in the past 6 years or so have been rebuked.

Right.

So stop inviting her for Sunday dinner every week. She can have a cuppa and a biscuit then go home.

Any "hosting" for her at your house can be pared back so it's far less faff for you.

You've tried to help her and hit the inevitable brick wall - stop trying. She's living how she wants to.

Put simply - drop the rope. You resent her not helping but she's not going to change her behaviours - YOU can change yours though!

If she is evicted by the Council DO NOT TAKE HER INTO YOUR HOME, NO MATTER WHAT

What’s the reason she is living like this and how long has she been?

for example I have a relation whose house is messy I’m in my 50s always been like it. I know she currently doesn’t see much of her daughter and grandchildren and I assume the state of the house and her strong opinions will be why.

And a family friends house is just terrible it was terrible when i was ten and I’m sure it’s worse 40years later. She doesn’t have visitors sees everyone elsewhere including her grandchildren. I always felt sorry for her children living like that and it’s all very sad if you ask me.

@CopperFern That sounds like more classic hoarding behaviour. As it's a mental health condition, it can't be solved by "just cleaning", like anorexia can't be solved by telling someone to "just eat" or someone with depression to "just cheer up a bit". Your mum has to want to recover, then engage with therapy that can often be very challenging, as well as managing the environmental issues in conjunction with therapy.

Step back from pressurising her to clean or offering to clean, as it's just going to inflame the situation. Encourage her to seek help from her GP, but ultimately if she doesn't want to, you cannot force her. If you don't want to host her, then that's up to you, but know that it won't suddenly push her to change her behaviour, and so you're more likely to drift apart from your mum and for her to fall further into depression and isolation.

I think you’re really underestimating and simplifying the actual problem. It’s not a case of cleaning and tidying is it. Your mother is struggling with her mental health. Rather than push her away, I’d encourage her to speak to a counsellor and/or have some CBT to help her manage her life.

Don’t you want to see her? Why is it an issue to host her in your house?
My mum always comes to ours as her house is tiny and also filthy! It doesn’t really bother me though, I wouldn’t particularly want to go there anyway.

I usually DON’T invite her to stay for dinner! She just shows up at a time that entails her still being there when it’s time to feed the kids and the one time I didn’t set her a plate she was very affronted (not at the time mind you, I asked her several times during the meal to help herself if she wanted but she declined - later that night I got very passive aggressive texts about how unwelcome she felt).

I do. It isn’t a problem to host her at my house. I’m just sad that I and my children are not welcome at her house (my childhood home), ever. And I’m sad that it all falls on me, even her birthday.

her house is bigger than my flat and she has a yard that the kids could play in. It stings more during this time of year.

It’s the same here. She comes to our house for everything. Christmas, our birthdays, her birthday, Easter, BBQs, weekends… I don’t mind not being welcome there though, I wouldn’t want to go anyway as it’s filthy! And she’s a shit cook. I sometimes wish she’d offer some cash towards all of the events we host but I’ve long since accepted that that’ll never happen.

Wow. I'd say it impacts the OP life as it's her mother who clearly has MH issues and she's concerned for her. It's called caring.

Your children cant play at her house or garden because of the state of it. An invite is not possible until she sorts it. You have offered help and she has refused so nothing else you can do. I can understand if she had a lovely house and garden she wouldnt let you in I would ne hurt but it sounds unhygienic and unsafe.

Your children won't give it another thought unless they hear it from you.

You can suggest days out etc if that is better for you but I would have her at your house at least some of the time.

Then it's perhaps time to start putting your foot down.

Tell her in future if she's not invited for dinner - an hour before you intend to eat tell her she needs to go home now.

Or say next Sunday we are going out for dinner - don't invite her.

You're rather passive and letting her walk all over you! Find your tongue and if it means a row bring it on! Use the opportunity to tell her exactly how you resent her doing fuck all to help while you wait on her!

Rather than your kids relationship with their Granny, or spending time at hers, I think there could be a broader issue with your mum's life and mental health day to day. Is she safe and well?

I'd love mine to show more interest in her grandchildren or to offer to host - but it's her choice. In our case her house is not the problem.

Your Mum clearly has some mental health issues and/or is a hoarder. It isn’t as simple as giving an ultimatum and saying ‘clean it up.’