AIBU to stop always hosting visits when my mum refuses help?

[CopperFern]

My mother lives half a mile away from me. We see her at least every other week. My kids (5 and 2) love her and she clearly loves them back.

We’re not allowed in her home, because it’s too messy and dirty. My youngest has never been to her house and my oldest was last there maybe 2.5 years ago and is now starting to ask why we can’t visit.

Mum’s been retired for a year and keeps saying she’s going to “sanitise” her house and get it in order, but thus far I think if anything it’s got worse since she retired. Last year she was threatened a fine by the council for the state of her (tiny) yard, which i found out via my sibling.

She has the money to hire cleaners, should she choose to. My siblings and I have offered to help her clean (as we have in the past). All we get is “I’ll get around to it, stop nagging me”.

AIBU to put my foot down and say we can’t always meet at my house?

She clearly has problems. If she won't let you help, there isn't much you can do about it but you can continue to 'host' her for visits. On the one hand you seem worried about her but on the other resentful that her coming to you means extra work. How much extra work is it cooking and cleaning for 1 extra person? Surely given her situation she is happy to take you as she finds you and you don't feel you have to make everything perfect before she comes.

You just care.... stop trying to complain about your kids not having a garden (that's not her fault) and just understand that she's sick and nagging etc won't help her. She will only get better of her own volition. Meanwhile continue to welcome her in her grandkids lives.

OP, I think people are focusing on the wrong thing here, that you are getting on to her about the house, she's a hoarder plus has MH and so you aren't 'understanding her'. In fact, what you are experiencing is the frustration and exhaustion of coping with someone with quite difficult MH issues and quite a difficult personality. I think it's fine to start to see that you give a lot, she comes a lot and she is passive aggressive and does nothing to help when she does- so effectively she's like your child and you are the mother in this situation and not in a good way!

I would get the book 'Let Them' by Mel Robbins and read it cover to cover.

I would also get some support for your own MH (friends, therapy, online chat group, somewhere to offload) as being entangled with someone with what sounds like depression, hoarding and maybe other issues is very draining for you. You get burned out and stop being sympathetic.

I hope you find a way to reset the boundaries so that some of the negativity and difficulties don't all come to your door, and that you can see your mum is ill and not being awkward on purpose- but, and this is important, that doesn't mean you have to do everything her way or how she wants- you and your little family and your own capacity are important too. Get the book.

Has she always been like this OP or is this a relatively recent thing?

You have done your best. She has control over her own situation. A shame for the grandchildren but nothing you can do. She is lucky that you care about her.

There’s an additional layer to this which is that I had a very high risk pregnancy with my youngest and was hospitalised several times, and for the week leading up to the delivery I had asked my mum to be ready to come over to be with my oldest in case I needed to go in again, which she agreed to do.

Three days before my planned (again, very high risk) Caesarian my sister called me to tell me mum wanted to celebrate the start of her holidays by having a margarita or two so she wouldn’t be able to come over in case we needed her to. She didn’t want to tell me because I would “get upset” and then got angry with my sister for “ratting her out”. I’m honestly not sure what she wanted me to do in case we’d needed a sitter, I guess have my partner miss the birth? Luckily my sister stepped up (because I did need to go in early, by ambulance, in the middle of the night - not that night, but might as well have been).

After, when I was barely out of hospital and recovering from the delivery (during which I needed massive blood transfusions and almost died) she fell over some rubbish in her hall in the middle of the night and got hurt and I had to go straight from a postnatal check (that I wasn’t allowed to drive myself to, meaning not only did my newborn have to come along, so did my partner and our older child) to the pharmacy to pick up her prescription painkillers and bring them to her.

When I tried to bring up to her much later that I was very hurt by her choices in connection with the birth of my baby she thought I meant the inconvenience of having to go to the pharmacy. That i was upset that she valued her marg over my and my baby’s wellbeing never crossed her mind.

I guess maybe i should have lead with this. I don’t know. I don’t even know if I’m unreasonable to have asked her that. Probably I am, can’t wait for someone to call me a bi*ch over it!

It’s not that much extra work. It’s more what it symbolises. I guess I am being unreasonable, I’ll work on myself. Thanks.

Not much you can do then, just love her, support her and let her come to your house and spend time with you and your children whilst shes still on this earth.

Thank you for this kind response. I will look up the book.

You're not.

Honestly, you aren't being unreasonable. I do think that you are correct in thinking that your mum has a problem with alcohol but she also sounds selfish and quite uncaring towards you.

Her behaviour during your high-risk pregnancy and c-section was unacceptable. She decided that having a few margueritas was more important than supporting her daughter and you ending up having to look after her as soon as you left hospital was just the icing on a very shit cake.

The events around your DC's birth sound stressful but could your partner not have gone alone/with the older child to collect and deliver the prescription? This was not a "had to" situation for you. If all else fails, there are services to get prescriptions to housebound people.

Anyway, your DM is unlikely to change. If it's not possible to negotiate even coming over to play in the garden (with house access for toilet only), on the basis that you help her just to clear up there, focus on what you can do to accept and feel better about the situation. You could train the children to keep asking her if they can come to her house, but that would probably just strain the relationship.

I can sort of trace it back to when her parents got ill and passed away (my grandad 12 years ago and nan 8) and it’s gradually got worse since then. She wasn’t at all like this when I was growing up.

Listen, I tried telling her that (the services) but she was very pathetic and passive aggressive. And my partner couldn’t have gone for administrative reasons (I’m not in the uk) but even so it wasn’t a big deal, I was a bit annoyed at having to schlep my infant to the pharmacy but it was a minor annoyance, I was already over it by the time I got home. I only mentioned it because she obviously thought it was a bigger issue than the margarita thing.

There are a few factors at play here: the hoarding and your mum’s laziness / selfishness / lack of effort. She’s been retired a year now, surely she’s had enough of a rest and relax by now? I would be putting in strong boundaries: fine you don’t want to go to her dirty messy house. Not fine she rocks up round your house all the time waiting to be fed, watered and entertained. She needs to bring more to the table literally and figuratively. Her margarita stunt was especially obnoxious and out of order -it’s ALL about her isn’t it?!

Not really, no.

I'm hearing judgement and annoyance.

She is, you suspect, an alcoholic, that's why she's hoarding, prioritising 'having a margarita' over your health and your baby's health, and tripping over rubbish in her hall and falling- she has an alcohol problem, MH problems, and hoarding problems. I think expecting her to change isn't realistic at all, but getting yourself support elsewhere and to deal with her (e.g. AlAnon is online and for children of people with alcohol issues) will help. I think 'loving detachment' is the way forward, if you tie your happiness and mental wellbeing in with hers, it will affect you badly as this situation deteriorates, which I suspect it will. OP, you have a lot on your plate, be kind to yourself.

You are not a bitch, though, you are sad as you wish your mum was more of a mum and you wish things were different.

While some older people are extremely fit, a lot of women say they start getting pains and health issues in their 50s which make it really difficult to clean. Maybe ask if she's struggling.
Or maybe she's concerned her house isn't kidproof/likes to go where the kids all have their toys.

Trying to argue -even gently- someone out of mental health problems is about as effective as throwing sponge cakes at a castle.

Banging your head against the reality of it isn't helping you OR her.

You need to get advice from people who know about mental health care for older people, like AgeUK. They may be able to offer a fresh perspective.

I can sympathise OP.
My parents both have had mental health struggles. My father was an alcoholic who was basically a child in an old man’s body. He never once visited me in any home, he didn’t even attend my graduation. You went there or nothing. But when you arrived, there was no dinner served or bed made ready, but often a list of jobs he wanted performing.
My mother was competent but cold, however she was diagnosed with dementia when I was 24 years old. I was not a very grown up 24 year old!

What I hear in your posts is that you wish things were different and that you could have some support. I’m sorry to write it out, but it doesn’t sound possible.

I found acceptance made things easier, although still as sad.

sending hugs xx

Give your mum the number for a meals on wheels service and stop answering the door to her.

The way you describe her op, she sounds lazy.

But remember she has already done years of bath and bed time when she was raising you!

How old is she?

She would be lazy or she could be low level
depressed or tired and overweight. Honestly, I am in my early sixties and I have been surprised by how my energy levels and fallen off a cliff!

Of course your child would worry about that and should be reassured. Also tell mum absolutely not on to say anything like that to her.

I meant your children arent longing to visit gran house or garden as they arent used to going they just accept it as is (stupid comments from your mum aside) so dont worry about them missing out.

It is awful your mum let you down re childcare for birth of second child, but also a seperate issue.

Let her visit as much as it suits you and dont feel bad if that is less than she would like.

Sorry, have just read your updates now op.

Is it possible that she is a secret alcoholic? Not wanting to go outside and not being able to get to you early in the morning are fairly classic signs?

I see you have already tried talking to her without success.

There isn’t a lot more you can do is there except draw your clear boundaries and repeat your offer of help when she is ready.

Pride and shame are probably keeping her from being honest with you and asking for help. And the fact that if she doesn’t talk about it, she can still keep the fantasy in her own head that she is ok, when she really isn’t.