To not want to do the following things at my wedding?

[chilibandit]

i suppose this is a few AIBU in one so here goes!

For some context, I have a difficult relationship with my parents but a great relationship with grandparents. Owing to lots of different things I’m very much a people pleaser and usually go along with what everyone wants even to my own detriment.

I’m getting married and I am currently having the following issues:

1. My mother wants to do a speech at the wedding. When I say no she gets very affronted and says it isn’t fair my dad gets to do one (they are divorced and always acting like this). I’m honestly worried she’s going to tell the venue she’s doing one as a ‘surprise’. If she did do one it would be all about her and how wonderful she is.
2. My future SIL wants to be a bridesmaid and I don’t want her to be. I want my two best friends and my cousin (who is like my sister) to be my bridesmaids. SIL is very argumentative and keeps asking about it and isn’t really getting my hints. If it makes any difference I wasn’t allowed to be a bridesmaid at her wedding last year as “I might not be around in the future so it would be awkward if i was in all the pictures”.
3. i would like my grandad to walk me down the aisle. He is my best friend and practically raised me (along with my other grandparents). My mother is affronted I don’t want her when she’s “been so much better than my dad” and my dad is offended that I don’t want him even though he barely knows me. I’m tempted to have dad and grandad but I don’t really want to.
4. My dads wife is an alcoholic and has refused to not have a drink that day. My dad says if she can’t go then he won’t go. If she attends and drinks then she will cause a major kick off.
5. my fiancés nan is being extremely fussy over the menu. We’re having a pizza van to try and please all fussy eaters etc and she won’t eat “foreign food” so is kicking off that she’ll be hungry all day. (Kind of unrelated but at SILs wedding she only served food I was allergic to so I ordered a takeaway and ate outside! At no point did I even mention this at the time as it wasn’t my day)
6. we would like a child free wedding as we both had to raise our own siblings (who are now adults). We’d like an opportunity to let our hair down and have a fun party with other adults without worrying we’ll trip over a child! Fiancés family have said this isn’t fair to their 4-8 yr olds as they “love a party”

im sure I’ll think of some more but this is it at the moment! It’s also already so long I can see.

my AIBU is whether I should give in to any of these or whether I’m justified in putting my foot down for once and saying I want things my way for once (obviously my fiancés way too, he clearly has input into everything!)

Mathsbabe
"Why not move the church date forward and take your grandparents and someone who is important to the groom. Get married as you want. Go and have a lovely quiet meal or whatever you want.
Then use the venue for a party on the original day."

I do think that is an interesting idea. But if that isn't what you want then so be it.

Can I recommend you watch the wedding of Jom Halpert and Pam Beasley on The Office USA. It's so brilliant. It's a two-parter but the second episode is key. It's a comedy but it's very moving!

Tell your parents only your grandad is walking you down the aisle. He's special to you, not getting any younger, and you want him to have this moment.
Don't bother with speeches. Groom thanks everyone for coming, best man does a toast, then straight in to dancing. People will be relieved.
Get someone to pack up a few sandwiches for his nan and take them over to her. She will feel singled out and special.
Tell your dad that if his wife kicks off she will be thrown out.
Tell your SiL your bridesmaids are your sisters and cousin only. You cant make exceptions or other friends will be hurt.
Whatever they say, ignore. Because it's not you, it's them.

If your dad is saying he won’t come if his wife can’t drink, let them both stay home. There’s no reason they have to be there. Tradition goes out of the window when you’ve been raised in a non-traditional way. You said it’s not as simple as that, but it is. If they fall out with you over it, then so what? It doesn’t sound like they’re a supportive presence in your life anyway.

My family and DH’s are dysfunctional/abusive and we invited the very few people we wanted there. Nobody walked me down the aisle, my DH and I walked in together. No speeches, no bridesmaids. Just do it how you want and have what’s important to you (both).

Yep. Just about to say the same thing. I’d be off out of the window and down the ladder before you could say ‘Gretna Green’. The second other people try to make your special day all about them, it’s game over.

Just have a quiet registry office wedding with only your grandparents in attendance.

This

Your dress is gorgeous.

I just had to comment to say your dress is absolutely stunning OP!! Soooo beautiful.

I'm glad you are going to put your foot down. Definitely utilise your assertive people to advocate for you on the day as well.

As soon as you have to start managing the adults/parents in your life like children, it's time to say goodbye or have very very strong boundaries to protect yourself. They will give you nothing back, they can't, they are emotionally immature / fucked.

Please put yourself first for your lovely day. 💪

Guest list:
Your grandparents
Your 2 best friends and 1 cousin, plus their partners.
Your Fiancé gets to nominate a similar number of people from his side, but only those who aren't being awkward.
Just don't invite the people who are a PITA. You do not need them to be there.

Hi @chilibandit , congratulations on your engagement, and on choosing a stunning dress!

I think you need to forget traditions , and do what feels right for you and your fiance.

It sounds like your GPs are wonderful people, and played a huge part in making you the wonderful woman you are today.
So have them front and centre at your wedding.
They could both walk you down the aisle!
But definitely have Grandad do it, maybe GM too.

Grandad gives a speech, also your MoH and the groom. No-one else.
If anyone else tries, groom's 6'5" BF takes the mike away and asks them to sit down.
Tell your mum now that neither she nor your dad will be giving speeches, and explain what will happen if she tries. If that's hard for you to do, ask your fiance to tell her.

Do not invite alcoholic SM.
If that means your F doesn't come, will you miss him? I don't think so. It sounds like one less potential troublemaker on the day - bonus.

Stop hinting to SiL and tell her that, just like she did, you have chosen your closest girlfriends to be your bridesmaids. If that's awkward for you to do, your fiance tells her.

Someone is given the task of bringing something for fiancé's Nan to eat.
Pizza van sounds great btw.

Do not worry about upsetting fiancé's cousins (you've only seen them twice and rarely will in the future) and especially not their children - you and fiance are having a child-free wedding, so they either arrange childcare or they don't come.
If they turn up with the kids on the day (that would be CF-ery of the highest order), the 6'5" friend politely but firmly turns them away.

In short, tell everyone who needs to know NOW what you and your fiance have chosen for YOUR wedding.
Anyone queries anything, repeat 'this is what we have chosen for OUR wedding', and don't enter into any further discussions.
Plan for the worst and hope for the best.

I hope you have the most wonderful day!

My mum/ family was like this coming up to my wedding. I wish I had eloped. I was thoroughly exhausted and a bag of nerves the day of my wedding. The photos aren’t lying. My advice - elope!

Go to the registry office and then spend the money you would have spent on your wedding on a cracking honeymoon.
Seriously, why pay to be stressed.

As usual: first post nails it. Save your money and spend it on an amazing honeymoon. Hope it all goes well whatever you decide.

Tbh, I don't think you're going to get the wedding that you want. You can put your foot down and insist on what you want but you're dealing with a difficult group of people. Any one of them could ruin a wedding but all of them together with their noses out of joint sounds like a recipe for disaster with you in tears on the day. You need a more realistic plan B. Either find some compromises and work with who you've got (if you want them there) or don't invite any of them. Your biggest problem is the active alcoholic. That's not someone you can reason with.

You have such a list because you have so many inappropriate family members that want their way or are going to make a scene something's bound to go wrong.

Elope or have a small wedding with your grandparents only.

OP, I’m not entirely sure why you even want your father to be at your wedding, much less making a speech - you say, “my dad is offended that I don’t want him [to walk me down the aisle] even though he barely knows me”, and then you go on to say that he will bring his alcoholic partner who will drink and make a scene. Would it not be simpler not to invite him, then your grandfather can walk you down the aisle and make a speech, your mother won’t need to make a speech because your father won’t be making one, and you get rid of some of the problems surrounding your wedding. As far as SIL is concerned, just tell her that you’re only having three bridesmaids - and get your fiancé to speak to his brother to let him know this constant badgering from her is upsetting you.
As far as a child-free wedding is concerned, that’s a hard one if the DC are nephews and nieces of either the bride or groom - but if they’re not, then don’t invite them. It’s your wedding, OP. I think you need to have a discussion with your fiancé and present a united front when you have agreed on what to do.

Your wedding, you and fiancé, your rules.
No speeches at all, much relief all round. Have a book where everyone can write their messages to you. As the venue to not have microphones available.
You ask your grandfather to walk you down the aisle.
You just keep repeating that there will be no children invited or at the wedding.
You assign a person each to mother and stepmother and give them license to kill.
You pick the menu.
Circulate to both families a note of arrangements for the day, covering all of the above. Stress that you will not be changing anything. People are free to decide not to come but you hope that as your close family they will respect your wishes.

I'd elope. Have the party later.

What a crew !

Really feel for you dealing with all this. You could use this as a great opportunity to challenge your former people-pleasing behaviour! Here’s what i would do.

1. Mum speech. “That’s so nice you want to do a speech, thank you for the offer. You giving a speech won’t be possible but I’d love you to email me anything you want to write for me to keep and treasure.”
2. SIL. The “hints” are helping no one. Tell her; “My bridesmaids are going to be x, y and z. My close friends and cousin, similar to what you had at yours.”
3. grandad. He sounds like a legend and deserves to walk you down the aisle, alone. Without question.
4. alcoholic step mum. Sounds like her not being invited due to her refusal not to drink could be the wake up call she needs and if it causes a rift, it won’t be your loss. Bonus if it means your dad doesn’t attend the wedding either, by the sounds of it!
5. Kids. Don’t invite them if you don’t want them, you will resent it if you do. Why are you trying to appease parents of 4-8 year olds, none of whom clearly give a shit about you?

let us know what you end up doing! And good luck.

As everyone else has said, it's your wedding. Therefore your rules apply.
I've been to a few weddings of late where there were things that somehow got people's backs up.
Most recent one didn't have alcohol as it was at a wellness retreat. Quite a few people complained as they felt the need to have a drink. I should point out that the drinks were all paid for by the couple.
Then there was the one where they asked people not to take photos and share on social media until a week later, when they would get their official photos back. Again, complaints.
Before that, there was the one where the divorced parents of one of the couple insisted on each making a speech. Instead of it being about how happy they were for their child, they were predominantly about themselves. Then the stepparent of one of the newlyweds got horribly drunk and flashed his arse at a group of people including a young child. In this case, the married couple had given in to pressure from the relevant people about allowing them to do their own (requested) thing.
Oh, and before that, was the wedding where there were limited tables and the couple didn't have a formal seating plan - it was mixed groups of the bride's and groom's family on each. For some reason the one of the couple's relatives took offence at where they were seated as they thought they should have been at the 'top table' (there wasn't one), and stormed out of the reception, abandoning an elderly aunt that they'd brough with them. The BIL of the new bride ended up escorting elderly aunt home - some 150 miles away.

So, in light of that, do what you want because people will complain anyway.

You seem to be leaning very much into a traditional format, but you don't have a traditional family setup.. it could cause big problems.

My BIL and his wife had a 'traditional' type wedding, they spent a lot of money and were led by what other people thought they should do, but many parts of it turned into a bit of a farce, no one knew what was happening most of the day, the food choices were not very nice or well organised, the speeches were awkward and quite unkind in places, it all just felt so 'off' to be honest although I've never mentioned anything.

When we decided to get married we didn't do anything that may make people feel they had to perform (including us), so no speeches, no first dance bullshit, no bridesmaids/MOH or best man, we got ready together, we did most of our photos first while arriving guests had food and drink, then we walked down the aisle together with our DD as flower girl, went for a meal where everyone pre-chose their own food and drinks, had entertainment to keep everyone busy throughout the day, then had a big catered party in the evening, it was low key and was exactly what we wanted.

If you are including things for the sake of it (father speech!!, SIL as bridesmaid!!) and worried about anything then you will not enjoy your day, it will be a day full of anxiety and nerves about who is going to fuck it up, and it sounds like certain people can't wait to cause aggro, so remove anything that may cause conflict and just scale it right back to what makes you happy, not what you think you should do, you need to carefully plan it all in advance and be very clear about what is happening, you need to designate people on the day to make sure things run smoothly and try and anticipate where the problems will come from.

I don't think you are capable of putting your foot down and even if you were you would still feel guilty and everyone would complain. The best thing to do would be to cut your costs and book the registry office before the date planned for the wedding, get the wedding done with granddad there, go off on your honeymoon and then tell everyone the original plan is off. Maybe you can have a church blessing when all the fuss has died down. If you go ahead with the plan as it is it will end up as a toxic nightmare by the sounds of it with everyone wanting their version of your wedding and you being too much of a mouse not to be able to say no to all their demands. Sorry.

Sounds like whack-a-mole. 5 of your close family plus child parents are “kicking off” already- I’d elope and take grandparents to be witnesses. The rest sound like an ungrateful bunch.
use the MN phrase “it’s an invite not an order, you don’t have to come if you don’t like my plans” - for every moan or flounce
good luck

Also, I went to a wedding recently with a pizza van and it took AGES for everyone to get food (around 40 guests), because of having to wait, people were not eating their dinners at the tables at the same time, basically everyone just ate on their own, while waiting for others to come back in from outside.

Depending on the size of the wedding, I'd rethink that part to be honest, it was lovely tasting pizza but the waiting times made the whole thing really awkward.