AIBU to ask how you’d react if you discovered DH was a spy

[TheHorseWhoBecamePope]

Let’s say that you discovered your DH was living a lie. His job wasn’t real and was, in fact, a cover story. In reality, he worked for the secret service and was unable to tell anyone, even his spouse. How would you react?

Would the lies be too much, even if there was a valid reason for them?

Would you find it exciting?

Would you end the whole marriage? Conclude that your relationship was built on sand?

Spies have to keep their "sauces" hidden...

Clearly not a very good spy then. They'd be moved to a non secure position.

Same. Also, my husband cannot keep a secret to save his life. If he was a spy he’d have been sent to Slough House in the first month.

My dad worked for the intelligence services & kept it quiet (quite a secretive man)but I'm quite intuitive and picked up on stuff. He ostensibly worked in public information but was often seconded elsewhere. I challenged him one day about it and he looked like he'd been smacked in the face. A work colleague who's husband worked at gchq asked her husband on my behalf if he knew of my dad without knowing his first name and he knew my dad's full name & knew of him. Hmmm. I think mum knew but kept schtum. I don't think it's particularly well paid as we weren't exactly rich but not poor, I think it can be quite a mundane job & dad had a liking for booze. When dad got ill with Alzheimer's in his 90s he had to go into a care home for a year. When the carers asked what job he used to do he'd shout out "Well, I was a SPOOK"! Very loudly.

Had to post and make use of my username. I always wanted to be a spy and would be excellent incognito. DH would be rubbish because he gets lost even with GPS and so would end up in the wrong place.
One of my DC applied to be a spy. He went through all the interviews and vetting. He was allowed to tell one person apparently and he told me. I was sworn to secrecy and couldn't even tell DH. In the end he didn't take the job as something else came along that he preferred.

OH is the least curious person I know, which I think would disqualify him from being a spy. Unless he's spying on his fellow allotment holders, in which case he'd be excellent.
Like PPs I believe that the security services are missing a trick by not recruiting from the Mumsnet ranks of women of a certain age. We are endlessly nosy about other people's lives, we live all over the world, some are exceptionally intelligent and interesting, there are linguists, IT specialists etc etc. And of course, we have the invisibility cloak of middle age. What are they waiting for??

I've always said that I think my DH is a spy and that if he dies, I'm bound to find a suitcase full of guns and fake passports in the attic.

He's ex-Cambridge, fearsomely bright, discreet to the point of being quite annoying and used to have a vague "job in the energy sector" that I never quite understood but required a lot of travel. He's also weirdly good at things that require hand/eye co-ordination even though he's not typically sporty..... hmmmm.

@CherryRipe1 When dad got ill with Alzheimer's in his 90s he had to go into a care home for a year. When the carers asked what job he used to do he'd shout out "Well, I was a SPOOK"! Very loudly.

My mother also had Alzheimer's and I once received a phone call from the geriatrics consultant in Southampton which included the memorable info that she was perfectly able to remember details of her life, including her very interesting career "travelling the world in military intelligence". When I replied that she hadn't worked since her marriage in 1949, the woman didn't believe me.

My exH worked for GCHQ. Not as a spy, (I don't think!) but as a software engineer. The town is full of linguists and mathematicians and has a high autism spike. My DS2 has ASD, one of the reasons my exH left. Sigh.

I’d be absolutely astounded as I overhear his teams calls most days, and they’re definitely not spy material.. so I’d be wondering when he managed to fit the spying in.

But honestly, I’d assume he was covering something else up. Nearly every love rat/con artist/bigamy story includes them being a spy or in MI5. I do think it must be hard for anyone actually like that to find love, because I’d see it a red flag and immediately end the relationship!

Like PPs I believe that the security services are missing a trick by not recruiting from the Mumsnet ranks of women of a certain age.

What on earth makes you think they aren't ?

Ask him if he likes his martini’s shaken, not stirred.

Ha! We could specialise in spreading misinformation.

Sorry to burst anyones bubble but they do tell Spouses

If he was, it would be a desk based job as he's, er, not that physical...
I wonder if lots of families found out in COVID because the spy was WFH.

Not if their spouse is also a spook ...

I find this interesting. My
ex was ex-secret service. Had a ‘normal’ job after. We worked for the same company. He worked away all week in another county. Yet I was never wholly convinced he was ‘out’ of it. The things he did and knew were too weird. Also makes me wonder about the vetting process as he clearly had some mental and anger issues. However this was the days before ring doorbells etc. yet he knew when I was in when I was out. When I was having a visitor come over (before they’d even arrived).
he was also a master manipulator and gas lighter. And before anyone says anything - yes he was in the secret service and wasn’t lying. His parents had to fill
out forms and also went to some sort of award / medal thing when he left.

Only if they bat for the other side

Dear god, any country wanting DH to spy for them would be batshit! He’s the typical curtain-twitcher, loses car keys, wallet, jacket on an almost daily basis and has zero common sense.
He can’t keep a secret and shares largely nonsensical and ludicrous news with anyone daft enough to listen. He spends hours on his phone and believes everything he reads.

Actually that would make him perfect for spreading misinformation, wouldn’t it?!
😁

If army intelligence just involves hanging around in bars, then I imagine my sort of friend from childhood could have done that.

Unfortunately though, I did briefly get back in contact with him and his sister when we'd all grown up and he was just as grumpy as when he was a teenager. So hard to talk to.

If his story (heard via the Real Life Mum's Net of gossip) was even half true - he either had an entirely different, charming and gregarious work persona or his technique for extracting information was to be so unresponsive to any stimulus whatsoever that the terrorists or whoever's political organisation he was infiltrating felt obliged to tell him where the bombs were just to try to rouse him from his catatonic state.

How he managed to charm the alleged fake girlfriend is a right mystery. Of the few emails he ever sent me, they were a couple of lines of text about nothing and an attached jpeg of an optical illusion or some other unamusing rubbish.

Maybe he was secretly psychologically profiling me with hidden Rorschach ink blob tests or something.

I actually wouldn't be that surprised in a way, as DH is a civil servant in Whitehall anyway. It would be quite good cover. Though I think he would do less regular hours as a spy and WFH a lot less than he does. 😅

Mine was also a civil servant before he retired. As you say it's a good cover but who knows how much they can do WFH.
Like me he's a geek who loves a good spreadsheet so maybe the tips we share have gone into his tables of agents' location in the field?

First I'd laugh - as he rarely leaves the house. Then I'd be intrigued, as he does spend a lot of time in his 'office' on his computer. Then I'd leave him.

Snort!

A friend of ours got a fair way to being recruited as a spy but got turned down when she said she wouldn't sleep with someone in the course of duty to her country.

I always think spies must have rock-bottom self-esteem. They have no life of their own, no close rleationships, no values of their own. They are just pawns for people who don't give a toss what happens to them, all in pursuit of what is usually a tiny piece of non-essential information, hours of tedium and shit pay.