AIBU to ask how you’d react if you discovered DH was a spy

[TheHorseWhoBecamePope]

Let’s say that you discovered your DH was living a lie. His job wasn’t real and was, in fact, a cover story. In reality, he worked for the secret service and was unable to tell anyone, even his spouse. How would you react?

Would the lies be too much, even if there was a valid reason for them?

Would you find it exciting?

Would you end the whole marriage? Conclude that your relationship was built on sand?

I’ve long been convinced the man down the road is a spy. He’s so unbelievably bumbly like the guy from some mothers do have em that it must be an act!!

I'd find it quite sexy - then wonder why we aren't better off hahahah

Then those people weren’t recruited. The person I know who was (linguist with a good combination of languages) certainly never talked about it, was a shy, low-key nerd, and claimed, when I ran into him again years later at a gaudy to be working in the civil service in a job full past belief.

Like many people, neither DH nor I is allowed to disclose everything about our jobs, even to colleagues. Many people have careers that require discretion for a variety of reasons.

Since I know he isn’t out there having speed boat chases and drinking martinis, I wouldn’t really be concerned that he didn’t disclose the details of what he does on a computer.

What? My DP can’t even remember to take the bins out.

It might explain those ‘business trips’ to Swindon though…

It's probably really dull and mostly IT-based these days, not at all like James Bond or anything. I already know lots of people in IT, and I don't want to talk about their or my work, because I spend a lot of time doing that all day anyway.

I'd be very confused, because I occasionally see him out and about with clients, doing incredibly mundane things. I've also been to his work, and the office is full of very chatty women, who can never keep anything secret for long. If all this turned out to be a very clever cover, I'd have to applaud him for fooling me for the past 20+ years that he's been in that job. Like a PP, I'd also wonder why he's not well paid!

Interesting thread, OP. Asking for a friend, are we?

Haha my DP is a terrible eejit so I think the shock would kill me. But there was the case of the undercover police officer who infiltrated a group of new age travellers (something to do with protests IIRC), for a number of years, and ended up having a relationship with a woman and even a child with her. She later sued the police for a shit ton of money.

Not quite the same but my ex pretended to be someone he wasn’t, he lied about everything from his name, age, background, family etc. My daughter has a fake name on her birth certificate. I can tell you that when you find out the truth, it’s shattering, to put it mildly. The kind of thing you never really recover from. Also I felt almost like I’d been raped, I had consented to have sex with the person he made himself out to be, but not with the person he actually was.

My grandfather was a spy. He travelled from Soviet Union to Oak Ridge, TN to work on a research project and report back. It basically ruined his marriage and made him a compulsive liar. He couldn't be honest or himself with his family anymore after a year abroad.

Not fun, the aftermath that is.

I would worry for the state of the nation.

This is a man who can't remember names, even of people he has known for years. He is hopeless with technology. He is the only person I know who does not know how to send an email or use the Internet. And like pp he can't find the mayo in the fridge or remember that Wednesday is bin day, never mind which bloody bin it is. After 25 years in the same house.

He can shoot, in fairness. But he'd be more Johnny English than James Bond.

I used to work with someone who read Maths at Cambridge and was seriously clever, that is he came top in his year in his final exams. He never mentioned being recruited to be a code-breaker, but he did say that he and several friends were approached to work on some sort of system in casinos, because they were so good at difficult probability and making it up (= doing the calculations) as they went along.

He did change career after a few years, and went back to Cambridge to do research. Perhaps he’d misled us over what he’d done before that. If I see him (or his wife) again I’ll ask.

I have heard more than once about Cambridge linguists being approached to work at GCHQ, although I don’t know anyone who actually went through with it. But would they tell me? 😉

My dd knows two people who work for the British intelligence services, whilst they can’t tell people particulars, neither is it kept a complete secret. They are civil servants are far as their job in concerned, both the people she knows work my gchq though one is “on assignment” can’t say where

Or so he'd have you believe... 🤔

I think I'd be equal parts turned on and unsettled that he'd managed to lie so convincingly for decades. Of course it would make you wonder at least momentarily if he'd lied about other things, too. I'd be open to being convinced that he'd been honest with me about everything that mattered.

After the dust settled, I'd be very worried about him. I don't know if I could handle being married to someone with a dangerous job. Obviously many people manage the stress (spouses of soldiers, police, etc), but it would be an adjustment after years of thinking his biggest work-related risk was the commute and a sedentary lifestyle!

Do I sound mercenary if I'd ask him about his salary and pension?

Kim Philby’s wife got very unwell in terms of her mental health and died of alcoholism, I think.

It wouldn’t surprise me if this happened to my ex, as his work is linked in a round about way, without being too outing. He works overseas. I mean he isn’t, as kids have been to stay in current and recent countries, and it can’t be a front. But if he was working back in the UK, I can imagine it. Bet he would tell me though, as he wouldn’t miss an opportunity to show off!

I’d be very annoyed that someone who had the skills to be a spy hadn’t found his way to the totally non-secret laundry basket. Otherwise, fine.

But on here if he’d looked in your handbag it would be a police matter and grounds for divorce.
Cover then blown

Afghani is the currency.
Afghan is the nationality.

Another one who would die laughing, but then be really troubled as if DH was a spy, then the country would be fucked. He’s good at certain things, but a spy, nope😆.

ExH was for a bit.

the security vetting means that wife and girlfriends are aware.

The idea of DH being a spy is so ludicrous I can't even manage to visualize it for this imaginary scenario.

I, however, would make a bloody brilliant spy 😄!! Partly because of some of the work I've done previously, but mainly because I'm a middle aged woman, so am completely and utterly invisible. I wouldn't need to sit on a bench peeping through eye holes cut out of my newspaper - nobody would see me sitting there in the first place!

Brilliant. As long as DH was truly committed to me and valued being faithful and would quit spying if ever there were to be a conflict, I would be ecstatic!

It would be amazing.

I could understand how keeping secrets would be keeping me and the country safe.
I would not like to know the details.

I would trust in and admire his profession.

Initially I would like him to give me absolute proof of his job, however.

Far more scenic places to live up North working at GCHQ than Cheltenham...