AIBU to ask how you’d react if you discovered DH was a spy

[TheHorseWhoBecamePope]

Let’s say that you discovered your DH was living a lie. His job wasn’t real and was, in fact, a cover story. In reality, he worked for the secret service and was unable to tell anyone, even his spouse. How would you react?

Would the lies be too much, even if there was a valid reason for them?

Would you find it exciting?

Would you end the whole marriage? Conclude that your relationship was built on sand?

This was pretty much my first thought 'oh shit they're really in trouble'

Is the thread motivated by the Legends TV series on Netflix? I've been watching and wondering the same thing. Though the main undercover bloke does tell his wife. (I suppose technically he's an undercover investigator rather than a spy but the principle is the same, he has an alias etc.)

I would be astonished if my husband was a spy. He's incredibly unobservant. We met up with some friends the week before going on holiday and he couldn't remember where we were going and then guessed the wrong country.

He's also got terrible foot in mouth syndrome and says whatever comes into his head before he can stop himself. We bumped into one of his parents' elderly friends in town recently and he blurted out "oh I thought you were dead". That didn't go down well as you can imagine.

Maybe its all a very good ruse and he's actually an excellent spy!

I’d not care about all the lies as I would assume it was for protection what I would be fuming about is where is my damn holiday home and my yearly ski trip and why aren’t my children in private school with all that cash he must be stashing

I had no idea it was so important to be good at maths to be a spy.

If he was passing secrets to other countries, definitely not.

I find that people who have big jobs like this are rarely home and keep a private life as a sort of accessory to their main life so for that reason alone I'd be out because being an accessory is dull.

If he had looked me in the eye and lied many times again I'd be out because operating in someone else's false reality is boring.

I got my start date for "the MoD" and I told DH who was so excited he gleefully told practically everyone he'd ever met 🙄

Also he would have guessed because he loves gossip and is genuinely interested in my day. Not helped by my total inability to lie to him!

As a result and unsurprisingly, I do not work for MI5 the MoD.

If I found out this easily, I'd think he was a pretty shit spy. I'd then think that the 'spy' evidence had been planted by him so that I would think he was a spy and could therefore get away with shady behaviour.

If get my ducks in a row ( answer for everything )

Definitely. Don’t even consider LTB before those ducks are entirely in a row.

If I saw a license to kill card fall out of my husband’s wallet, I’d assume he’d made it himself and was playing out some sort of elaborate childhood fantasy/dream.

I’d start calling him Surname, first name, surname all the time will pissing myself laughing and watching him squirm.

If it did in fact turn out he was a spy, I’d eat the card.

But, OP, this would make an excellent comedic novel. Are you a writer? If not, become one and write it. I’d buy it in an instant!

Thinking about Slow Horses. None of them seem spy material but the Jackson Lamb character is smart, dangerous and a killer but is a fat shambolic drunk/heavy smoker. The others are all seemingly just regular people

Faking incompetence throughout our marriage is plenty enough reason to leave him. Or throttle him for making my life infinitely harder over the years to help his career. Too much selfish to live with. I’d feel like I was only part of his cover, not a life partner.

Plus I wouldn’t be comfortable living with a man who has a licence to kill.

Someone we knew was recruited by M15 or 6 - can’t remember which is which. But AFAIK everybody, including close family thought he was with the Foreign Office, until it came out when he died too young.

I'd be very very surprised, he couldn't find his shoe this morning, I'm not sure he's up to international spying 😂

It does seem that James Bond is the automatic go to for “spy”. I’m pretty sure Slow Horses is probably slightly nearer the mark (although the reality is hopefully between the two).

Honestly I think I'd think it was really cool 😅

In fairness, I don't really understand my husband's job and we don't talk about work so it is completely feasible!

My Ex would have made a good spy seeing as how he kept his sleazy affair and online presence a secret for over three years . Caught by his secret second phone . Rookie mistake.

It’s no big deal. I worked for the security services back in the 70s. The restrictions then were more stringent, you just had to say you worked for the MOD. It’s nothing like you see on the television!

It would probably explain why he always arrived home dangling from a helicopter and his unusual method of entering any room by slowly opening the door and scanning the room whilst pointing a gun.

I have a friend who worked at Cheltenham for a while. He was a linguist rather than a mathematician and it was his job to listen in to tedious phone conversations during which nobody ever said anything of interest. He lasted less than 6 months.

I also knew someone who worked for army intelligence in Cyprus and hung around in shorts, listening to conversations in bars and cafes. Everyone knew who he was and would greet him with cries of "Ooh, it's The Spy! Hello Willie!" He looked very like Boris Johnson.

The best spies would likely be middle aged women because we're largely invisible and no-one suspects us of being up to no good.

I once talked myself into a restricted site even though I'd forgotten the name of the person I did have an appointment to meet and gave a similar name, so eg Jason Brown instead of Jonathan Blake. When the security guard said no-one of that name worked there, I started thinking out loud, 'oh it could be James Blake' etc and then started looking at the contact list on the desk to see if I could see who it was and picked a name. She then let me though the barrier where I waited for about 10 minutes for him to arrive. In that time, if I had been up to no good, I could have disappeared into the site and it would have taken them some time to find me.

Yes I thought about Slow Horses too, particularly Jackson Lamb. He is incredibly astute but goes under the radar because he's rude scruffy and a drunk. He gives the impression that he is lazy and doesn't give a toss but he's actually observing and analysing all the time.

There's an episode where he's in a waiting room in a medical centre and someone refers to him as "that homeless man".

I would really admire him for keeping quiet for the sake of his country. My mother worked at Bletchley Park during the war and wasn't allowed to tell anybody that she did. It was only in the 1980s that they relaxed this rule and she could tell her family.

I'd want to know why he wasn't on a much higher salary to compensate for the "danger" aspect. Although, maybe he is and it gets siphoned off into a secret account so as not to raise suspicion 😅 If so, I'd really like access to that account please!!

I’d ask if he wanted me shaken or stirred. 😂😂

They're probably on a mediocre civil service grade that reflects neither the danger or specialism and the department that employs them is probably a revolving door of people doing it for a few years before leaving for something much more lucrative in the private sector.