to ask how to deal with family criticism over sending our child to a private school?

[RunBeforeBreakfast]

If you have sent your children to private school, have you had any negativity about it from others, especially family? If so how have you dealt with it?

Our children currently go to state primary but our oldest will be going to a private secondary school in September. It’s a nice school and we feel it will suit her. Since telling our family, some of them have been really critical of our choice as they don’t agree with private schools. I’ve listened to what they have said and understand their point of view, but ultimately, it’s our choice and I’ve said I don’t want to keep talking about it as the decision has been made. They stopped for a while but last week on the phone and at a meal yesterday they brought it up again, with our children there. They’ve never been interested in our children’s schooling until now.

What a vile comment. She’s doing no such thing.

How are they wording their dislike? Do you think it’s a case where they would do it if they could afford to? I think my response to them would depend on the answer to that question.

We did. Especially the older generation.

We’re now a few years down the line, and my judgiest aunt keeps nagging her own kids to look at private schools for their children due to how well our DC have got on and the experiences they’ve had. (Same local area, same shit state schools.)

Safe to say I didn’t react at all but smirked on the inside.

“This is the choice we’ve made, I’m not getting into a debate about it. If you don’t like private schools, you don’t have to send your child to one.”

😂😇😂I mean OK boomer

Never mind the fact that OP does not have to explain her decisions to her in-laws

But if her in-laws truly wanted the kids to grow up with a balanced view of the world and its differences, they would shut up and do anything to stay in their lives.....
..so that they can play out their virtue signalling in real life by taking them volunteering to homeless shelters or something, as I'm sure they do regularly.

no it isn't

Thanks for your opinion and advice but you have raised your children with your morals and ideals and this is our turn and our choice you have raised this a lot and we won’t be changing our mind on what you said so shall we agree not to discuss this further after all we’re not sending you the bill so it’s not relevant to you she’s our child and this is our choice.

Who are these people and why they air their opinions on the phone with you or at lunch like it is in their power to do so?

my parents nor my in laws have ever had any power given by me to air opinions

Just ignore. None of their business. Must be lefties I'd guess. Childless lefties even worse, as there's nothing like an actual real child to make idealistic principles go out of the window.

Might it not also be true that children educated in the state system may have little to no understanding of people not educated in the state system and of different socioeconomic backgrounds from their own, though? That might stunt them just as much.

I don’t think it’s ‘fair’ that they exist but I absolutely would send my kids to private school if I could afford it. Not that my opinion matters. And their opinion doesn’t matter either! Do whatever you think is best for your children

You’re very entitled to your opinion.

However I’d love to hear how a child who goes to the local state school with only people who also live within the same 5 mile radius is stunted compared to one who goes to a school where students travel in from miles away or even (if a boarding school) have friends from around the world.

And you can leave the “only working class people are real people” crap out - my DC have plenty of school friends who are builders/nurses/cleaners and (like us) live in normal houses/flats as scholarships, bursaries and inheritance don’t mean kids at private school are all millionaires.

Much more money flaunting bullshit when they were at state school!

Yup.

My husband was very against private education.

Then I inherited from my parents, we looked around some private schools and….. “omg yes, they must go, what an opportunity!!”

When it comes to your own children….

”i don’t want the family to fall out over this, I’ve heard your thoughts, the decision has been made by us as her parents in her best interests so let’s agree to disagree and leave this be before someone says something hurtful.”

Some of my DCs cousins (DH's side) have been privately educated, others weren't/aren't. All went to good state primaries. We aren't going the private route, but mostly because we cannot afford it. The cousins vary in age, but all get along extraordinarily. There is certainly no attempt to make their cousins feel less than. From the outside, you would not be able to tell which ones went to private school, which is fascinating because people have all these preconceived ideas about what typical private pupils/ex-pupils are like. No, these lot are a mixed bunch with involved parents who made sure they took school/grades seriously. That is what mattered the most here.

My own family are more like your in laws (politics-wise), but would respect my decision.

The best advice is to try and say nothing, and if pushed, just give minimal responses. Please leave them to their politics, you don't have to engage. Massive 'however', I would implore you to own your decision if you're ever challenged again in front of your kids. Go crazy and talk up the school. Tell them what excites you/your DC... smile, and be your true self. Don't shrivel up and be bullied by people who feel it's fair game to criticise you in front of your kids. Give it time, their own kids might start telling their parents to not be so rude!

You really do just have to be firm, even to the point of walking out the door.

from their side, there is no excuse for their behavior.

I think the particular school my nieces and nephews attend is actively harmful. When they talk about particular aspects of their education I have to bite my tongue firmly. They aren’t my children and it’s not my decision. All I do is if directly asked a question I answer it honestly, but that doesn’t come up often.

FWIW, I 100% agree with your in-laws but they are being rude. They’ve told you their views and now they need to shut up about it.

If they’ve been told numerous times to stop then try a letter or email. Shit sandwich it.

We love you very much and really don’t want any ongoing tension.

However, we have made a decision and won’t be changing our minds. We acknowledge your objections but it is our choice and we won’t be discussing it further. Please respect this so we can keep our close relationship.

Let’s agree to disagree and move forwards because we love you so much and know you love us and our children.

This comment speaks volumes about your own prejudices.

I can see how tough this is for you.
If all else fails, and to be honest, it looks like that's happened is it worth calling a family meeting without the kids being there and say you want to clear the air.
Put your cards on the table and that all their opinions are just that, opinions. You and dh are adults and have made an informed decision on what you want to do with your children, like they did with theres. They need to be told that you understand they have strong feelings but it doesn't change your decision and the remarks have to stop.

They are truly awful to your family, behaving like this.
By the way I know loads of lovely teen girls and young women who were privately educated and they aren't entitled but confident abd well rounded.

But it’s ok to pay membership subs at a rowing club? That’s not an option for everyone either

I don’t think that’s fair at all. Why does not having your own child mean you don’t get a view on education policy?

Plus the OP has already confirmed they have their own children so it’s also wrong.

What a crushing put down - well done you…

No it speaks volumes about my own experiences.

See elsewhere in this thread.

We had several close friends who seemed to hold similar values and opinions to us for many years.

Then for various reasons 4 out of 5 couples chose to send their kids to private school (reasons included: our parents paid; we had twins and they got a discount; we tutored them and they got a scholarship) All of these were people who could have afforded the full fees (at the time in the 1990's). It felt a bit shabby that they all made excuses to avoid owning up to their views that they could pay for a 'better' education.

It was not an option for us.

In truth it did subtley change our friendship / relationship.

We are still all friends now but there is still a tinge of difference...