to ask how to deal with family criticism over sending our child to a private school?

[RunBeforeBreakfast]

If you have sent your children to private school, have you had any negativity about it from others, especially family? If so how have you dealt with it?

Our children currently go to state primary but our oldest will be going to a private secondary school in September. It’s a nice school and we feel it will suit her. Since telling our family, some of them have been really critical of our choice as they don’t agree with private schools. I’ve listened to what they have said and understand their point of view, but ultimately, it’s our choice and I’ve said I don’t want to keep talking about it as the decision has been made. They stopped for a while but last week on the phone and at a meal yesterday they brought it up again, with our children there. They’ve never been interested in our children’s schooling until now.

No I’d avoid talking about the fact that it’s private.
It’s possible to talk about their subjects, clubs, trips etc without talking about it being state or private. With my friends and family we have lots of conversations about school stuff without delving into what sector the schools are.

Stunted by a lack of understanding of their peers from other socioeconomic backgrounds.

This is what I observe in my career. It is an opinion. You are entitled not to share it.

But that isn’t what you’ve reversed said.

If you want to give a relevant analogy it would be this

“children that go through the state school system don’t know how to behave outside of their own social group and they are damaged for life by a state education”

They don't sound very bright. Are they quite the ticket?

I would just respond "Thanks. We'll bear that in mind". And then move the conversation on. Every time.

For telling her that her boundaries are weak, just becuse she wants to keep her family together despite differing values

Isn’t that the same thing? As the (many) people who say things like you can never achieve your potential at state school?

don't ask. Tell.

"I will not discuss this any further. If you raise it again, we will leave/we will tell you to leave" (delete as appropriate)

The OP doesn’t answer to her in-laws!

Its not "one issue" its contiunual rudeness

to me it sounds like it matters so much to them, that it is a deal breaker. Some people do have such strong principles about things that they cannot put them to one side and be supportive of other choices. I believe Jeremy Corbyn split up with his wife because she wanted to send their children private school. I think all you can do once more is state your decision calmly and firmly. But then accept that you may well lose them. It’s very sad but as I’ve grown older I have accepted that we cannot always stay close to family members.

It’s his parents and brother! Of course it’s hard to follow through!

Exactly

The husband has supposedly given them an ultimatum but turned out to be a bluff but they carry on seeing them despite them even calling the op “cruel”!

the same parents and brother that have called the Op and DH “cruel”

Can you not just defend your choice to them so they can’t criticise?

That’s fair. I was just making a suggestion as she wants to try to find a way through it without losing contact, which I understand

But that sadly is the case for some because of the opportunities that they won’t know that they’d have flourished in ie my son would have no idea he’s an incredible rower if it hadn’t been for his school.

Whereas you said privately educated are “damaged for life” and “socially isolated”. And have no idea how to basically engage with anyone aside from their immediate peers.

Essentially…. Froth

He same family who criticised, judge, call her “cruel” and ignore the explicit request not to carry on talking about it or contact will cease.

So yes… clearly boundaries or rather a lack thereof - is an issue

Because no university has a rowing club whereas every private school does🙄

By 18 they’ll have sadly missed out on 5 years of training
but yes - some uni offers this

"Did you mean to be so rude? We acknowledged your disapproval the first time. It's noted. Now since we've covered that topic, let's move on to talking about Fly Fishing By JJR Hartley. I'm sure this is a topic you really want to hear our strongly held opinions about on repeat too".

Well of course they have always been good to you up until this point! They always thought you towed the line with their politics. Now they are aghast that you have a different view and they are determined to make you change

This is why I believe private schooling should be abolished. It should be not be possible to buy the chance for your son to discover that talent. It’s morally absurd.

However, we are where we are and the OP’s choice does deserve respect or at least silence from her family

Cool.

But you’d keep it to yourself if family decided to privately educate hopefully

I had this from a few people.

I just looked at them blankly as if to say what’s it got to do with you? And used phrases like “do you, that’s nice dear, well everyone has different priorities, it works for us”, then changed direction and asked someone to pass me the salt, gosh is it raining?

You need to practise a “it’s not your place to comment” vibe.

I did give someone it back once who went on about my kids in private school, and he owned and rented out 3 properties!!! Which one is the biggest pariah ?

As an employer, the thing that i find almost universally offputting amongst private applicants, is the 'private school swagger', a dangerous mix of arrogance and ignorance which (i imagine they believe comes across as confidence). Itvis dangerous because they do not recognise their own weaknesses.