I don't care

[Thoughtlife]

In the last hour, both of my adult children have told me via text they're bisexual.

AIBU that I don't care?

In my opinion if my kids had to talk to their sibling to pluck up the courage to txt me to tell me their bi then ive failed. Like I said previously my dd is a massive oversharer I don't need to know every little thing and I often say this to her (it makes no difference) she just can't help herself she thinks everything she says is interesting and the world needs to know about it they don't.

That hasn’t really answered the question of why you’re telling people what they can and can’t do. My kids have known since forever that there’d be no issue. But I’m still pretty sure they would say to me mum, I’m gay, bi, even though they’d know there’s no issue and I haven’t ever told them I expect a notification. We are just a family who can talk to each other with ease.

Because I'm the one that has to listen to it. I don't know if this is a my daughter thing or a younger people thing.

Why do you have any doubts about your response?

Your daughter isn’t everyone. Saying people (everyone) shouldn’t come out is bossy. For some people sitting their mum down and telling them is important, it’s not up to you to deprive them of that.

I just have never seen it as a big thing that needs a sit down conversation for. If someone said to me all seriously sit down we need to talk id think something horrific had happened. You seem to want it to be this big thing like it was 20 years ago. Surely the fact its been normalised is a good thing

But for some people it is important and I am no one to tell them what they should or shouldn’t do. I’m pretty sure my son would just say it casually but I’m also pretty sure he’d tell me because we talk very openly about feelings and stuff. He told me all the woes he had with his ex gf in a way I never would with my own parents and it made me feel proud that I brought them up to not be embarrassed by their feelings. I hugged him while he cried over his break up (he was 20). He would not in any way be afraid to tell me. I am not one of those mums who ‘couldn’t care less’ about their kids relationships.

I think it’s strange to say you don’t care. I imagine for them it was hard to tell you perhaps. Hence the joint messages. So to not care about them is a bit harsh. You could phrase it to “It doesn’t bother me who they love or identify as as long as they’re happy”. If that’s what you meant by don’t care.

I think if I shared some tough news and my partner put on a forum that they don’t care I’d be a bit upset.

I think by don't care what you mean is 'their sexuality has no bearing on how I love or care for them', which is fine, but remember that for them, being young this is a big deal and it usually takes a lot of courage to be open about such things. It also may be that sex and sexuality is not a topic you discuss with your family, which is also fine, and I could see how it may make you uncomfortable for some people to be more open about it. But you must acknowledge it, and in a way that's a bit kinder than 'I don't care'. Try something like 'I'm glad you know and understand yourself and I'm proud of you no matter who you love'.

@MrsShawnHatosy in the context of our family (gay and trans members) it's really not a big deal. It was just mentioned in passing in a conversation not a sit down big disclosure type conversation. I completely understand the OP when she says she doesn't care. It's not that interesting.

As long as they are happy and make wise choices then nothing more to be said. My adult children have never spoken about theie sex lives and I have never asked them about it

I wouldn’t care either. I’m happy to support them and it would be nice that they’d feel comfortable telling me, but I don’t see it as a big deal.

You care enough to post about it here.

Strange. My 11yr old tells me she’s bisexual. To be honest, I expect most girls/ young women to be as a default nowadays really.

I thought this too. ^

Was this thread for you to receive praise about ‘not caring.’ If so, it suggests you think it’s more of a ‘thing’ than most people do.

weird that they felt they had to text you and didn’t just mention it in passing. Guess they felt you might treat it as a big deal too.

This. ^ I think the OP wants everyone to say 'ooooh, you're such a cool mom....'

However, most parents wouldn't really care what their child's sexual orientation is to be honest.

What do you want from your thread @Thoughtlife ?

Why would you care who your child is attracted to so long as that person treats them well

My sister, not brother, came out to us and my dad’s attitude was to brush it under the carpet. His immediate reaction was (more or less): “Whatever, crack on with it just let’s not speak about it, you’re being childish.” I am paraphrasing but this was the gist.

He wasn’t homophobic: he never said she should be ashamed or that it was a perversion or asked her to leave or anything. And he was subsequently pretty tolerant and welcoming towards her partners. But he didn’t want to engage with her telling him she was gay.

He was uncomfortable with the idea that he should talk to his kids about their emotions and sex lives. I think the sexuality was a bit of a red herring: he never talked to me about my relationships either and I am straight. When my first serious relationship ended he never referenced it al all, like it wasn’t important.

I am just putting it out there that when a parent signals to their child that they are not interested in the child’s emotional life it tends to leave the child feeling that their emotions are not valid and not a priority.

This is MN. Reading too much into things is de rigueur !!

Did you read OP’s update ?

Yes, why?

This seems like too much of a coincidence to me - within an hour of each other? Are you sure they're not messing with you for some sort of joke?

It sounds to me like it’s been coordinated and quite possibly the children have been building up to this for some time.

I would hazard a guess that the OP’s “I am not interested, don’t want to know” attitude has prompted them to do it. Maybe they want it to be acknowledged.