AIBU to tell my seven-year-old his birthday present in advance?

[Enjoyingmyicecream]

It's my son's 7th birthday next week. I have a very weird situation - he doesn't like surprises and is crying on and off as he wants to know what his present is. I mean sobbing and shouting. He doesn't want the present now, but he hates surprises and wants to know what it is. AIBU to tell him??

Why do presents need to be a "surprise" though? If a person wants to know what they're getting then why the need for secrecy?

We don't do gifts, as adults and once mine got to teenage years, they'd pick clothes/footwear and want cash/vouchers. So in terms of birthday/Christmas surprises, they don't have to learn to wait. Most people are moving away from buying stuff, once the tween/teen years start. Why make the next few years anxiety inducing? It doesn't make sense.

Well done OP you absolutely did the right thing. Plenty of us get through life perfectly fine with Christmas and birthdays not being a surprise. You’ve saved your DC from a lot of unnecessary stress

Whenever I read your posts about your DS (many over the years!!) I always think about how fortunate your DS is to have you for his Mum! 💕

Perfect!!

Now he's looking forward to his birthday & getting his present 💕 as opposed to being anxious & unhappy just so the gift giver gets to have the 'moment!

I think the 'surprise' element comes from being taught not to expect a gift, in most families these days not getting a birthday present from parents just isn't something that is a realistic option to kids, plenty of opportunity to learn this in relation to other people.

i also think there's an element (more for adults) of wanting to feel someone knows/loves you enough to choose a gift that's 'perfect' for you.

Yes tell him, but be prepared for the anxiety to transfer to waiting on their arrival.
My DS has terrible anxiety and no patience.
I hope he has a lovely birthday.

Exactly. Insisting on giving a surprise present (or party) to someone who doesn't like surprises is just about gratification for the giver, not the recipient.

There seems no sense in insisting that your DS has to be surprised when he is distressed by being surprised. Gifts don’t have to be unexpected or unknown.

There’s a difference between just not liking surprises and actually feeling anxious about surprises.

My DDs have always known what their main present ois because it’s something they’ve asked for, we get a few little things too as surprises.
I hated opening presents in front of people as a kid too, don’t spoil his birthday over something so trivial

Any chance he’s behaving like this to get his own way?

And dealing with that by just avoiding surprise presents is a perfectly valid tactic.

You can’t avoid surprise presents all your life though…

Of course you can. I haven't had any for decades.

Right so all your friends, family, work colleagues etc tell you exactly what they’re buying you beforehand.

That’s actually not the norm to know in advance about every single present you ever receive.

Would telling him two different options and saying its one of these two options? Then his mind won't be completely wondering what it may be but will still be a surprise?

I don't receive any presents. Most people don't know when my birthday is and those that do know to pretend not to.

But even without that extreme position it can't be that difficult to expect most presents not to be surprises. Although even more likely is that as the number of presents tends to reduce as you get older anyway that even a child who is anxious about it will likely grow out of that to a degree without it having to be a big discussion at 7.

I don’t think not knowing what one of 7 or 8 friends might bring for a present to your birthday party is the same as not knowing what your main present from your parents is going to be - the OP’s post was specifically about “his present”.

I was replying specifically to the pp who said she’d been through her entire life (“decades”) never not knowing what a present would be, it wasn’t about the 7 year old.
If you’re going to wade in on an ongoing conversation, you need the whole context.

Ok so we’ve established your position is extreme and a long way from the norm.

So my original point that you don’t want to allow a life long anxiety around unknown presents to develop because you can’t avoid surprise presents all your life, is valid.

Yes, there is. But even if the person 'just doesn't like' surprises, there's no kindness in surprising them is there & on someone's birthday it should be about them, not the gift giver.

Sure, but I also don't think making a big deal of it at 7 is the way to avoid future anxiety. Just taking the pressure of by simply answering the question and making the whole palaver less intense is all that's required. Doesn't need a big introspection.

Who said anything about making a big deal of it? Just have a chat about why he’s worried about it and try to allay the underlying fear.

Maybe if your parents had talked to you and addressed your fear of not knowing how to react, you wouldn’t have ended up in a situation of no one ever giving you presents.

Nah. For me it's the very act of anyone buying me something I can't be doing with. Not so much about not knowing how to react any more. The surprise element is immaterial.

But there's nothing to suggest OP's son is going to be a 50th as weird as I am in the future. Whether he has to try and work out why he was bothered this year or not

He is 7 he will mature, and learn to manage his feelings but his mum doesn't have to insist on suprise gifts or he be grateful for the thought of a suprise, they can manage birthdays so he is actually happy on his birthday.

My Dd is in her 30s she still hates surprises but she manages to keep it to herself if other family or friends give her a gift.