AIBU to tell my seven-year-old his birthday present in advance?

[Enjoyingmyicecream]

It's my son's 7th birthday next week. I have a very weird situation - he doesn't like surprises and is crying on and off as he wants to know what his present is. I mean sobbing and shouting. He doesn't want the present now, but he hates surprises and wants to know what it is. AIBU to tell him??

That's a great plan 👍 Thank you!!

Exactly. Dd chooses her presents in advance. It makes her happy, pointless to create stress over it.

Thank you everyone. He was so worked up I actually just told him now..he's very happy and the prodding has stopped immediately.

He said it made him anxious not knowing and now he's happy. I think I made it a massive thing that it has to be a surprise but reading some of your lovely comments made me realise it doesn't have to necessarily be. Thank you all- I suppose I didn't realise that the not knowing makes some kids anxious as I love surprises myself! I'm glad I asked now.

I’m glad to see the good outcome!

My just turned 19 year old was exactly the same. I really wish we’d started doing it sooner. It made such a difference to him (and us!) . We do the same at Christmas. He wouldn’t know everything, just maybe the main things he’s asked for. He was still so excited when opening them 😊

Glad he is happy

If it’s causing this much upset and he doesn’t want the present now I’d just tell him.

I’m NT but surely surprise gifts are objectively stressful, aren’t they? What if you don’t like it and feel money has been wasted and you’re stuck with something you hate (or are just a bit disappointed with), AND you didn’t get anything you actually do like?!

That’s generally not what happens with children’s birthdays though is it? The recipient in the op is 7 years old.
Usually the parents know what they want and what they like and will buy them presents accordingly. Many kids also make lists. So nothing is really that surprising and very rarely something they don’t want or like.

Great outcome OP. Glad he’s happy! You can ask him next time if he would like a surprise that you choose, or if he would like to know, or a mixture of both. One advantage of knowing is the enjoyment of anticipation - eg I love looking forward to a holiday I’d planned. Or for your son looking forward to a present he really wants.

This! Its quite alarming the number of people in this thread that think a parent should just bow to tantrums and not even explore the cause. Even though people are saying 'I don't like surprises' I presume you don't sob about getting a birthday present. That is very unusual behaviour. You need to explore whether he is just having a tantrum or whether there is something deeper than that. Either way, just telling him what it is just papering over the cracks.

Of course you tell him. Why wouldn't you make his birthday less stressful for him?

Maybe not at 7 but by 9 I was doing everything I could to find presents before they were wrapped so I could work out in advance how to react. I loathed the not knowing immensely. Never enjoyed unwrapping anything and found it massively stressful. It's horrible for some children, and adults.

Edited to say: now I've seen your update I'm glad you told him. It isn't necessary to make people wait.

Very normal for young children to find surprises stressful.

Is there something he really wants and he's worried he won't get it? Did you ask what he wanted or will it actually be a total surprise? I think a lot of kids his age would find that stressful.

Aw my DD is the same ( she's auhd ) she hates surprises, they stress her out so much. She also hates unwrapping things 😅

i tell DD what she's getting, I do get little bits and don't pre warn her but for big things I let her know

Prior to finding out she was auhd, she would alwaus cry at birthdays and Christmases 😪

Tell him, what harm can it do?

There are lots of other ways of helping a child get used to dealing with the unexpected. There's no need to spoil his birthday by turning it into a 'learning experience '.

And disliking surprises is not at all unusual behaviour.

No it isn't. Throwing a tantrum about it is unusual though, even at 7.

Who says it was a tantrum? He sounded really upset and worried. Now he knows OP says he's completely calmed down and isn't asking to get it early or anything.

The fear has been taken out of it, now he seems to he calmly looking forward to his birthday and it will be more enjoyable for everyone. Win win.

So you think an anxious, upset small child is "throwing a tantrum"

This is why you chat about WHY he’s worried. If it’s about knowing how to react as it was in your case, then that is something that can be talked through and fears allayed.

When my children were younger maybe at age 8/9 ish, at Christmas I talked about saying thank you to wider family and avoiding using words or expressions that showed disappointment. I explained that there are always lots of presents that we’re really pleased with but sometimes we just politely say thank you to not hurt the feelings of the person that kindly gave us the present. They also knew that they could be honest with me and tell me they didn’t like something (and occasionally they did when they were a bit older and eg the top I’d bought wasn’t the right style but they’d learned how to do this tactfully and usually they were thrilled with everything, especially the surprises as we as parents tend to be very in tune with what they’re in to).

Yeah, wouldn't have worked for me. I never got used to the idea of presents and surprise being something pleasant and to be looked forward to. Remained stressful for ever and I've refused to accept any for years.

OP's son now has the ability to look forward to his birthday because the stress has been taken out of it. An excellent result.

Yep and she’s also said she’s also going to talk to him afterwards the presents which were surprises and see how he felt about it in retrospect.

These feelings do need to be explored rather than automatically given into, perhaps creating a life long anxiety around surprise presents.

I don't think liking surprises is a mandatory life skill. If he ends up never wanting surprises that's really OK too.

Right now all that's happened is all the stress and fear has been taken out of his birthday in one simple move. All good.