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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my husband I want a divorce ( mentions SA )

77 replies

Abitlostreally · 06/06/2026 10:40

Apologies in advance : this is painfully long.

'D'h and I have been married for 10 years, together for 20. 2 children. On paper he's the perfect husband - provides, loves us all, and does his share ( albeit thinking it makes him utterly a hero)

Basically in 2020 I woke up in the middle of the night to discover him having sex with me ( actual penetrative). I lay there , possibly frozen, in shock. He wasnt trying to wake me up, he was very careful to stop as soon as my breathing changed or anything . I lost my shit - explained to him thst it was rape and thst for me it was a leaving offense ( I grew up witnessing extremr domestic violence and was adamant id never accept it). He said all of the right things , and it didn't happen again ( thst i was aware of ) for years. In 2023 I woke up to find it happening again. Went nuclear , tried and failed to leave . He minimises , tells me that he cant help it, hes not aware of what he's doing. It's my fault because we dont/ didn't have sex.

I just need some people in my corner please. Im starting to feel crazy. He doesn't think its that bad, cant promise he won't do it again. I cant live like this .

OP posts:
Original poster
Abitlostreally · 06/06/2026 16:30

GOATYOAT · 06/06/2026 14:19

You do not need to feel guilt; he is the rapist. Regardless of what he says this is not your fault and you have done nothing wrong.

You can have no way of knowing for sure how many times he raped you while you were asleep during your life together.

He sounds like a deeply unpleasant character, so please make sure that you get really good proactive legal support rather than trying to come to any arrangements with him yourself, especially regarding finances

This is just my view and I accept it you may not find it helpful, however I would tell the police he raped me while I was asleep, and I would tell the children that he raped me while I was asleep, and I would tell anyone who asked what happened in my marriage that he raped me while I was asleep. The reason I would tell them that he raped me in my sleep is because he raped me in my sleep. He is the lowest of the low and does not deserve your protection.

Edited

@GOATYOAT , thankyou. My children are 13 and 14 and fairly sheltered- I'm honestly torn about whether to tell them or not. I don't want to damage their relationship with him, and I don't want to damage or traumatised them either.

With regards to anyone else - I totally agree. I have torn myself up for such a long time in regards to doubting myself and have become basically a contortionist in an effort to make it work, but regardless of anything extraneous the fact is thst he has raped me - i referenced the two occasions only for brevity. That in itself is a good enough reason . He almost convinced me that it wasnt! But it's not my shame to carry, and without being spiteful or vindictive I do owe it to myself to be truthful.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 06/06/2026 16:34

Does he ever offer to make you a drink before bed? Do you think he’s ever drugged you and this time you came through? I’m horrified that he thinks this is okay. There is an internet subsection group that offers tips on drugging your partner from amount to side effects, what excuse to use if caught, advice on how to clean up.. vile.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 06/06/2026 16:34

I wouldn’t tell the children until they’re older.

Original poster
Abitlostreally · 06/06/2026 16:40

DorisTheFinkasaurus · 06/06/2026 14:43

So, you've rightly decided to divorce. Please look up Charlotte Proudman, a solicitor whose area of expertise is sexual abuse and rape. Her Instagram handle is drproudman.
I would, on top of seeking legal advice, contact Woman's Aid and Citizens Advice as well as Turn2us (maybe this one is more for later on down the line?) Reporting him is the decision you now need to sit with.
I empathise with how incredibly tough it is to make this decision. Reporting our husbands feels unnatural because we are conditioned to believe they are our greatest ally, our person of trust, our children's person of trust. And almost always, they are. But when they are not, it is very difficult to come to terms with the fact that the person who should have protected us, above all others, abused and undermined that trust.
I reported my ex- husband when I discovered he'd sexually abused our daughter. It was a mix of automatically and instantly knowing it was the right thing to do. I didn't hesitate. And yet, I felt terrible guilt for 'ruining his life' (I got over that pretty quickly).
I still, 5 years on, mourn what never was... I mourn not him, not us, but what I used to believe in and hope for: A good marriage. I miss the land of make believe. But I am sure glad I don't live in it anymore. Hard lessons have been learned and it's been very traumatic. It is very normal to sit with both a sense of 'this is absolutely the right thing to do' and 'this doesn't feel natural at all'. But don't forget who has put you in that place of having to sit with such a hard decision. You wouldn't be here if you had been treated with love and dignity in your marriage. I will always be angry with my ex-husband for putting his family through hell all because of his dick's needs. It is maddening to think about. One penis... all that pain, suffering, and chaos. Mental, isn't it? Anyway...

The men we love and live with, the men we have a family with are not supposed to be our predators and abusers. It's not the order of things.
But often, they are the very men who do commit the worst acts against the women/children they are supposed to love, the people they have a duty of care for (mine was a GP and an NHS Clinical Child Protection Lead- so talk about Duty of Care with bells and whistles!). They commit these acts of violence with impunity because some men really believe we are their property to do with as they wish.

Reporting, and everything that comes after that, is hard. It will test you and your children. The road to justice is paved with landmines. I can't lie.
But the right thing to do is often the hardest thing to do. But none of it is as hard as staying with an abuser. And there is a sense of responsibility we, as women, feel towards society. It's in us. What he has done to you he will do to others (and probably has done before). I am sure you feel that reporting him protects others from his harm. I am just sorry that you have had to experience his harm, his abuse, such pain, OP.

The best thing to do right now is to talk about this with your most trusted friends and family members. But also, give yourself enough silent space to think. A Greek chorus can be overwhelming, supportive as it is.

@DorisTheFinkasaurus thank you. It means so much that you understand. I am truly sorry that you went through that, and live in the aftermath of it too. I think it's the disconnect between who I thought he was, and who he has shown himself to be, and also trying to reconcile the two. It's incredibly sad and disappointing, and as you say, such an absolute waste !

OP posts:
Original poster
Abitlostreally · 06/06/2026 16:43

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 06/06/2026 15:19

I divorced my ex husband for the exact same thing.

@Abitlostreally you need to leave because you DO MATTER. He raped you. Twice that you know of. What advice would you be giving your sister, friend, daughter if they came to you saying the same thing.

You deserve better.

You don't have to report to police. I didn't. But you do need to leave.

@Ihatelittlefriendsusan thank you for your post. Can I ask- if you don't mind - how you managed the divorce and the aftermath? Totally understand if you dont wish to elaborate

OP posts:
cordeliavorkosigan · 06/06/2026 16:44

Just coming in to say: you do matter.
Everyone here, women's aid, solicitors, everyone knows and you do too somewhere: you matter, op.

Original poster
Abitlostreally · 06/06/2026 16:45

EmeraldShamrock000 · 06/06/2026 16:34

Does he ever offer to make you a drink before bed? Do you think he’s ever drugged you and this time you came through? I’m horrified that he thinks this is okay. There is an internet subsection group that offers tips on drugging your partner from amount to side effects, what excuse to use if caught, advice on how to clean up.. vile.

@EmeraldShamrock000 to be absolutely honest , the Giselle Pelicot case , and the recent outcry regarding that disgusting website really cemented my feelings . I don't sleep well ( shockingly ) and do have historically relied on sleeping pills and so forth. There is no part of me that believes it didn't happen much more frequently

OP posts:
shoppingred54 · 06/06/2026 16:56

@Abitlostreally I am so sad to read what’s happened to you. You are not alone. You’ve been given lots of good advice. Get as much information as you can. Don’t disclose any of this to your husband. There is a documentary on ITV - it’s a difficult watch but it will give you insight - Kate’s Story about a woman who was married to a former government minister.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 06/06/2026 17:01

Abitlostreally · 06/06/2026 16:43

@Ihatelittlefriendsusan thank you for your post. Can I ask- if you don't mind - how you managed the divorce and the aftermath? Totally understand if you dont wish to elaborate

Show quote history

I don't mind at all. Ask me anything, if it can help i will.

We didn't have kids, so it was much easier than your situation. But honestly like with you it wasn't the first or even the third time that made me leave. In fact the final straw was when he attacked me when I said inwas going tonstay at my parents as I needed space and time to think.

The aftermath was hard. He told everyone I had cheated on him, which I hadn't, but I was so ashamed and so convinced people wouldn't believe me/think what he did was wrong that it took me a very long time to disclose the truth.

I lost friends as a result because there were people who couldn't/wouldn't believe he could be that horrible. But I also learnt who really had my back.

I waited 2 years for divorce, but I was younger and nieve and didn't really know what i was entitled to. I just wanted it all to be over.

PetulaGordeno · 06/06/2026 17:16

There are two threads on here right now two separate posters who have been through this and stayed.
Both utterly, utterly broken women. They post for support but reading about their lives is heartbreaking.
And so many posters have replied saying they were once considered sheltered children but they always knew. They knew even if they couldn’t pinpoint every fact.
You already are aware.
This man is a rapist.
And a financial abuser.
You already have your personal testimony and texts as evidence.
It is going to be hard but it’s time to make a break. Let the chips fall.
Or still be there when your kids have gone, an entirely broken woman, a ghost of a human.
He is a rapist. And it’s not about sex it is about power and degrading you.

Loulou4022 · 06/06/2026 17:28

If you were asleep then you were not able to provide consent so that is rape! Leave his sorry ass and I’d be contacting the police!

oliviaAustin · 06/06/2026 17:39

He doesn’t think it’s that bad that he rapes his wife in her sleep? Well he’s not the law. It’s rape. Clearly and definite rape - he is having sex with you when you are unconscious and cannot and have not previously consented. Doesn’t matter if you didn’t have sex recently… wives don’t have to have sex or else get raped. That’s not how it works anymore.

You could have him arrested. Remind him of that. He’s aware of what he’s doing because he’s literally having sex with you and stopping when you stir. If he was also asleep somehow he would continue when you stirred. Also he’d be apologetic and see a doctor.

Leave. He has told you he will continue to rape you against your will. That’s about as bad as it gets. You should also tell his mother if he doesn’t find it that bad, or his best mate. See if he’s embarrassed and realises actually it is that bad.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 06/06/2026 17:42

Abitlostreally · 06/06/2026 16:45

@EmeraldShamrock000 to be absolutely honest , the Giselle Pelicot case , and the recent outcry regarding that disgusting website really cemented my feelings . I don't sleep well ( shockingly ) and do have historically relied on sleeping pills and so forth. There is no part of me that believes it didn't happen much more frequently

Show quote history

Oh that’s terrifying. Please take care of yourself. Ring the rape crisis centre for advice. He cannot be allowed back into your bed.

oliviaAustin · 06/06/2026 17:42

Make sure you control the narrative OP. Get your side out to people first before he does.

crochetandshit · 06/06/2026 17:57

Can you search for and make copies of as much paperwork as you can relating to finances while he's out of the house?

Brokentoes85 · 06/06/2026 18:05

Abitlostreally · 06/06/2026 10:56

Thank you. He definitely minimises, and blames me for not being more sexual 🙄. I feel safe around him in terms of if we were in a room speaking i dont think he'd be violent to me - he has this perception of himself as A Good Guy, but i cannot share a bed with him without risking that he'd touch me/ rape me.
He is staying with a family member atm

Abusers handbook-blane the victim.

Go to the police.

Oncemorewithsome · 06/06/2026 18:10

I would go to rape crisis, they can help you decide what is in your best interest in terms of police or not.

Original poster
Abitlostreally · 06/06/2026 18:52

Thank you everyone. I am reading all of your posts and they are resonating- it's a lot to take in, even tho none of it is new information- it just hits differently when it is delivered from someone else.

Im feeling a bit vulnerable and fragile, so I'm not going to post again tonight - having what I knew echoed back at me eith such conviction and support is so appreciated and means so much, but has also meant I'm having to resign myself to steps I never wanted to have to take without the comfort of denial if that makes sense? So I'm going to have a cosy evening cuddling my children and reassuring myself as best I can , and will be back in the morning , hopefully feeling a but stronger.

Again, thank you all

OP posts:
Abitlostreally · 06/06/2026 20:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/06/2026 20:28

There is a disorder when people start trying to have sex in their sleep, doenst sound like this though as you’re sure he was awake?

Original poster
Abitlostreally · 07/06/2026 07:44

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/06/2026 20:28

There is a disorder when people start trying to have sex in their sleep, doenst sound like this though as you’re sure he was awake?

@Unexpectedlysinglemum yes there is . It's called sexsomnia. I believe a lot of men who abuse their partners or wives in this way use that to gaslight them. I did beg him to go to dr, and he refused- that, coupled with the fact that he stopped and altered his abuse whenever I stirred or moved, made me doubt the possibility.

OP posts:
Velvian · 07/06/2026 07:54

@Abitlostreally make sure you screenshot and backup the messages from him in case he deletes them.

💐for you. It sounds like he has been financially abusing you, as well as raping you.

Best of luck with the solicitors tomorrow.

Original poster
Abitlostreally · 08/06/2026 18:02

It has been the most agonising and emotional day and I think ive felt every feeling ever invented , but i did it! I spoke yo an incredible woman at Women's Aid, and I have also made an appointment with a lawyer for Wednesday.

OP posts:
NotAWurstToIt · 08/06/2026 18:12

Well done OP, that’s huge! You’ve taken control back and that’s such a big deal. You should be so proud of yourself.

Pinkflamingo10 · 08/06/2026 19:11

This is rape. Have you spoken to women’s aid and a solicitor to plan your leaving and divorce ? Police ?
I would be sleeping in my own room with the children with a lock on the door until he leaves. Don’t leave him alone with your food or drink since you know he likes having sex with unconsenting unconscious women.
edited to add : sorry have just seen you have contacted women’s aid now. Good luck x

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