AIBU to tell my husband I want a divorce ( mentions SA )

[Abitlostreally]

Apologies in advance : this is painfully long.

'D'h and I have been married for 10 years, together for 20. 2 children. On paper he's the perfect husband - provides, loves us all, and does his share ( albeit thinking it makes him utterly a hero)

Basically in 2020 I woke up in the middle of the night to discover him having sex with me ( actual penetrative). I lay there , possibly frozen, in shock. He wasnt trying to wake me up, he was very careful to stop as soon as my breathing changed or anything . I lost my shit - explained to him thst it was rape and thst for me it was a leaving offense ( I grew up witnessing extremr domestic violence and was adamant id never accept it). He said all of the right things , and it didn't happen again ( thst i was aware of ) for years. In 2023 I woke up to find it happening again. Went nuclear , tried and failed to leave . He minimises , tells me that he cant help it, hes not aware of what he's doing. It's my fault because we dont/ didn't have sex.

I just need some people in my corner please. Im starting to feel crazy. He doesn't think its that bad, cant promise he won't do it again. I cant live like this .

You’ve been really brave to recognise this for what it is OP - he has been raping you and the fact he minimises it and tries to blame you says all you need to know about him.
He’s not a good man and the fact that he thinks he’s entitled to your body and takes it by stealth is appalling.
As others have said, seek legal advice and please don’t take him back - he is dangerous and you deserve so much better.
Sending strength.

I think I would try to record him admitting to it - or get him to say it via text - and then go to the police. But I think you should do whatever feels right for you in terms of reporting it, it’s a very personal decision.

Hm gosh I wonder why you're not enthusiastically throwing yourself at a man you know to be a rapist - he must be really struggling to try and make sense of that

Honestly OP I'm so sorry for what you're going through and you're absolutely doing the right thing to draw the line. This is absolutely irredeemable. What a hideous specimen he is and all the crap he's tried to tell you.

Wishing you all the best in this. It might be hard but it'll be worth it.

Also please don't underestimate what he's capable of physically - he's already been telling you he can't help himself, he's not in control of what he's doing etc... that would worry me quite a lot.

Op have this discussion with him on text or get proof of this. You may need it one day of you want to hold him accountable.

just posted this too. Do this please op.

Get rid of him.

Thank you . I have texts where he admits it ( and blames me ). I've taken all of your points above about not underestimating what he could be capable of - especially now that I am more resolute. As he realises this i am fully expecting the mask to drop and am trying to prepare myself as best I can .

I have contacted Womens Aid , with the hope that they will be able to support me in terms of extricating myself mentally and emotionally in addition to a physical separation.

Im feeling numb , and guilty and sad and stupid.

I don't think you're an idiot at all! You're brave to have posted and confronted this when it's painful and traumatic. I hope you get lots of support from friends and family. Your safety and wellbeing is the most important thing x

OP, do you have access to documentation which is evidence of all of the assets you and he hold either jointly or separately?

The house, bank accounts, investments, pensions, cars, etc.

Start putting all these together this weekend and give them to the solicitor next week.

PS How long is he staying with the family member for?

To try and answer all questions - he is staying with the family member indefinitely- aka until the point where he realises that im serious and will then start making noise about it being his house. I do not have access to our finances - i think that he has insidious eroded any sense of capability and independence that i used to have. I know roughly the value of his pension and our investment properties, but i do not have any access to them. I can survive and feed the children using my sick pay for now , but obviously thst is not viable long term

@Abitlostreally the fact that you don't have access to finances alone means you are being financially abused quite apart from the rapes and anything else. I'm so glad you've contacted Women's Aid, have you got an appointment to actually speak to someone?
Please be careful, I'm concerned that he could turn nasty if he thinks you're plotting to leave and get your FAIR SHARE of the marital assets.

OP, in the list of local contacts you have been given, is there a solicitor who deals with the right areas of the law and whose office is close enough for you to be able to get there easily?

I would look at the firm's website for his/her contact details and write to him/her over the weekend, following up with a phone call on Monday.

solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

You do not need to feel guilt; he is the rapist. Regardless of what he says this is not your fault and you have done nothing wrong.

You can have no way of knowing for sure how many times he raped you while you were asleep during your life together.

He sounds like a deeply unpleasant character, so please make sure that you get really good proactive legal support rather than trying to come to any arrangements with him yourself, especially regarding finances

This is just my view and I accept it you may not find it helpful, however I would tell the police he raped me while I was asleep, and I would tell the children that he raped me while I was asleep, and I would tell anyone who asked what happened in my marriage that he raped me while I was asleep. The reason I would tell them that he raped me in my sleep is because he raped me in my sleep. He is the lowest of the low and does not deserve your protection.

please get in touch with a women's aid organisation, they are in the best position to advise your ref your next steps whether that be leaving him / reporting him to the police / contacting a solicitor
and they'll give you not only good advice but a hand hold throughout
you know you need to get away from this man and you can do this with the right advice and support
wishing you all the best x

So, you've rightly decided to divorce. Please look up Charlotte Proudman, a solicitor whose area of expertise is sexual abuse and rape. Her Instagram handle is drproudman.
I would, on top of seeking legal advice, contact Woman's Aid and Citizens Advice as well as Turn2us (maybe this one is more for later on down the line?) Reporting him is the decision you now need to sit with.
I empathise with how incredibly tough it is to make this decision. Reporting our husbands feels unnatural because we are conditioned to believe they are our greatest ally, our person of trust, our children's person of trust. And almost always, they are. But when they are not, it is very difficult to come to terms with the fact that the person who should have protected us, above all others, abused and undermined that trust.
I reported my ex- husband when I discovered he'd sexually abused our daughter. It was a mix of automatically and instantly knowing it was the right thing to do. I didn't hesitate. And yet, I felt terrible guilt for 'ruining his life' (I got over that pretty quickly).
I still, 5 years on, mourn what never was... I mourn not him, not us, but what I used to believe in and hope for: A good marriage. I miss the land of make believe. But I am sure glad I don't live in it anymore. Hard lessons have been learned and it's been very traumatic. It is very normal to sit with both a sense of 'this is absolutely the right thing to do' and 'this doesn't feel natural at all'. But don't forget who has put you in that place of having to sit with such a hard decision. You wouldn't be here if you had been treated with love and dignity in your marriage. I will always be angry with my ex-husband for putting his family through hell all because of his dick's needs. It is maddening to think about. One penis... all that pain, suffering, and chaos. Mental, isn't it? Anyway...

The men we love and live with, the men we have a family with are not supposed to be our predators and abusers. It's not the order of things.
But often, they are the very men who do commit the worst acts against the women/children they are supposed to love, the people they have a duty of care for (mine was a GP and an NHS Clinical Child Protection Lead- so talk about Duty of Care with bells and whistles!). They commit these acts of violence with impunity because some men really believe we are their property to do with as they wish.

Reporting, and everything that comes after that, is hard. It will test you and your children. The road to justice is paved with landmines. I can't lie.
But the right thing to do is often the hardest thing to do. But none of it is as hard as staying with an abuser. And there is a sense of responsibility we, as women, feel towards society. It's in us. What he has done to you he will do to others (and probably has done before). I am sure you feel that reporting him protects others from his harm. I am just sorry that you have had to experience his harm, his abuse, such pain, OP.

The best thing to do right now is to talk about this with your most trusted friends and family members. But also, give yourself enough silent space to think. A Greek chorus can be overwhelming, supportive as it is.

Make sure you get a legal aid family law solicitor who is skilled in working with rape and abuse.

Sorry pressed the wrong one when scrolling,
I can’t change it in the app. Yanbu

He's ruined your life and he doesn't care. In fact, he's telling you that he can't promise not to rape you again. Please don't worry about ruining his life. He has done that to himself through his sexually abusive behaviour. He thinks you are trapped in the marriage. Reporting him to the police will protect you from him doing this again.

Call the police.

This man is a rapist and a psychopath.

A 10-year marriage with children will entitle you to a share of all his assets, including his pension, your home and his other investment properties.

He relies on your fear of being left with nothing to carry on raping you with no negative consequences for him. Show him that he is wrong. Speak to the police, Rape Crisis and a solicitor.

I divorced my ex husband for the exact same thing.

@Abitlostreally you need to leave because you DO MATTER. He raped you. Twice that you know of. What advice would you be giving your sister, friend, daughter if they came to you saying the same thing.

You deserve better.

You don't have to report to police. I didn't. But you do need to leave.

He 100% needs to be in jail.

Who are the absolute psychopaths who make up the 2% who have voted YABU?

OP, I'm so sorry that you have become involved with this evil man who fundamentally believes that you don't deserve human rights.

I applaud your intention to refuse to accept that you are not fully human.

I hope he rots in hell.

This is a really good idea @TheSquareMile , I will do that tomorrow, and follow up with them on Monday. I'm trying to minimise interaction and only communicate via message- he does know i have/am contacting anyone and I do not intend to tell him.