“That’s what your 20s are for!”

[KookyHen]

So, I’ve just been on an AMA thread where the OP is talking about her two children who have been able to get onto the property ladder, with their respective partners, in their early 20s.

I’ve noticed a few responses along the lines of “I would never have wanted to do that” / “I was living a colourful life!” and “that’s what your 20s are for!”

My POV is that everybody is different - we all value different things and live our lives accordingly. In my mind, living a colourful life/not settling down until later - or even ever - is a valid choice! And settling down/putting down roots quite early on is also a valid choice!

But now I’m genuinely curious as to others’ views on this…

Are you like me, and see both paths as valid choices (regardless of your preference)? Or do you have a strong view that one path in your 20s is better than the other for most people generally? If so, why is that?

What path did you follow? Was that best for you, and why? Or do you regret the path you took at all? Really interested!

FWIW, I haven’t lived a hugely colourful life (i.e travelling/partying), but didn’t settle down straight away (as in marriage/house/kids). I did these things in my early 30s. This was more due to finances/circumstances than anything! I’m quite a homebody and, had circumstances allowed, I would have perhaps settled down/put down roots a fair bit earlier!

Honestly, to me someone ‘settling down’ in their hometown and getting a mortgage at 22 suggests someone who hasn’t been exposed all the other vast possibilities in the world and simply doesn’t know they’re there. They’re starting to trudge along the only path they’re aware of for lack of knowledge of other options. I could have been that person (my parents had hardly left their home town, and never the country, and had lived quiet lives on minimum wage jobs and brought me up to expect to do the same, leaving school early and getting a local shop job, marrying young, being a SAHM), but reading opened my eyes to the existence of other worlds, so at eighteen, scared shitless, I got the first passport I’d ever seen and went overseas as an au pair and had my first glimpse of the rest of the world.

I lived a VERY colourful life in my late teens and twenties. Partied, traveled, questionable boyfriends, ski seasons, summers lifeguarding on lakes and sleeping with hot Australians, I crewed on a catamaran for a while, worked on an English language newspaper in south America. I somehow got a degree in there at some point. I wouldn't change it for ANYTHING. I had kids at 32, 36 and am pregnant again at 40. We're financially stable, we have life experience etc etc.

However one of my best friends from school got unexpectedly pregnant at 18, she had to get her shit together, fast. Finished uni, got a management job in the NHS, moved back near her parents, married her boyfriend at 22 and had another kid. At the time I was so relieved that wasn't me. But now her kids are adults (or very nearly), she's got loads of free time, plenty of money and can spend time on herself while I'm balls deep in school runs and swimming lessons and PTFA fundraisers.

Honestly, I'm not sure one path is better than the other. It's just different. Becoming a parent so young was obviously hard for my friend, I wouldn't recommend it to my kids. But if they wanted to settle down in their early twenties I wouldn't tell them not to, it's their life!

My Dd had a mortgage by 24 she also had a well paid job,
some posters have a privileged life and have fall backs that is why they fannied about in their 20s, i mean nothing wrong with that but some young people go to work have social lives and enjoy a steady life style.

I think live and let live in the whole, so long as the bills can be paid. it seems that creativity is a privilege, and that seems a shame.

I went to uni in london and never never lived back in my hometown. Friends and family who stayed have a good life and are happy (despite what that reform twonk claims), but I always knew I wanted to live in cities (London for uni, then around the world, and settled back in london in late 30s). Graduating in the GFC I felt I had to cling onto my job as there wasn’t family money to fall back on. Now I’m ’set up’, i am starting to wonder how to be me again.

But the opposite of having a mortgage in your early 20s isn’t ’fannying around’. That’s a false opposition. And privilege has nothing to do with it. I was from a dirt poor family and had had PT shop jobs since I was 13.

Ahh, already really interesting responses, thank you!

Yes, it’s that whole question of “what are you missing out on if you don’t broaden your horizons/properly explore the world?”

Also interesting to read about two friends whose lives took different paths and what their lives look like now. There’s that question of “Is it ok to start exploring/broadening your horizons later on instead, once kids have flown the nest?” And does it work out that way with how the world is now, with adult kids needing more support? Would be curious to see if there is anybody who has done it that way around.

@Swissmeringue you make my 20s seem very boring with all of that - have definitely never slept with a hot Australian 😂

I haven't read that thread yet. Everyone yes is different. I partied and travelled in my late teens and 20s and settled down in my 30s and definitely don't regret doing it that way.

I've a good friend since I was 16 years, we're both in our 50s her a bit older. She had her children young, she was always saying she'd raise her family young leaving her to do all her traveling and taking it easy by her 40s/50s but she's now at the stage that she has grandchildren and she's practically raising them as her adult children need to work, there wasn't really much of a break for her to travel etc she's now suffering with menopause and struggles with joint pain, she gets tired easily and she can't just take off on holiday as she needs to check with her adult children when is suitable. She always says she doesn't regret any of it but there was one night when she had a few drinks and said she never got to go clubbing and never had a girls holiday and she use to envy seeing me and our other friends getting ready to go out and taking off on holidays in our 20s.

Married at 19 and had my DC at 20. Never cared what others did and never compared myself to others. Still don't. I'm weird, I guess. I don't care because I'm not comparing..ha!

I found the responses on that thread really odd. I bought my first house at 22 after working 3 jobs for 2 years to save the deposit. I didn’t really settle down until my mid 30’s when I got married and had my daughter.

I did loads of travelling in my 20’s and plenty of partying. I just didn’t want to waste a load of money on rent 🤷

I think people should do what their personality wants them to do. Societally women in the past were shoehorned into marriage and children very early. Nowadays they have choice. If the young person is pretty quiet and steady with very strong local links they might want to settle down early somewhere close to family. Equally there are young people who can’t wait to move away to the nearest city and live a little. Both options are equally as valid.

Yes, this is exactly the sort of situation that popped into my head when writing my last post…do circumstances get in the way when you’ve made plans to do all the exploring and “me time” later on?

Yes, you’re so right on that! And I appreciate that my post was presenting two polar opposites. In reality there are lots of people somewhere in the middle - no mortgage, but still having some fun/life experiences, holidays etc. While still saving and with some ties/responsibilities. I would say this was how it was for me in my 20s.

I had kids and mortgage young I wouldn't have it any other way. All I ever wanted was a family and a stable, simple life. I have a part time minimum wage job that I love and i was never interested in a high up stressful job where i was working all the time and missed family time.We've been doing our house up over the years and i absolutely love it. I haven't travelled in a sense of travelling the world but its not something I have an interest in, we have had lots of family holidays abroad.

I think the issue for me that unless you see some of the rest of the world (and I mean that in the widest possible sense, not just sunrise on a Thai beach or whatever— I mean sleeping with hot Australians or working for a South American newspaper (to borrow a pp’s experiences!), or having close friends who grew up in a yurt in a completely alien culture or who have had completely different lives and or working and living somewhere with a completely different landscape, climate, culture, politics etc) you’re not freely choosing a mortgage and a semi-d in Stevenage because you know that’s a life that works best for you.

I’d be a bit gutted if my kids didn’t make the most of their freedom in their 20s. I actually was married and had a house and baby by 29. But most of my 20s were spent living it up - having a wild time at uni and beyond and travelling for 14 months.

You’re never properly young and carefree again, even if your kids are grown and fledged when you’re in your 40s.

I do get what you are saying - how is it really a choice when you’ve not been exposed at all to other ways of living first?

Some poster upthread mentioned “personality” which really influences our choices. I have made conscious steps since graduating to test myself in different situations (not far-flung, other end of the world ones, admittedly) and to then proceed to build a life that I know works for me and my personality.

I think many people have a “gut feeling”/know themselves enough to know what life they want. But I think there are others, like you said, who might not have ever considered earlier on that there are different ways to be and have later realised they might have liked to follow a different path. ‘Educating Rita’ and ‘Shirley Valentine’ have both just popped into my head! (Though I haven’t properly watched the latter). I don’t believe those characters went globe-trotting - they just realised there was more than one path to choose!

There are pros and cons to every choice. I married in my teens had my first baby within a year and had all of my children by 23. I have told my Granddaughter not to copy my young life but to make her life all about her until she is in her late 20s.
I had all of my children by the time i was 23 and hopefully will live long enough to see my Great Grandchildren. I would not have liked to have my children in my 40s and then maybe not being here to see grandchildren grow and never having a chance to see great grandchildren. We all do it our own way.

It's possible to do both! I've always loved travel, we just used to travel on much more of a budget when we were younger. It is harder now to keep costs down.

I think people need to do what's right for them. Some people don't want to travel (I dont understand them but they exist! 😏), some people want kids young or are just happy with a simpler life.

Younger people do have it difficult now though. I didn't come out of uni with a massive amount of debt to be repaid and we bought when houses were cheaper.

If people blow all their money in their twenties now and don't save anything they'll most likely end up paying a mortgage into their seventies by the time they've saved a deposit.

I make up for it by being extra boring now. I have a sourdough starter and an allotment.

I think the responses here are so interesting. As much as I wanted broad horizons I'm not sure everyone does, my husband is like me and his brothers are the exact opposite. They live within 5 minutes of his parents, and are generally delighted with their lives. I remember just after DH and I got married I was having a career crisis so quit and went to Mexico to study Spanish for 6 months (DH thought this was a great plan, he took a 2 month sabbatical in the middle of my trip and joined me, we backpacked through southern Mexico, Guatemala, Honduras and Nicaragua). When we got back we were having lunch with his brothers and their families and my niece was asking lots of questions, his brother looked horrified and said "you don't need to go to Mexico to learn Spanish". He doesn't need to have done it to know it's not for him.

I've totally outed myself at this point..... Hi to anyone who knows me 😂🤦‍♀️

Yes, absolutely, I have a 5 year old now and know I will never stop worrying about her/putting her first! I’m not the sort of person who was ever living it up in the sense that others mean it, but I appreciate there is a lot more freedom - to do anything, really - without children! Also the world is much harder now, in my opinion - young adults need to live longer with parents while they save to take whatever next steps, parents rely on their parents for childcare so they can work and cover the bills…so I imagine it’s not so easy to get around to doing all the exciting things you intended to do later on - or not to the same degree at least!

I’m fascinated by the difference in people when it comes to this sort of thing. I’ve definitely seen disgruntled posts from grandparents on Mumsnet whose retirement isn’t panning out as planned for above reasons. Yet, I know my mum is all about home/family and has no inclination to do anything else!

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with choosing a more sensible, traditional path in your early twenties as long as that’s really what you want and not what you’ve been pushed into by the expectations of others.

I have a few friends who spent their twenties partying and travelling and I think all but teo or three of them weren’t really happy at the time, they felt quite lost and aimless and like they didn’t know what to do with their lives. Obviously for some people it’s great but not everyone who takes that path is living it up and having an amazing time, some of them are also just doing it because they feel it’s what they are meant to do.

I’m very much of the same opinion as you, everyone is different and both paths are valid.
I have been with DH since we were 17, we moved in together at 21, bought a house at 23 and married at 25. Had our eldest child at 28.
I still did all the partying and nights out when I was at uni and don’t feel like I missed out on anything (although moving away to uni might’ve been nice but I am a homebird and that wasn’t financially an option anyway!)
I’m not particularly fussed about travelling, I have been to a few places on holidays but the thought of backpacking and hostels and things not being familiar never really appealed to me.

I know someone who would have been deemed ‘boring’- bank job out of school, saved like a trooper and bought a house early twenties, started investing in forties and now in his fifties he’s retired and going travelling. Met him and he’s such a happy person. I’m so jealous but think it’s fab!!!

I have seen a fair bit of YouTube content from families with young children who live in vans, skoolies etc. so it is definitely possible!

A part of me wishes I could do something similar but it’s down to “personality” again - I am not as practical, financially savvy, streetwise…and would get pretty stressed at the lack of routine or if something broke!

I do love watching their adventures though, and the creativity in their mobile homes!

DH and I have been together since we were 16 but had no desire to settle down in our early 20's, in our opinion those years were for having fun and having fun is what we did. We purchased our house in our late 20's and had our two DC in our 30's.

Now in our 50's and zero regrets. Happy for our DC (18 and 21) to live at home for as long as they wish. Neither have any desire to get a mortgage any time soon, they are both having fun with friends.