“That’s what your 20s are for!”

[KookyHen]

So, I’ve just been on an AMA thread where the OP is talking about her two children who have been able to get onto the property ladder, with their respective partners, in their early 20s.

I’ve noticed a few responses along the lines of “I would never have wanted to do that” / “I was living a colourful life!” and “that’s what your 20s are for!”

My POV is that everybody is different - we all value different things and live our lives accordingly. In my mind, living a colourful life/not settling down until later - or even ever - is a valid choice! And settling down/putting down roots quite early on is also a valid choice!

But now I’m genuinely curious as to others’ views on this…

Are you like me, and see both paths as valid choices (regardless of your preference)? Or do you have a strong view that one path in your 20s is better than the other for most people generally? If so, why is that?

What path did you follow? Was that best for you, and why? Or do you regret the path you took at all? Really interested!

FWIW, I haven’t lived a hugely colourful life (i.e travelling/partying), but didn’t settle down straight away (as in marriage/house/kids). I did these things in my early 30s. This was more due to finances/circumstances than anything! I’m quite a homebody and, had circumstances allowed, I would have perhaps settled down/put down roots a fair bit earlier!

I am 27, I bought a house with my partner at 25. I grew up on the breadline with a lot of financial instability, so it was really important that I got an asset. I also hate flat sharing, I like my personal space and privacy even with nice flat mates.

I am also a homebird, and have a medical condition so partying or intrepid round the world travel isn't all that possible. Irrespective of that I went clubbing in my university days, so already been there and done that.

We live in a cheap area, which means we still have a disposal income to fund 'living out our twenties' as we don't have crippling mortgage repayments. We have holidays, both short haul and long haul, I have girls weekends, eat at restaurants, play hobbies, go to the gym etc. I don't feel like I missed out at all.

Planning on starting a family in a year or so, when I have paid of my student loan, got a promotion and done a bit more travel.

Sorry for causing you to out yourself 😂

I have been pretty boring my whole life! It’s funny, because I read about your travels, thinking “wow, that’s amazing!”
but, a bit like your BIL, I know , deep down, I wouldn’t do so well going on extended travels.

I’ve always loved to see famous landmarks/tick a few places off the travel list but definitely not an “off-the-beaten-track” traveller! For example, my DH and I opted to tick off a few places via cruise ship in our 20s! We loved seeing new places but also retreating to the ship, with all its comforts! We got a few funny looks and “Oh! You’re young!” 😂 Clearly not the usual thing to do in your 20s!

Horses for courses.

I left home to go to uni in a great town. Then spent a lot of my 20s working abroad in various countries and generally travelling. I had no money behind me, but on the other hand no student debt (1990s).

I always knew I wanted to travel. I'd have been miserable otherwise. Not everybody feels like that, though.

I have a friend who married at 18, settled down and had kids. That would have been my nightmare. I had kids in my early 30s, and started envying the fact that my friend would be having more freedom in her 40s (when her kids would be grown up). But no... her kids started having their own kids in their teens, and she was a grandmother in her 40s who spent a lot of time looking after the grandkids. Limited job options. No end in sight. So I'm glad I had my fun and freedom early on. She seems contented, but it would do my head in to have had that life.

I do wonder how economic factors will affect those in their 20s today, and what choices they make. Student loans. Shitty job market. Even shittier housing market. The twentysomethings now don't necessarily have the same options that I did.

I lived a very fun, colourful life in my youth and early 20's, had FOMO before the term had even been coined. Absolutely zero regrets. On the other hand, i had a uni mate, a few years younger than me. Her main goal was to bag a man and get married. That was 100% her main priority. And she did! The world would be rather dull if we were all cut from the same cloth.

This is reductive. DH and I bought at 23, we’ve travelled to 40+ countries, worked abroad, worked in 4 industries, have lots of friends and hobbies, I volunteer, I’ve been to 6 of the 7 wonders of the world and can speak the basics of 5 languages. I have 3 degrees….

Buying property and being monogamous don’t mean you have to ‘work in a shop then be a SAHM’

There is no right or wrong way to do it, the important bit is not feeling regret.

I partied my way through younger life, lived abroad, but still got a PhD and a sensible career, bought my first house in my mid thirties, didn't marry but have a LT DP, no kids, lots of dogs. I spent every penny I earned until age 30 having a good time. Now I barely spend anything, it's all dumped into property or pension. I have no regrets. I enjoyed the adventure then, I enjoy the home life now.

I didn't have a sexually wild twenties - DH and I met at uni - but I travelled a lot, enjoyed living in a city, devoted myself to work I loved. The work asked a lot but I was able to give it, and I'm grateful for that. I definitely prioritized myself and I was really happy, and look back on that time fondly now we're occupied with young kids and work feels less rewarding and more stressful. I hope to have a period like that again in my late 50s/60s when the kids are grown.

Agree with other PPs that people "live for themselves" at different times. A close friend married right out of uni, bought close to parents' home, built a business, and I thought she'd properly settled.... Only for her to up and move abroad, and buy a wreck to do up, and live the ex pat life! (She's not planning kids which probably helps.)

I didn’t really want to do the partying in Thailand and travelling when I was young, I enjoyed my home comforts, plus I didn’t have the money despite my part time job as I had a car to run and earned nothing working as a student nurse. I did enough partying from age 16-21 so when I got married I felt done with the whole getting wasted/high and hangovers. I didn’t have kids straight away so there were still some nights like these. As I’ve got older and got more money I can afford to see new places (my cup of tea is Greek islands which are family friendly), and I can see myself in my 40s/50s with a group of girls who’s kids are older going to Thailand because I’m more worldly wise and have more money. Would I love to go in a 20 year olds body? Of course! But it would only be to attract other young men and that isn’t on my radar as I’m happily married with my husband and have never been one to enjoy sleeping around, but that’s because of my upbringing/morals. I can see why some people would find it fun though. Like others have said not settling down doesn’t mean you’re partying- my best friend has been with the same lad since her early 20s and not done much partying and she’s only just got her house age 30 with him. They’re not married and don’t have kids.

@Lomonald you don’t have to have a rich background to be able to have fun in your 20s. I grew up with nothing, we were really poor. But I qualified as a doctor at age 23, so was a junior doctor for most of my 20s. I worked very very hard (junior doctors regularly worked 100 hours a week in those days), and spent my leisure time partying. I got sensible and bought a house in my early 30s.

Either path is fine, it’s personal choice, but please don’t think that “fun in your 20s” is limited to people who have a “privileged life and fallbacks”.

I'm a bur confused on what you can't do if you're settled compared to "not settled". Mortagae is often around the same as rent so you'll have the same amount of money for fun stuff. You can leave your owned house to go on holiday the same as rental.
You can see your friends and party even if you live with someone. Sure, maybe you'll miss out on drunken one night stands, but propably people in a relationship are not the ones who want that. If you don't like the area, you can sell your house. If you break up, you can sell the house. i don't see how house ownership limits anything.

Life's drudgery has earned the moniker rat race for good reason: It's not to be admired. I am actively discouraging my DC - 22 and 24 - to delay getting tied down by responsibilities for as long as possible. Obviously, being Londoners a mortgage is out of the question until we pop our clogs and they inherit our house, but I also thinking they are going to have to be working until they are 70 so there's no rush to start a career. They should enjoy their freedom while they can. I hope the European youth mobility schemes happens soon and they can work abroad for a couple of years having a great time and mixing with different people from different cultures. Like any parent, I want the best for my kids and that focuses on their happiness and personal development. I was be hugely disappointed if they were saddled with a mortgage, spouse and child in their 20s.

I wonder what ia the overlap betweent he people who think you should "live" in your 20's and then blame those on their 30's for being too told to start a family and how you only have your self to blame for not being on the property ladder.

Or, alternatively, he’s never set foot outside the mental state of ‘five minutes from his parents’, has literally no idea that there’s a big world out there, and scared by the mere idea of voluntarily functioning in an alien culture in a language that isn’t your own because it’s ’not necessary’?

I think everyone should do what they want to do and shouldn’t be judged. Not everyone wants a colourful lifestyle and I think some people get quite judgy and rude if they “haven’t lived” - in their eyes. It’s all just perceptions from other people’s perceptions.

I don’t really compare myself to other people much

I lived it up and partied in my twenties, and bitterly regret it. A pp described me to a tee when they said that some people in their twenties look they're having the time of their lives, but they're really drifting aimlessly. I was with my now husband from age 22, but we didn't have children until 32, then suffered secondary infertility and miscarriages, had another one age 38, then no more children. I always wanted 3 children. I totally took on board the advice to enjoy your twenties, have children in your thirties, but in hindsight I really wasn't happy. I felt like I was searching for something, but travelling never seemed to help me find what it was. When I held my eldest DD In my arms for the first time, I realised what I'd been searching for all along. Having children has been by far the most enjoyable thing I've ever done in my life, much better than any travelling or parties I've ever been to.

I now tell my 2 DDs to get on with having children in their late twenties at the latest, if they're in a position to do so.

Absolutely this - having your family early is great.

If you have a child when you are 22, they will (likely) have left home by the time you are 42.
Then you have your best years in your 40's and 50's - with money, and the wisdom that comes with age and that allows you to enjoy yourself properly without making stupid mistakes and getting into difficulties.

I travelled on my late teens, worked for a charity abroad in one place for a few months etc
Met my now DH at 22, brought our first house together at 25, married at 28 and had our first child when I was 30.
I remember when we had a massive mortgage at 25 it was hard, we rented out a room, never went away and had to really watch our outgoings.
We are now in our 40’s and I can now work part time around our children, we have a small mortgage and a camper that we use all the time
I think the path I chose was right for
me, I’m a home body really and I love my house, it isn’t anything posh but it’s ours.
Friends of a similar age have either done very similar or travelled more in their 20’s. The ones who travelled more tend to have bigger mortgages, shared ownership houses or are renting, but they are also happy with the choices they made.

Not everyone is healthy in their 20s

I did it " back to front " as such. First child at 20, mortgage at 21. 2nd child at 23. 3rd art 32. I'm now 54

Mortgage was paid of when I was 46. Kids all independent. Spend at least 2 months each year travelling .

I think it's totally valid to have different aspirations. My BFF at school always liked calm, quiet things, she married her uni BF and spent her 20s being cosy and going camping with him (we had kids both at 31) which she loved.

I have always had a strong sense of seeing what is out there, even as a child I was desperate to leave my (imo bleak) town and experience everything I could. It wasnt even that I spent my 20s drinking, I just did these really wild and adventurous jobs/experiences/lived abroad and settled down late 20s. Even if I didnt have kids I wouldn't do those things now (I a. Dont have the energy/need sleep and b. These were "for the young" experiences), my mum would have hated my 20s as she loves predictability but I look back and smile at the crazy adventure.

Now im really boring and spend time googling coffee machines lol.

Also on the flip side im a bit jealous of the mums at youngest DC's school who had their kids older and still have loads of "baby" years left. One of DD's friend's parents was exclaiming she can't believe her eldest is nearly 6 and I realised my eldest will be looking at secondary schools before I blink 😭😭😭

But a spouse and children can be a brilliant source of fuel for personal development and happiness. You make it sound like it's the end of their lives rather than the beginning.

Nothing wrong with enjoying your fertility while you still can.

I kinda feel like if you think you need to live first befire having kids or in you feel like you should have kids young so you'll be able to enjoy life when they leave home, you shouldn't be having kids.

Most people don't buy a house and start a family in their early 20's but most people also don't go out to travel and move abroad to live in a surf shack either. Most people just live their basic boring lives, no matter the age or family status.

I came from a background where education and financial stability was the priority. So my 20s although eventful, was secondary to putting in the hard work and sacrifice.

Had my kids later in mid 30s and 40. BUT it means now that in our 40s we are highly skilled, financially secure and able to give our children so much and plan for their future. We are able to take it ‘easier’ now because the harder work was done earlier.

Personally for me, we are raising our kids the same. Hard work first and then you can relax and enjoy your efforts later. I have friends who had kids earlier but now in 40s trying to retrain/study and try get mortgages etc. They are not raising young kids though so there’s that.

I don’t think there’s a perfect way. Everyone has different circumstances.

I think both are valid paths to take as is a third path of never settle down. I recognise that only the privileged get to choose which path, most of us are shunted down one path or another due to circumstances beyond our control.

For myself, I had seen much of the world by the time I was a teenager as the daughter of a dad in the RAF. I was financially independent and living in a house share by 16. I joined the armed forces and went to Bosnia. So when I married at 20 (and a half) I was not some naive only lived in one town going from my parents house to a man’s house kind of woman. I had seen and done a lot by then. I was ready for a peaceful home life and to save up to buy a house, then have children and raise them.