“That’s what your 20s are for!”

[KookyHen]

So, I’ve just been on an AMA thread where the OP is talking about her two children who have been able to get onto the property ladder, with their respective partners, in their early 20s.

I’ve noticed a few responses along the lines of “I would never have wanted to do that” / “I was living a colourful life!” and “that’s what your 20s are for!”

My POV is that everybody is different - we all value different things and live our lives accordingly. In my mind, living a colourful life/not settling down until later - or even ever - is a valid choice! And settling down/putting down roots quite early on is also a valid choice!

But now I’m genuinely curious as to others’ views on this…

Are you like me, and see both paths as valid choices (regardless of your preference)? Or do you have a strong view that one path in your 20s is better than the other for most people generally? If so, why is that?

What path did you follow? Was that best for you, and why? Or do you regret the path you took at all? Really interested!

FWIW, I haven’t lived a hugely colourful life (i.e travelling/partying), but didn’t settle down straight away (as in marriage/house/kids). I did these things in my early 30s. This was more due to finances/circumstances than anything! I’m quite a homebody and, had circumstances allowed, I would have perhaps settled down/put down roots a fair bit earlier!

I’ve never understood why some life choices are treated as “finding yourself” while others are treated as somehow wasting your youth.

If someone spends their twenties travelling, dating, changing careers and living in shared houses, people say they’re gaining life experience. If someone spends their twenties getting married, buying a home and raising children, suddenly they’re told they settled too soon.

The irony is that many of the same people who bristle at being told they should have children are perfectly comfortable telling others they shouldn’t have married young, bought a house, or started a family.

There isn’t a correct way to spend your twenties. For some people, freedom looks like a backpack and a one-way ticket. For others, it looks like creating a home and building a family. Both are valid. Both involve sacrifices. Both teach you things you couldn’t learn any other way.

The whole point is choice. The moment we start deciding which life experiences count as “real” and which don’t, we’ve missed it entirely.

I became a parent in my twenties, I also temporarily moved to the US, travelled the world for 18 months as a trailing and happily kept spouse, played a sport professionally on a fulltime basis and drank far too much.

I wasn’t a home owner until I was 30, but owning a home doesn’t have to mean settling down. I have friends who bought in their early twenties, rented it out and went travelling.

Don’t see why you can’t do both.

i had kids and a mortgage at 23.

we took them to China when they were five, and have travelled around the world with them.

they’re adults now.

honestly, now that I’m older and I can see both paths there’s not much in it. I’m 48 and my kids are flown and I travel a lot independently whereas friends I was at uni with have an 8 year old and a 10 year old and are begging me to tell them it gets better.

unless you literally have hundreds of kids over thirty years you do get a child free part of life it’s just where it comes.

It depends on the options open to you. I would have loved to have travelled the world in my 20s after uni but I had zero funds to do so. Who would have paid? No one!

So I needed to work to support myself and needed somewhere to live. I bought a flat when I was 23 (in those days property was much cheaper and it made more financial sense than ranting). Not because I wanted to settle down but because I needed somewhere to live.

I imagine graduates have even less opportunity to spend money on travelling and partying these days as they have student debt and rising interest hanging over them.

In my 20s, I bought a house, a flat, another house, got married, divorced, married again. I had a miscarriage and then had my two DC. It was a busy decade!

There are things you have to do in your 20s simply because your mind is still malleable enough to soak in a wide range of experiences and have them shift who you are.
Yeah, you could travel the world, bedding down with random strangers, do drugs, take inappropriate jobs, make massive life U-turns in your 30s and 40s. But by yhat stage your sense of self has somewhat solidified and these experiences are layered underneath a kind of sharper eyed glaze.
Your 20s are a fairly magical time where a lot of boundaries are sort of misty, and things simultaneously hit harder and softer than they do in later decades.
Thats why your 20s are a special time that should be maximised

People just do things differently. One of my ds's doesn't want to buy yet, he's moving around chasing promotions and loves his holidays. My younger ds is buying his first home at 25 and hopes to retire young and I guess will do his travelling then. DD is only 21 and has already done US summer camp and travelling . Personally I didn't get a mortgage until in my thirties due to living abroad etc.

I partied quite enough at uni and the thought doesn’t appeal to me anymore.

I’m quite sure everyone expected me to focus on travel and a career after I graduated, and I’m sure I’d have enjoyed that.

However, I have a relatively minor medical condition that I thought may cause me to struggle carrying babies. I also knew several women struggling with infertility in their 30s. So in my head I thought I can either choose to start trying for a baby now to maximise my chances, and risk missing the chance to travel. Or, I could travel now and risk not being able to have children later. Having children is massively more important to me than travelling, so I chose the former. I’m sure others would view it differently, but there was just no way in my head that I could happily risk not being able to have children.

Happily, I have had three incredibly easy conceptions and trouble-free pregnancies so I didn’t need to worry, but I am glad I had children young(ish - I was 23 when I first got pregnant so not incredibly young). I will have plenty of money and opportunity to do whatever I fancy in my 30s and 40s. So I’m very pleased with my choices.

I did both. Bought a house aged 23, and did loads of travelling and lived abroad for a few years, rented house out

It would be financially impossible for my adult DC to do that now.

I did both. Moved from sleepy hometown to go to uni in London, bought my first London flat at 21 (it was only £42k!) was working in investment banking by 25 earning lots of money and having a blast. Married at 29 (to another investment banker) but didn’t have DC until I was 34 - we were too busy working, going on fancy holidays and generally enjoying London life. I’m 51 now, still working in IB, financially secure and will probably retire once DC are through uni when I’m 57. I’m pretty content with the choices I’ve made.

I’m mid 20s woth children and currently buying. My first house will be a very nice 3-bed house down south. I don’t care if it’s boring- Im excited to fill it with more children and pets, and plan holidays and life events and build a happy stable life for us.

I’ve never felt the need to criticise others who spend their money freely, party, travel and don’t settle down. That sounds great, too. I hope my own children do whatever makes them happy.

Always the case of MN that people criticise the former and I don’t really understand why. You can commitments in life and still have fun. Yet anyone who doesn’t follow the status quo is looked down on with pity. Let people be happy, sheesh.

I also wonder about the overlap with people in their 30s now complaining about high mortgage and childcare costs, not being able to afford big days out etc.

I was married at 23 with a house and a mortgage. We spend our 20s and 30s travelling, climbing the housing ladder, partying with friends. By the time kids came along in our 40s we had done most of what we wanted to and were financially secure enough to manage the costs associated with 2 kids, able to work more flexibly because our careers were well established and were generally content with our earlier choices.

I find it depressing when people on here say “I want to live my life/travel/have fun before having children”, as though they just accept that their lives will be dull after having children.

I would love to see the results of a long term study as to whether having a fun 20s means you are at less risk of having a mid-life crisis, versus settling down early. I remember a study that showed happiness naturally decreases in mid-life for both humans and monkeys! But picks up for both around 60. So mid-life crisis might be hard wired. But as someone who didn't start doing all the grown up things til my 30s I do think I may be more comfortablr with my quieter mid-life than some of my friends are.

I settled down at 21 and I'm very pleased I did. I still had some amazing holidays and experiences with DH and with friends. I also had independence, peace and stability. I partied very, very hard in my late teens. That was enough for me. I was ready for less chaos and more routine and stability.
Both paths are valid. We are all individuals. I'd be very proud of my DC if they had their life partner and a mortgage in their early 20s. I'd also be very proud if they were single and traveling the world.

Having fun holidays is not remotely similar to that feeling of stepping out and being completely untethered

I bought a 3 bed semi when I was 25 but that was 32 years ago when it was much easier.

I still live in it now and the value has gone from 57k to 460k so I will never regret it.

But as an aside, it didn't mean I had to settle down and it certainly didn't stop me from living a colourful life!

Partied young and settled down later into a comfortable career and life.
Couldn't imagine doing it in reverse - if only for the fact there hasn't been enough energy in the tank for three day raves since I passed 40.

People need to do what they want to do. Now that we are living longer, working longer, there isn't the same pressure to "settle down" in one's twenties as there was fifty years ago. That said, it doesn't mean it's obligatory to go wild. For the person who does want to settle down, there's no point in backpacking round Asia/working for peanuts with no health and safety in a Peruvian hostel.

If you do want to cut loose though, better to do it young.

Telling yourself you'll wait until your kids grow up is a bit of a gamble. What if your health's not so great by then? Even if you're ok, your parents - if they're still alive - very likely won't be. Your kids might have kids young and need your support. How much would you really enjoy your crazy time out knowing that people you have ties to and could help, are struggling?

What would describe as a mid life crisis though?

I think it's a combination of the sadness of letting go of childhood dreams ("guess I'll never be an actress now"), and the limiting of lots of possibilities i.e. we can't just upsticks and travel round the world, the kids are coming up to GCSEs and the mortage needs paid. Thw daily grind can be monotonous and exhausting, and that might result in people making a radical and irrational decision. In the past it might have been the motorbike, but now I would guess we see it more in sudden divorces or career changes.

I feel like it is one fo those things thay jo matter what, you're doing it wrong and no matter the circumstances you only have yourself to blame 😅

And what is considered "having fun"?

I suspect the 20 somethings who can spend their time living it up are privileged to not need to worry about money.

None of my DCs could afford to indulge in an extended adolescence. Here in the US you have to repay your university loans beginning six months after graduation regardless of whether you have a job or not - my DCs made sure they had the first jobs on their career paths lined up before they graduated, or they had secured postgraduate places.

They have been able to see the world once they became financially secure.

I think women in particular need to consider very carefully the impact of maternity leave on their careers and income over a lifetime, and either have their babies in their late teens, followed by university/ career, or chance it later (mid 30s, which is a risky idea). Women are faced with biological reality to a much greater extent than men are, and women also face financial realities tied to biology that men do not face. I think it's very important to pursue life from age 16 on with deliberation and discipline.

I’m very much of the you do you mentally. No one can tell anyone what they should be doing.

There was a colleague who was very narrow minded. I was a professional and she was a support staff. Thought you should be partying and drinking 15-20 then settle down and have babies or be dating. She couldn’t understand why other people didn’t do this. I think back to it now and shudder. All her kids had babies under 25. Me and the other person she used to ridicule? successful in our careers, happy and stable relationships and beautiful homes and travel extensively. Although this was the same person who refused to take her family on holiday as she was a size 14 and she was jealous of her size 8 15 year old daughter so she said they couldn’t go on holiday until she lost weight.

people are quite mad.