16 year old son will not speak to me in any meaningful way for months at a time

[Shashasha2]

Im pretty sure this is not normal. For context his dad and I have a shared care arrangement which has been 50 50 for the past decade - not my choice.

In the last year, while he socialises with friends, talks with his dad, is fairly chatty with teachers they tell me - he will not engage in any conversation with me whatsoever. I can't over explain myself here and say - oh but im always kind and loving towards him, I'm 100 per cent there for him, he comes first in my life etc etc . We had a family lunch for his birthday a few months ago which was lovely , but really we just played Uno all the way thru and didn't talk about anything. For context I met and gradually introduced their now step dad about 8 years ago. Dh is only supportive and kind to ds and his little sister - who is also under shared care arrangement with their dad - adores ds. No other siblings.

When I think back on all the dinner times etc while there are no arguments there is also no conversation from him at all - polite smiles, he cracks a few jokes then says he has to go and revise and do coursework. Then he disappears into his room and we don't see him at all. I try going in , I try suggesting nice things to do on the weekends , I try taking him snacks and drinks while he's been revising - and he told me recently that he wanted me to stop any attempts like this as he hates it, and he feels incredibly irritated by the sight of me. I've looked back and he has barely told me the names of his friends, only on sufference, I know nothing about any of his GCSE subjects or what he thinks about them, we haven't had a conversation about politics, current affairs for years. On pain of no allowance and being grounded he has life 360 on as otherwise he would never He has never tolerated any discussion about feelings or things are in the context of the 2 homes. If I text or call him he never, ever replies and has mocked me for texting him when he never responds.

With his step dad he will watch the football or get a nandos and will tolerate being alongside him, but again will not really talk to him, ever. Will accept a hug now and then.

He hasn't let me come to watch school matches for a year now. We were very close I thought till he was about 14 and then I guess puberty hit, but this seems quite extreme and he appears to be functioning ok in all aspects of his life with the exception of any meaningful communication with me or dh. The only times he seems to really speak to me are the 3 or 4 times in the last year when he has told me in no uncertain terms that whatever I'm doing - eg trying to chat, offering to have friends round - is completely unwanted and he absolutely wants it to stop.

What is happening here this isn't normal is it?

It sounds normal to me. Mum's are embarrassing when you are a teenager. The harder you try, the more cringe it feels to the teenager.

Puberty!

I work in a secondary school and this is quite normal with boys. In fact if he is studying and keeping up with homework etc... you're doing well!

I have a 15 year old and he hates discussing stuff about life. We sit and watch stuff on Netflix together and do sports together but he is no longer one for talking. He speaks to teachers. He was sociable on work experience. He even chatted to my best mate for an hour when he had to go pick his little brother up!

He will grow out of it.

While I think teenagers retreat this does sound worrying to me. Have you considered family therapy? How is he with his dad?

It's not normal, it's extreme. I have a teenage boy who wouldn't choose to spend time with me out of all available options but he will speak to me when he fancies it and he's not rude and rejecting. Given that he sounds similar with his dad I don't think it's about you. He sounds deeply avoidant and unhappy. Was the relationship with his father abusive? Did you communicate well over the children since you split?

My DD loathed me at that age and wouldn’t even sit at the dinner table. Fast forward 10 years and she’s so adoring of me, always wanting to meet up etc. I know it sounds simplistic but this is what teenage years are like as they reject the main parent to become independent. You sound like you’re managing it better than most people do tbh.

Sounds developmental. This could be part of the natural stage where kids pull away in preparation for leaving home. Normal to find parents irritating to some extent and want space, independence etc. Have you tried completely backing off so he can reconnect when he’s ready.

important you stop being needy (which is pushing him away) and instead have a ‘im here when you need me’ attitude. When you do connect have a laugh, have fun, be silly. Do not demand his friends names or detailed exam experience, he will offer info when ready

Think is is very extreme and not normal teenage behaviour. It must be very upsetting to you. I’m sure there’s a reason for it, sounds like he has some underlying issues with you. You can and try and get to the bottom of what they are but someone else will need to try and get it out of them.
i disagree with the above poster to some extent, mums are embarrassing in public sometimes but you can have a normal relationship behind closed doors

My Ds said little except ‘fine’ to me (as in the answer to how was your day / how are you feeling / how is your significant injury healing / how was the party) for about 3 or 4 years. A good lad, high achieving, polite, helpful, considerate, strong friendships.

Now as a young adult we have complex conversations about politics, art, cooking etc. Less so about emotional topics, but then I didn’t with my parents, either.

I don't think it's normal. As cringe as mums might be, it's not an excuse which allows a teen to be rude and hurtful which this ultimately is. Have you told him his behaviour and attitude towards you is unacceptable and won't be tolerated?

I'd be tempted to tell him the door is that way if it's so horrible being in this house. He's 16 - there are consequences to being rude.

As the mother of two sons, this sounds pretty normal to me. He’s trying to assert his independence. Step back a little bit and see if things improve.

That's extreme. I know teens can be difficult but I've not come across any like this.

Is he living with you under duress?

Is his Dad dripping poison in his ear? Have you discussed it with his Dad?

You need to back off and leave him be . He will
cone back eventually.
thetes nothing wrong with him / he is engaging in other areas of life . It’s perfectly normal to want distance from your mum at this age . He wants to grow up and maybe feels that you are stifling rhat.

How do you know he ‘talks with his dad’?
Maybe he has a similar relationship with him that he does you.

A level of this is normal but it does sound a bit more than many teens do,

often puberty is when kids living between two households struggle a bit more than others.

going from experience with other teens in this situation, he won’t feel like either house is really his home. He may as a result feel quite lost and lonely.

in some ways it would be more healthy if he was having rows with you

It’s quite normal really. I’d get minimal conversation while they engaged with their dad (my ex) when I put all the work in. It did used to hurt. But it was just a phase. When my son visits from uni we never stop chatting. Real, proper conversations. We go out for lunch and natter and watch tv shows together. It just had to run its course.

There was a particular time when youngest became quite hostile to me (at 16). It turned out he was missing his brother who had left for uni. He just didn’t know how to healthily express his feelings. Once out in the open things vastly improved.

What @LoftyCoralBird said
my DS actually didn’t talk to me at all for three years.
he’s a lovely young man now and we get in well, albeit with a certain amount of emotional distance.

I’d say not normal.

Neither of my DCs were like this as teens unless they were feeling upset about something and they’d eat in silence and go to their rooms. That wasn’t the norm and would only be for the odd night if they had a bad day at school for example .
Dd was more like this than DS - stroppy but still communicative for the main.

I certainly knew about friends/issues/exams etc.
im sure I got in their nerves sometimes and still do in their 20s, but they are both very chatty and have always come to me many of their problems. Sometimes a bit TMI.

Hopefully your DS will come out of this phase in time. It doesn’t sound like he’s very happy w the family set up.

Pretty normal stroppy teenager. It’ll pass. However, you can insist that he’s polite.

Isn't it interesting that the answers are so polarised? It's either 'completely normal' or 'really strange.'

I have to say that i had one son who didn't speak to me much at all from the age of about 13 and one son who would do nothing but talk and tell me all his problems and interpersonal reactions until he left home for Uni,

So I would say it's down to the personality of the child involved and if you ride it out with humour and take what contact they give you with good grace, it sorts itself out once they've got through the teenage years.

Basically, don't panic.

My son was like this from 14-16. Thankfully me and my husband (his dad) could pull together and his dad really had to step up and do the parenting stuff I would normally have done.

I listened to a podcast where a child psychotherapist described a phase she went through as a teen where her mum didn't know what to do and once opened her door and threw a marsbar at her as a way of saying she didn't know what to do but was still there and still cared.
I did a lot of the equivalent of that marsbar throwing, which at the time felt futile.

His extreme independence was scary because really he was floundering .

At 18, he has a job and chats away, asks for advice, help etc..
It was extreme but it needed calm and consistency and it was thankfully a phase.

I think some things are normal - spending most time in his room, not wanting to discuss feelings, pulling away etc. But some things are not so normal - never replying to texts and then mocking you for it for example. Most teens will be nice sometimes / when they want something. There is no reason for him to be rude. If he doesn't want friends around when you've offered he can say no thanks.

I think I'd try giving him some space, letting him lead with the level of closeness / conversation that he wants, as it does sound like you are perhaps putting too much pressure on and he can sense that. I would try and not force it for a bit. But I would make clear that rudeness would not be tolerated. If for example I'd texted him to check when he was back so I could make plans for when to eat dinner, I'd expect a reply (if he isn't replying to just general conversational/ chatty texts, I'd stop them for thr time being).

There is no rrason for him to be unkind - if he diesnt want snaxks or drinks he could have said that can you please stop bringing them to him because he can get them himself. Yes a lot of teens are irritated at the sight of their parents but it's unkind to say to them. Although maybe it does sound like he is a bit exasperated that you're trying to force a relationship on him that he doesn't want at the moment?

Do you still have a good relationship with his dad, amd would he be able to speak to him about how he treats you and tell him to be more respectful?

Can you take the Life 360 off? Do you really need it? I would have hated that as a teen.

I would say this is at the extreme end of normal for a teenage boy. But it wouldn’t be surprising if he was unhappy about being having to live in two homes, with all the divided loyalties that go along with that. Like many teenagers, he probably doesn’t know how to express his feelings appropriately (that is a life skill that we -hopefully - as we mature), so is keeping schtum for now.

Agree with this. If he does hate it, then you could offer to take it off if he behaved like a normal person and responded to texts that need an answer? There’s obviously a huge spectrum of ‘normal’ teenage behaviour but I think refusing to answer any texts and then mocking you for it is somewhere you should draw a line.

I think this is extreme. He said he can’t stand the sight of you. I was like this with my mum but I was angry about living with a step parent, my parents being divorced. How does he feel about it all?