16 year old son will not speak to me in any meaningful way for months at a time

[Shashasha2]

Im pretty sure this is not normal. For context his dad and I have a shared care arrangement which has been 50 50 for the past decade - not my choice.

In the last year, while he socialises with friends, talks with his dad, is fairly chatty with teachers they tell me - he will not engage in any conversation with me whatsoever. I can't over explain myself here and say - oh but im always kind and loving towards him, I'm 100 per cent there for him, he comes first in my life etc etc . We had a family lunch for his birthday a few months ago which was lovely , but really we just played Uno all the way thru and didn't talk about anything. For context I met and gradually introduced their now step dad about 8 years ago. Dh is only supportive and kind to ds and his little sister - who is also under shared care arrangement with their dad - adores ds. No other siblings.

When I think back on all the dinner times etc while there are no arguments there is also no conversation from him at all - polite smiles, he cracks a few jokes then says he has to go and revise and do coursework. Then he disappears into his room and we don't see him at all. I try going in , I try suggesting nice things to do on the weekends , I try taking him snacks and drinks while he's been revising - and he told me recently that he wanted me to stop any attempts like this as he hates it, and he feels incredibly irritated by the sight of me. I've looked back and he has barely told me the names of his friends, only on sufference, I know nothing about any of his GCSE subjects or what he thinks about them, we haven't had a conversation about politics, current affairs for years. On pain of no allowance and being grounded he has life 360 on as otherwise he would never He has never tolerated any discussion about feelings or things are in the context of the 2 homes. If I text or call him he never, ever replies and has mocked me for texting him when he never responds.

With his step dad he will watch the football or get a nandos and will tolerate being alongside him, but again will not really talk to him, ever. Will accept a hug now and then.

He hasn't let me come to watch school matches for a year now. We were very close I thought till he was about 14 and then I guess puberty hit, but this seems quite extreme and he appears to be functioning ok in all aspects of his life with the exception of any meaningful communication with me or dh. The only times he seems to really speak to me are the 3 or 4 times in the last year when he has told me in no uncertain terms that whatever I'm doing - eg trying to chat, offering to have friends round - is completely unwanted and he absolutely wants it to stop.

What is happening here this isn't normal is it?

That is very true. Also on the assessment by the psychologist - she used a trauma screener to see if he would be suitable for full assessment and she said he scored in the lowest ranges on his self report from any injury

I’m in the ‘extreme end of normal’ camp - ds disappeared really between 16 and… well he’s still really hard to get much out of and he’s 22 😳 you end up clinging to lifelines like the Uno. Ds can sometimes be grumpy, but not rude and usually just silent. He will transform completely if his girlfriend is staying so I am always desperate to have her over 😬

If he is nice to and does things with his sister that’s great. He’s studying, has a relationship with both you and his dad, that’s good. Yes, take the 360 off and tell him you were feeling desperate because he wouldn’t answer any messages. Maybe make a deal that he will respond to one message per week just so you know he’s alive - even if it’s just an emoji. And then do your best not to overload him. For a while ds only responded to messages about our cats tbh. Do you have a pet?

He was 14 when it happened and she didn't suggest any follow up therapy

We have a pet - he has no interest! No interest in anything at our house at all, actually

I don’t think young people are inevitably traumatised by things like that. They’re young, they’re not as haunted by possible losses as we oldies are.

I would just say it can be trauma (with a small t) rather than PTSD. The effects may be less obvious. At the precise time when his parents were moving to live apart, there was a freak accident/near miss that could have been fatal or life changing. There was a degree of carelessness or complacency (not sure on whose part - maybe dad, maybe a third party, possibly both). No one was accountable for this and the law focuses on harm that was done, physically or psychologically - none was identified. That raises a lot about how safe he is in the world and his security. All of this may be completely outside of his awareness. Does any of this resonate at all?

He would never do the activity again, thinking about it . I don't know if between that, the ski trip and the house move it was a definitive end to what he saw as his childhood? And then coincided with full onset of puberty. I don't know. But he went from telling me he loved me every day and sitting with me on the sofa every eve, going shopping together and playing tennis things like that, to a version of what we have now

My DS - an absolute ANGEL normally- between 15-17… sheesh! A nightmare

ita hormones and testosterone

I took him to boxing club, which he LOVED and it really helped him.

from 18 onwards he was back to normal self- phew!

school is AWFUL at this age, I don’t know why they do this, but the teachers all treat them like they’re still 10/11, it’s pointless and infuriating

when they get to college, they’re treated with more respect and expected to be more responsible and they often rise to the challenge

at 14/15, they want more freedom than they’re really ready for, and more than we’re brave enough to give.

my advice is to trust him as much as you can, keep reminding him that you love him - demonstrated over worded if that’s what he’s receptive to, but keep going, keep the faith.

remind him that you’re interested in his life etc and you’re there whenever he’s ready to talk to you.

Yes that is a very insightful and thought provoking post. It does resonate yes. Wish I could keep him safe and happy forever of course but this is clearly a lesson in development and separation for me I think

Does anyone know why @Mysaturdaynow s posts have been removed? I thought they were fine?

@Shashasha2 no idea why those posts were removed. I don't think the poster said anything contentious

I would say this is extreme. My teen DS definitely does the monosyllabic grunting and not wanting to have long conversations but he is not rude like that most of the time. This sounds like a deliberate freeze-out.

I would consider family therapy but if he is this antagonistic he will likely be resistant to it.

There is delayed PTSD, that can show up long after the event and it's quite common in my experience. But usually it shows up with everyone and this seems specific towards you.

He's changed in his daily interactions with you, is he different with anyone else?Is he hyper alert or startle easily? If he's having any symptoms of anything going on like nightmares, he's unlikely to tell you. You showing up when he didn't want you at the hospital, that could possibly be an association for him. He also had multiple stressful events around then. His world has changed.

I would say let him make some boundaries with you about going into his room and offering him stuff and contacting him on his dad's custody time. Give him space. I think it's a good idea to drop the tracking app.

I would see about getting him reassessed to rule out delayed PTSD because you've noted a significant behavioural change towards yourself since all that happened.

Sounds like a normal teen to me. I had a good few years of purely grunts and eye rolls with my DS. He ‘s lovely and chatty and clearly adores me now he’s an adult. Stop trying so hard, I think. He’ll come back to you.

She’s a notorious banned poster that makes dozens of new accounts every week. Sometimes she’s fine, but most of the time she is unhinged and harasses OPs relentlessly with nonsense that she’s made up. When her newest account gets banned the mods usually mass delete all the posts she made because they’re often so batshit that they derail the entire thread if people can still see them.

Does he blame you for the separation?

I genuinely don't know. He has never remotely implied this at any point . He once told me he got over the divorce when he was 'about 9'. I think he knows that the household is better being two houses but I don't imagine it's been easy on him.

Yes he is in the thick of it and yes there are plans - we have a holiday booked and he has a festival he is looking forward to

Some aspects of your son’s behaviour sound familiar to me, from my own sons. It is obviously hurtful and makes you worry that this is how your future relationship will be with him. I wonder did something happen on the ski trip, some thing with friends or boyfriend/girlfriend that was upsetting? I agree with others that your best bet is to stay calm and try not to push him further away with needy behaviour. I tended to have better connection with my teenage sons in the school holidays, when they were just happier in general, also on the odd family walk, also like someone else has said, when I was driving them somewhere and we weren’t looking at each other.
We also would tend to bond over the shared work of keep the house running- I did always ask them to pull their weight and help out with the odd bit of cooking, cleaning and laundry and popping to the shops- is your ds helping out at home, does he have much responsibility and independence, I think this would help him to feel more adult and be more appreciative of what you do for him. If you always have everything ‘ready’ for him when he comes to you, he will not appreciate what he doesn’t see ie the work you put in, and will perhaps feel infantilised, if only subconsciously.
The thing about you popping in and out to him offering snacks makes me feel guilty- my mum used to do that, and I was also irritated by stuff like that. Try not to fuss over him. When you are trying to talk and connect, make it more about you than him. Mention stuff about your world, friends, outings, work, keep it light and breezy, rather than enquiring about his world as he seems to find this intrusive. I think he is actually being mean and childish- it does sound like he is sitting in judgement over you and ‘not speaking’ to you, and won’t tell you why. Perhaps if you just don’t overreact to it all, it will pass and he will realise he’s not being very nice.

Also i made the fairly childish discovery quite late in life that if someone was acting a certain way to me, if i just acted that way right back to them, it often made them see how daft their own behavior was and would nip it in the bud. I would be genuinely tempted to sit through a dinner with your family whilst not looking or talking to your son at all. Obviously that’s a terrible idea. (I would do it though)