16 year old son will not speak to me in any meaningful way for months at a time

[Shashasha2]

Im pretty sure this is not normal. For context his dad and I have a shared care arrangement which has been 50 50 for the past decade - not my choice.

In the last year, while he socialises with friends, talks with his dad, is fairly chatty with teachers they tell me - he will not engage in any conversation with me whatsoever. I can't over explain myself here and say - oh but im always kind and loving towards him, I'm 100 per cent there for him, he comes first in my life etc etc . We had a family lunch for his birthday a few months ago which was lovely , but really we just played Uno all the way thru and didn't talk about anything. For context I met and gradually introduced their now step dad about 8 years ago. Dh is only supportive and kind to ds and his little sister - who is also under shared care arrangement with their dad - adores ds. No other siblings.

When I think back on all the dinner times etc while there are no arguments there is also no conversation from him at all - polite smiles, he cracks a few jokes then says he has to go and revise and do coursework. Then he disappears into his room and we don't see him at all. I try going in , I try suggesting nice things to do on the weekends , I try taking him snacks and drinks while he's been revising - and he told me recently that he wanted me to stop any attempts like this as he hates it, and he feels incredibly irritated by the sight of me. I've looked back and he has barely told me the names of his friends, only on sufference, I know nothing about any of his GCSE subjects or what he thinks about them, we haven't had a conversation about politics, current affairs for years. On pain of no allowance and being grounded he has life 360 on as otherwise he would never He has never tolerated any discussion about feelings or things are in the context of the 2 homes. If I text or call him he never, ever replies and has mocked me for texting him when he never responds.

With his step dad he will watch the football or get a nandos and will tolerate being alongside him, but again will not really talk to him, ever. Will accept a hug now and then.

He hasn't let me come to watch school matches for a year now. We were very close I thought till he was about 14 and then I guess puberty hit, but this seems quite extreme and he appears to be functioning ok in all aspects of his life with the exception of any meaningful communication with me or dh. The only times he seems to really speak to me are the 3 or 4 times in the last year when he has told me in no uncertain terms that whatever I'm doing - eg trying to chat, offering to have friends round - is completely unwanted and he absolutely wants it to stop.

What is happening here this isn't normal is it?

Whether its normal or not, there's no need for him to be downright rude to you- telling you that the sight of you irritates him is not on!
He's still under your roof,and I presume you're still doing his washing, cooking and cleaning, so he needs to be a bit more respectful towards you.
A firm " Hey! I don't know what your issue is with me at the moment and you're not willing to tell me. But I don't speak to you like it so don't speak to me like it! "

Just leave him be. Also the Life 360 thing, would you have liked your mum tracking your every moment? Remove that as well. Back off and things will improve. Been there and it works.

It's not normal. It's quite extreme. OP you know he is being influenced by his abusive father. Have you talked to school? I would raise concerns there and ask if they can offer him any support. He would have to agree to this and if he knows it was your request he will say no. But it would be wise for him to speak to a neutral third party. He's clearly having poison dripped in his ear. It must be incredibly hurtful to you and it goes well beyond normal teenager behaviour. I would say He's probably being groomed to cut you completely out of his life when he's 18 and the court order ends. It's terribly abusive for him as well as for you. Let me guess, did you leave your abusive ex?

This is a relief to hear as my DD often seems to loathe the sight of me and can't wait to leave the table.

I have a 15 year old DS and much of this resonates for me (in huge contrast to his older sister who talks to me like a normal person)

He spends a lot of time in his room (which is a pit so I have to nag him about basic hygiene)
He tolerates only very minimal discussion with me (or his dad or sister) about anything
He hates me to ask how his school work is going and certainly doesn’t want any help at all which DD used to
He never ever replies to any text or WhatsApp that I send him and he switches his location off. It doesn’t seem to be for any dodgy reason as he’s usually at home. I think it’s a point of principle somehow.

Things he does like to engage a bit on:
His favourite foods. He appreciates me buying them or making something he likes and will even join in on cooking if he likes it enough
His shared interests with DH; Lego, Sci fi movies and books, Manga, Samurai and all things Japan, comics generally. They do stuff together like that but he knows I’d be faking if I said I was into any of it
He will watch some TV shows (weirdly QI) and movies with us

I do draw the line at active rudeness. I pull him up on being rude and sarcastic to me which he tries sometimes. I tell him that however irritating I am
basic politeness is a bottom line. I also expect a small contribution to the household which he knows and will grumpily go along with ie loading/ unloading dishwasher, feeding dog, setting and clearing the table. He knows how to do more than that but I have not succeeded in getting him to do his own washing or cleaning his room which DD used to do at his age. He will just leave it and put dirty stuff on so I end up giving in.

I just hope to hang on in there. DH said he was the same at that age and he’s lovely now!

I’d be tempted to let him
go and live with his Dad full
time. He might realise he misses you then!

I think it’s relatively normal.
He needs to stop being actively rude, though.
Turn off the Life 360. That’s intrusive.
And if he’s at his dad’s, I wouldn’t expect him to answer calls or texts or WhatsApps either. Depends what you are calling about.

It's beyond normal, and no doubt directly linked to the upheavals in his life. That seems fairly obvious to me.
You can't rewind and undo that, so I guess you've just got to be there for him, and be his quiet support, even if he resents it or isn't aware of it.

I think this is extreme behaviour. He's okay with his sibling and dad, you're the focus. He's obviously unhappy living at your house with his stepdad.

You track him to the point he loses allowance and gets grounded if he turns it off. What's the reason for that? That's controlling behaviour on your part. You intrude on him when he's in his room, you try to contact him when he's at his dad's, you're pushing really hard. He is at the age where you should be giving him a bit of freedom.

I've looked back and he has barely told me the names of his friends, only on sufference, I know nothing about any of his GCSE subjects or what he thinks about them, we haven't had a conversation about politics, current affairs for years. On pain of no allowance and being grounded he has life 360 on as otherwise he would never He has never tolerated any discussion about feelings or things are in the context of the 2 homes. If I text or call him he never, ever replies and has mocked me for texting him when he never responds.

It sounds like this has actually been building for years and it's gotten more extreme in the past year. What do you think would happen if you relaxed the Life 360 and stayed out of his space and stopped texting when he's at his dad's?

Do you think your ex could be telling him bad things about you and engaging in parental alienation?

No it doesn’t. Pulling away from parents is normal, being nasty, uncommunicative about anything in life and cutting off all of your family members from conversation isn’t normal. It’s extreme and nasty behaviour.

My ds isn’t overly chatty in fact most people would assume he is mute. But it does sound like your ds is rather mad about something.

He has his moments of never shutting up but at other times you can at least get a grumpy response. It is people based with him though.

For example he won’t talk to his aunt or her children at all. He will barely respond to aunts husband however. He will talk my mums ear off if you get on topic. He will answer if he feels he must my mil. The hairdresser, mute again. School always said he was the quiet child at the back who just did their work and that they would like him to talk more.

Doesn't sound normal to me at all (DM of two teen boys, one older and one younger than yours). My boys are happy to talk to me about stuff, although there is a fair amount of grunting and if they want to keep something private, they do and I don't push.

But I don't force them to have a spying app on their phones with the threat of withdrawing their allowance if not. Why do you insist on this? I think it's an appalling invasion of a DC's privacy and can only see justification if you are very worried about what that DC is up to (i.e. you know or are concerned they are taking drugs, involved with gangs, etc).

No words of wisdom but your post is just so sad.
My eldest is a little younger than yours but it does sound quite extreme.
Do you think it’s because he’d rather have one place as home rather than switching between two houses and he feels more comfortable at his Dads?
My eldest tells me fairly regularly that I’m annoying and he shuts himself away a fair amount. I can’t remember the last time I had a hug, although when I see him in the morning I always ask him if he’d like one, which usually results him grinning at me and telling me he’ll have to get a restraining order against me 😂
On the other hand he’ll bring home a random flower he’s picked and crumpled into a pocket because it’s a colour I like, occasionally I’ll get the offer of a cup a tea and a nudge with an elbow if he’s close by so I know he does in fact like that fact I’m here….
Are you on good enough terms with his Dad to have a chat with him about your concerns/how he behaves at yours and see if he can get to the bottom of what’s going on.
Sending a hug, your situation sounds really tough.

I am in a very similar situation with my son, aged 17. He's been like it for about a year or more and it's heartbreaking. I've been so worried, as he used to be so loving and affectionate towards me, but like your son he seems to reject me entirely now. I have no advice as I'm still going through it a bit. I've informed his school so they can keep an eye on him for MH support discreetly. I did set a boundary a few weeks back saying at minimum he must NOT BE RUDE and respond with basic respect when I make polite chat and not deliberately blank me. It's so hard!

Before he became so uncommunicative,
did you (or his stepdad) do anything to break his trust, OP?
Did you tell him off when he confided something?

Did you share his personal info with anyone?
Did you tell him that if he did something or chose something, that would be utterly unacceptable?

Do you have strong beliefs you've communicated to him that might be opposites of what he wants or would like?

.....
Another possibility is he saw you & your H having sex. that could make a young man think yuck for a year, too.

Would not put up with this. Either, he needs to be respectful or live with father full time.

Ah OP you have my sympathy teenage boys are bloody hard work. Only about a week ago I let all hell loose with mine. I was sick of being treated like a bloody inconvenience that he had to deal with. Told him two can play that game so if I am so annoying don’t be coming looking for anything. The clash of the Meno hormones and teen hormones collided. The only reason I work as hard as I do is for my kids to provide for them. It grinds my gears when they are ungrateful.
There has been an improvement in behaviour since. Could you call him out on it. Respectfully I do think if you push him too hard he probably has a plan B - he can go and live with his Dad, so it can be harder to give them a good telling off. I had a friend who actually lost her son to her ex just because she was trying to be a decent parent.

firstly, well done for caring enough to seek advice at to whether this is normal. You clearly love your son.
I have three boys, the eldest and I were always very close and remain so, but as a teenager he very much compartmentalised his life, he would rather go to see friends than bring friends round etc. He is now 30 and very happy to have me involved in his life, talks to me openly but only when he is ready. My second son and I have also always been very close and talked about literally everything, even cringeworthy chat :)) We still do.
My youngest and I were also incredibly close but from about age 15 he distanced himself emotionally. We still get on, and do spend a little time together but not as much as I would like. It always feel like he begrudges spending time with me, and he definitely doesn’t do emotional talk. He can also be very harsh with his words. He is 17 now and when I tried to talk to him, he said that he just doesn’t need me in the same way anymore, which is hard to hear but I also know it prepares them for their future. So all three had the same parenting but their own personalities and life experiences also play a huge part. 17 is almost adulthood and I wouldn’t want someone keep chasing me for my time etc. I try to tell myself that.
You say your son gets on well at school etc, do you have any other concerns? Is your son secretive, does he allow you to tidy his room etc? If you are content that he is fine in every other way, then maybe consider just sending him a text explaining you understand that he is maturing, doing well in his life, but that you just miss spending some quality time with him, and you are sorry if that comes across as being overbearing. In your mind you just want to show him that you care and are trying to find the best way to do that. Tell him that you will be there for him whenever he wants or needs you, but also say that his choice of words are very hurtful, and you cannot see what it is you have done to warrant any of that. Ask him to tell you, or write it down…sometimes they find that easier.
Big hugs for this tricky time x

Are he and your husband clashing in any way or is your son avoiding your husband?

This is typically an age where not only are they distancing from mom, but there can be some underlying territoriality with unrelated men like a stepfather and stepson in the home.

It’s so hard OP! My 16 Year old DS finally made me cry this morning! He is the middle of GCSEs but has been grumpy for months. And I haven’t wanted to challenge him as I know he’s stressed. But he had a go at me about not washing his socks (I had) and losing his timetable (I hadn’t) it’s endless- like an emotional punchbag.

DH says it’s because he feels safe to take the stress out on me.

Anyway, as you’ll see on here you bet the ranges of responses but plenty saying it’s normal. Even if it’s al the slightly more extreme end of normal.

I’d leave him be for now. For what it’s worth my eldest turned lovely again at 17.

It

This is at the extreme end and frankly a but disrespectful, mocking you is not on.

Take a huge step back, I wouldn't be feeling generous with money or lifts but let him know you will be a responsible parent and he is welcome to ask for help or advice but that you will no longer give him headspace without a prompt.

Is he taking part in red pill SM?

I'm sorry, but that really isn't normal behaviour. It's one thing having a child cringe when you say anything, but this is really outrageous behaviour.

What's your relationship like with your ex, OP? Is this sort of behaviour something he'd encourage? Do you think your son is going down the incel route?

This really isn't normal and I'm surprised at so many people saying it is - especially posters saying their teens didn't speak to them for several years.