16 year old son will not speak to me in any meaningful way for months at a time

[Shashasha2]

Im pretty sure this is not normal. For context his dad and I have a shared care arrangement which has been 50 50 for the past decade - not my choice.

In the last year, while he socialises with friends, talks with his dad, is fairly chatty with teachers they tell me - he will not engage in any conversation with me whatsoever. I can't over explain myself here and say - oh but im always kind and loving towards him, I'm 100 per cent there for him, he comes first in my life etc etc . We had a family lunch for his birthday a few months ago which was lovely , but really we just played Uno all the way thru and didn't talk about anything. For context I met and gradually introduced their now step dad about 8 years ago. Dh is only supportive and kind to ds and his little sister - who is also under shared care arrangement with their dad - adores ds. No other siblings.

When I think back on all the dinner times etc while there are no arguments there is also no conversation from him at all - polite smiles, he cracks a few jokes then says he has to go and revise and do coursework. Then he disappears into his room and we don't see him at all. I try going in , I try suggesting nice things to do on the weekends , I try taking him snacks and drinks while he's been revising - and he told me recently that he wanted me to stop any attempts like this as he hates it, and he feels incredibly irritated by the sight of me. I've looked back and he has barely told me the names of his friends, only on sufference, I know nothing about any of his GCSE subjects or what he thinks about them, we haven't had a conversation about politics, current affairs for years. On pain of no allowance and being grounded he has life 360 on as otherwise he would never He has never tolerated any discussion about feelings or things are in the context of the 2 homes. If I text or call him he never, ever replies and has mocked me for texting him when he never responds.

With his step dad he will watch the football or get a nandos and will tolerate being alongside him, but again will not really talk to him, ever. Will accept a hug now and then.

He hasn't let me come to watch school matches for a year now. We were very close I thought till he was about 14 and then I guess puberty hit, but this seems quite extreme and he appears to be functioning ok in all aspects of his life with the exception of any meaningful communication with me or dh. The only times he seems to really speak to me are the 3 or 4 times in the last year when he has told me in no uncertain terms that whatever I'm doing - eg trying to chat, offering to have friends round - is completely unwanted and he absolutely wants it to stop.

What is happening here this isn't normal is it?

The problem is if lots of people are saying it’s normal then you can’t argue against that! If everyone came on here and said ‘oh no that’s not normal’ then fine.

But there’s enough people on this short thread who have said something similar has happened to them. They can’t all be outliers.

Absolutely not no breakages of trust! Never went back on word never did anything I can think of that would cause this. We moved house just befor it started and in the same week he had a freak accident which he sustained no injuries or lasting trauma but it was shocking. He also went on a school ski trip, so those three things happened within the same week. And it was just never the same again - I think I thought puberty had been kick started at that point? As that's when he went properly quiet. Btw the house move is 10 mins from our old house just to a nicer house , still same school same distance to dads and the train station.
Re his dad it is not straightforward, no. He is a difficult man but I broadly trust him not to alienate my son from us
Points taken about the life 360 thing - it's mostly because he doesn't check or respond to messages from us that we don't know when he may need picking up from the train station. But I know he doesn't like it so I think we will take it off. Thank you for all responses they are all really helpful

To be fair my DS does speak to me but he has been grumpy for months and very short with me. I’d say it’s the extreme end of normal but not unheard of.

Also actually he walked in on his dad having sex at aged 9 , which he did tell me about , and I promised he would never see anything like that at our house and as a result DH and I don't actually do anything like that when the kids are at home

I don’t track my DS either. I think maybe take 360 off. If he wants a lift he can call. That may help build up some trust.

Whatever that thing was in that week seems to be the thing that set it off.

I take it he was with you when it happened.

He doesn't se m to have any interest in the subcultures associated with incel - he is sociable , goes to parties regularly, he doesn't work out and has no interest in the gym - he likes indie music football and seems pretty engaged with English lit and debating at school according to teachers

No he was at his dad's when the major freak accident hapoened - we coincided the actual move for when he gets as at his dad's. While I don't want to go down that road and I never have , if his dad had been checking things more thoroighky it would not have happened. But he was adamant I should not come to the hospital and that he was fine without me. This was the first real instance of him seriously rejecting my care, if you will. I went any way of course as even if I had resoected his wishes he needed a guardian with him there and his dad had to go home as he was exhausted

You ok wouldn't know unless you're monitoring via a sophisticated router or via checking what on earth he's into online. Our 'naice' area and secondary school has recently had a spayed of utterly shocked 'naice' upper middle class progressive parents having to confront the fact that there sons have been down the manopsphere rabbit hole and become raving mysoginsts. They have hidden it well, but at 16 it's all spelling out.....

My ds was probably not quite as extreme but disappeared into his room for two years or so as a teen and had little to say to me or dh. He emerged around 16/17 and has been absolutely charming ever since. To some extent I think it's normal.

He and DH are amicable and DH has made a massive effort to be fun and loving bit not bossy and overbearing as he absolutely will not tolerate it. But he still doesn't talk to him, really

Working very hard for GCSEs. Little sis 13

She's 13. He's mostly nice to her and they play a sport together at club level so common interest there, often practice together. Family holidays are actually pleasant - again lots of Uno playing and usually swimming or other activity so quite active. He always wants some independence on those hols which we give him.

Definitely not normal, I have two DS 15 and 18. They have never been like this and I can't imagine any of their friends (who are around often) being like this either. He actually sounds quite nasty. That sounds very sad and depressing💐.

Do you get the feeling that this event could be central OP?

I would say that I had a hellish time with one of my teenagers and I would say that was influenced both by ex dripping poison in their ear (it sounds like this isn't a concern you have) and by being really angry at dad's behaviour and needing a safe person to take it out on (which he is absolutely not).

Did you DS have any support around the trauma? Does he experience any flashbacks or nightmares? If you are the safe parent, could he be harbouring resentment towards dad that manifests as anger towards you for leaving him in that situation with dad? I know you're being careful with what information you share, so feel free not to answer. It's very hurtful being cut off. Do you give him lifts anywhere? I had a lot of conversations in the car when we weren't looking at each other.

Exactly. The occasional rolling eyes and stomping is expected, and there may be later apologies. But this level of unpleasantness and rudeness is extreme and unkind. I don’t know any kids who were like this. My kids are early twenties now so I have seen a fair number of teens and their mums. I would be quite clear about the behaviours I expected and tell him that he needed to behave in a civil way.

I know. It sounds ridiculous. He had an incredibly narrow escape from serious life changing injury. I can't go into more detail as of course it would be outing. He was discharged the next day from hospital with absolutely nothing on the discharge sheet except bruises. We wanted to sue ( think negligence in an activity) he scored zero on the PTSD assessment. No injury, no trauma, equals no claim

Thank you for kind post. So sorry to hear you went through a hard time too and similar. He says he likes 50 50, wants 50 50, doesn't what to change anything about it, loves his dad, doesn't find him annoying etc. But I know his dad well and he is not easy - while I know he loves ds he is quite lazy and selfish and that does extend to parenting.

Was that assessment at the hospital at the time, or some time later in terms of looking at pursuing a legal claim? I would say too that just because there was/are no PTSD symptoms, doesn't mean there is no trauma. It happened at a particular significant time of great change and stress. It could have a meaning for him that isn't obvious to others.

No flashbacks or nightmares.