16 year old son will not speak to me in any meaningful way for months at a time

[Shashasha2]

Im pretty sure this is not normal. For context his dad and I have a shared care arrangement which has been 50 50 for the past decade - not my choice.

In the last year, while he socialises with friends, talks with his dad, is fairly chatty with teachers they tell me - he will not engage in any conversation with me whatsoever. I can't over explain myself here and say - oh but im always kind and loving towards him, I'm 100 per cent there for him, he comes first in my life etc etc . We had a family lunch for his birthday a few months ago which was lovely , but really we just played Uno all the way thru and didn't talk about anything. For context I met and gradually introduced their now step dad about 8 years ago. Dh is only supportive and kind to ds and his little sister - who is also under shared care arrangement with their dad - adores ds. No other siblings.

When I think back on all the dinner times etc while there are no arguments there is also no conversation from him at all - polite smiles, he cracks a few jokes then says he has to go and revise and do coursework. Then he disappears into his room and we don't see him at all. I try going in , I try suggesting nice things to do on the weekends , I try taking him snacks and drinks while he's been revising - and he told me recently that he wanted me to stop any attempts like this as he hates it, and he feels incredibly irritated by the sight of me. I've looked back and he has barely told me the names of his friends, only on sufference, I know nothing about any of his GCSE subjects or what he thinks about them, we haven't had a conversation about politics, current affairs for years. On pain of no allowance and being grounded he has life 360 on as otherwise he would never He has never tolerated any discussion about feelings or things are in the context of the 2 homes. If I text or call him he never, ever replies and has mocked me for texting him when he never responds.

With his step dad he will watch the football or get a nandos and will tolerate being alongside him, but again will not really talk to him, ever. Will accept a hug now and then.

He hasn't let me come to watch school matches for a year now. We were very close I thought till he was about 14 and then I guess puberty hit, but this seems quite extreme and he appears to be functioning ok in all aspects of his life with the exception of any meaningful communication with me or dh. The only times he seems to really speak to me are the 3 or 4 times in the last year when he has told me in no uncertain terms that whatever I'm doing - eg trying to chat, offering to have friends round - is completely unwanted and he absolutely wants it to stop.

What is happening here this isn't normal is it?

Also keep up the uno it’s something that’s working.

We make sure we game with ours and chess as they are good connection points. We have whole family servers and go Pokemon going.

It’s one of the differences between my in-laws and my parents and it’s my parents he talks to. Because mine will sit and listen even if it’s over the heads whereas in-laws want to question him and tell him that he should be doing this or that instead.

If my DC spoke to me the way he speaks to you he would be told in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is unacceptable.

There's a (slightly disturbing) theory that teens do this (turn horrible) designed by nature to avoid incestuous relationships at a 'coming of age' when animals are attracted to their parents and vice versa.

Gosh yes that is a terrible idea. I did that once and really regretted it. I just felt horrible and my sister, who happened to be eating with us, asked me what the heck was going on with me, that I was giving off a hostile vibe to my son (I was shocked it was noticeable). I deeply regretted it. I know it may be ‘ok’ for the kid to do it but it’s not okay for the parent. Luckily all water under the bridge now but I’ll never do it again.

His bag on the doorstep and the locks changed seem to be a popular MN way. But maybe that’s a step too far at 16 even for MN.

You’re the safe space. The one place he doesn’t have to put on an act. It’s ok - sounds normal to me. Mine is 17 and doing A levels. He’s pretty much the same as yours - especially around meal time - though he seems to be coming out the other end a little. My UNO is Dobble and he comes into my room every night for a few games and then goes back to his room after winning a few rounds. I’m just connecting where he is and not pushing anything. I am confident he’ll emerge from the chrysalis as a wonderful young man. He was a complete chatterbox when he was little and I can see glimpses of it emerging again.

Sounds normal to me, doesn't sound as though he is going off the rails in anyway, for which you should be so grateful, he's just starting to separate and be his own person

This sounds extreme. I’m so sorry. I’d be worried he was depressed. If it were my son doing this I’d be worried the bio dad had said something about our breakup that then affected how son saw me or something. It sounds really extreme to me and if it’s normal I’m gutted tbh. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds a so tough

Get his Dad or Step Dad to have the Andrew Tate talk with him. He may have been radicalised online.

It sounds like he needed therapy after the horrifying freak accident.

Does he have any half or step siblings? If so, how’s his relationship with them?

I was this teenager. I resented my mother massively - she had incredibly volatile mood swings, was extremely controlling and argumentative, and if I did share something personal, would repeat it to others. She would often lie and twist what I had said. So I kept my distance because I found her to be an unsafe person to be around. I'm not suggesting this is you or that you have mistreated your son. But if he is completely disengaged, it may have been triggered by something. Either a past event at home that created trauma, your new relationship, or perhaps he is being radicalised online. The fact he mocks you suggests he could be consuming harmful misogynistic content. Worth looking into.

What’s your current relationship like with your mother?

She sounds like an abusive parent to you as a teenager

Honestly, if you want the brutal truth, he is communicating with you, you're just ignoring what he's actually saying.

He has told you in no uncertain terms to stop forcing chats and bringing him snacks, and that he feels irritated just looking at you. When you push past those boundaries anyway under the guise of being a "loving mum," you are completely suffocating him. He is shutting down because total silence is his only defense mechanism against being crowded.

On top of that, forcing a tracking app on a good kid who does well in school under the threat of grounding him and cutting off his allowance is wild. He only complies because you're holding his freedom hostage, so he's retaliating by locking you out of his life emotionally. He also clearly senses your resentment about the 50/50 custody split. Bringing up that it wasn't your choice after a whole decade shows you're still harboring bitterness, and kids have a radar for that stuff. He stays silent because he refuses to get caught in a loyalty bind between you and his dad.

If you want a relationship with him when he's an adult, you have to drop the rope right now. You need to delete the tracking app to show him you actually trust him, and completely stop forcing interactions. Give him the breathing room he is literally begging for. If you don't back off and let him breathe now, this silence is going to become permanent the second he turns 18 and moves out.

Although this does sound at the harsher end of teenage anti socialness, I also think your expectations are a bit off. I have a friendly relationship with DS who is almost 15, but I wouldn't dream of going to watch school matches (i know h'd be mortified, also im not intersted), and I dont expect to be talking politics or current affairs with him. So perhaps your ask of him needs to be more around being at least polite, and giving you the courtesy of responding to your (light, not intrusive, non demanding) questions.

This OP

Maybe you ask him too many questions trying to start a conversation and it’s irritating

Try backing off a while but ask him for help occasionally. Not chores as such but something to Make him feel useful. Lifting something heavy from attic or something.

it sounds like teenage stuff and maybe fuelled by his mates stepping back from their parents.

Please please, PLEASE stop trying so hard, this is totally a teenager thing, particularly with boys. The more you try the more he’ll hate it, it’s so cringy and embarrasing. Give him more space than he wants and he’ll come running back. Might not be now but will be in a few years when he realises what he’s got.

He is being very rude to you and s obviously getting off big time on being controlling. Yes all teenagers go off on on for a few years but this does seem an extreme example.

I would ask him if wanted to go and live with his dad..And let him do his own cleaning, washing and ironing.

He obviously has some kind of issues that he needs help with.

Honestly op it sounds like you’re doing pretty well.

he comes on holiday with you. You play Uno. He watches tv with his stepdad. He participates in family meals even if he doesn’t say much.

i am just out of the other end of this with my 18yo. I understand how painful it is. But it’s also normal, and he will come back.

i’d get rid of the Life 360 on condition that he responds to texts when he needs a lift etc. then, as others have said. Stop trying so hard. Let him be, and trust that this is normal; hard to bear, but normal. Once he’s 18 or more, you’ll be having those chats you’re craving now.

No one is mentioning the divorce and new step father. His mother and father broke up and showed him you cant count on anyone so you refuse to get close so you dont get hurt again.
I think youre underestimating the effect of the divorce on him