AIBU to think choosing a second child with an absent father is selfish?

[Havemechippytea]

NC for this because outing. My cousin admitted to me last night she’s pregnant again with her on off boyfriend whom she’s now dumped because she “has always wanted two kids” and I’m shocked. I don’t know if I’m being very judgy here but I’d have thought the wellbeing of the existing child should come first and you shouldn’t just have more kids with a crap father because that’s what YOU want?

I almost understand having one child with a crap bloke as they may not have realised what a useless father he is or desperately wanted a child, but AIBU to think going on to have a second with a useless/absent father is very selfish and not good parenting? Or do the benefits of a sibling outweigh the impact of a useless father?

I suspect I’ll get flamed so got my tin hat on.

I don't think so. She wanted two kids, perhaps it was important to her that they had the same dad, maybe he was convenient, maybe she had a life plan with X years between her kids. Good for her going for what she wants.

I couldn't disagree with you more.

It depends if she is financially and emotionally able to support these 2 kids alone or not.

Having kids in general is incredibly selfish. I’m not sure how this is necessarily worse than doing it any other way. See all the threads on here from women on kid number 3/4 with a useless bloke 🤷‍♀️

Is she able to financially support two kids as a single parent?

I think it’s fine and in fact know someone who made that decision two decades ago.

She raised two amazing siblings, only had to deal with one irritating father and they went on to have a reasonable relationship with him despite him largely being absent

Who's going to be financially supporting these children? If it's the tax payer it's downright irresponsible and selfish.

Why is it worse for her existing child to have a full sibling @Havemechippytea ?

If she is strong enough to parent alone and mitigate the effects of them not having a father, good on her. We do not "need" men, not even a fraction as much as the patriarchy tries to tell us we do, it's 2026 and I'm happy to see women taking charge of their lives.

However, if she allows him to shit on them all with his behaviour in the background and the kids are aware of his shitness, or in any way internally blame themselves for being "decent father-less", that's not good for them.

This is going to turn into a benefits bashing thread unless you come back and say she works in a really solid stable well paid job or came into some mass inheritance OP.

There’s an innate biological desire in some to have at least two children. The premise almost definitely is one as a back up incase one dies, going way back when anyway but it’s stuck. It’s sort of engrained in western culture now to have two. She wanted them to have the same dad, it’s as simple as that.

Does she complain about how useless she is and moan about having to do everything herself?

If not then I dont see the problem tbh. Yes, ideally children will have both parents involved but we dont live in an ideal world. Plus having both children with the same father, even if that father is not involved, has its benefits too.

You not interested in having a state pension, medical care, or a workforce when you retire then?

Its utterly selfish but you'll get a pile on here because people want to fall over themselves to say women can do what they want. In the real world people know this isnt right.

Thats hardly the same thing is it! Stop stirring.

Huh?

I didn’t say people shouldn’t have kids. I said anyone choosing to have a child is doing it for selfish reasons so I’m not sure why this woman is any worse than anyone else.

She doesn’t claim benefits (to my knowledge) aside from child benefit and actually works full time in a relatively well paid job. The dad doesn’t really contribute financially, certainly not regularly from what she’s said, which makes him even more of a pillock in my opinion.

Would like to add; it's also neither OP's nor our business how many kids an adult woman has, nor to pass approval on who fathers them. Nor even to judge how the kids are funded.

Life and money are imperfect in our society but kids need to be warm, fed and sheltered. I for one am happy to spend taxes on the next generation, who inevitably will bankroll and care for most of us when we get old. (Not assuming this is an unemployed woman though, there's no way to tell from op, but getting in before the UC bashing vampires descend)

Edit - X posted withoutveeing ops above comment re employment

Did she say to Feckless Dad "let's give it another try , maybe have another baby and work at being a family " then once she's pregnant realise he was an utter waste of skin or think now I have his demon seed he's redundant

Or deliberately enable the pregnancy and dump him .
Does he know ?
Does he care?

Better the devil you know I suppose. Many women raise two children successfully on their own income. At least this way her DC gets a sibling without the complications of introducing a step parent and navigating sibling relationships where one sibling has both parents at home and the other has to leave at weekends.

I wouldn't judge her.

How is having kids “incredibly selfish”? If no one was “incredibly selfish” we’d die out!

You do realise we’re already not having enough children to replace the population, an an ever increasing elderly population… the idea that having children was just supporting the more over-population stopped making sense in the late 20th century.

What do you mean, it's hardly the same thing?

There have to be younger generations to fund state pensions. I know retirees love to think that their NI has been saved in a little pot for them and magically stretched to £240 per week for 25-30 years, but that's not how it works.

I'm absolutely fed up of the continuous demonisation of women bringing up a future workforce by other women. Stop falling into the trap of infighting. We need more children to be born to support an older population, not fewer.

Because it’s done for entirely selfish purposes. Nobody has kids to benefit the workforce or to contribute to society - they do it because they want them.

I’m not saying nobody should have kids or that we should never reproduce again but having children IS an inherently selfish thing to do, and I don’t see why the way this woman is doing it is any more selfish than any other way of having kids.

If she can afford (financially and practically) to give her child a full sibling, then it seems like a viable alternative to a blended family or sperm donation where children have no link to their biological father.

How is it any different to a lesbian couple using a male friend for an informal/ unofficial sperm donation?

But I wasn’t saying there should be less children.

I’m just saying that having children is selfish no matter how you go about it, so why demonise this woman over anyone else? Two kids with the same dad is a lot better than many other scenarios!

Yes it is. Most people would say it’s unreasonable to be “incredibly selfish”.

So if people are “reasonable” and not selfish and don’t have children, then there would be no one to look after us in our old age!