AIBU to think choosing a second child with an absent father is selfish?

[Havemechippytea]

NC for this because outing. My cousin admitted to me last night she’s pregnant again with her on off boyfriend whom she’s now dumped because she “has always wanted two kids” and I’m shocked. I don’t know if I’m being very judgy here but I’d have thought the wellbeing of the existing child should come first and you shouldn’t just have more kids with a crap father because that’s what YOU want?

I almost understand having one child with a crap bloke as they may not have realised what a useless father he is or desperately wanted a child, but AIBU to think going on to have a second with a useless/absent father is very selfish and not good parenting? Or do the benefits of a sibling outweigh the impact of a useless father?

I suspect I’ll get flamed so got my tin hat on.

Nope. Makes sense to me. Wanting two children but not to two men seems normal. Not all parents just want one child. Or to deal with two lots of co-parent.

I am like her

I have a 4 year old and we are currently pregnant. He isn’t absent anymore. He used to be a week without contact etc but now he’s consistent and everything inbetween however we aren’t together. We don’t live together but we get on so much better now. Our little girl was with my mum one night and I had a drink and now I’m 20 weeks pregnant with our second. I had the same reception as you no one was happy he was supportive instantly.

in my opinion you can’t do nothing about it you can support her and you can be there but also just let her live her life. I am grateful that I’ve had my children with the same father and now I’m done and also all of my family now are on board and happy so maybe when you get over it and you let her live her life you will be too.

I'm financially alright and mentally alright and so is the father so as long as she is there’s no issues she’s allowed to want a baby.

I mean this is no different to using a sperm donor which is her other option.

How did you reach that conclusion. They simply said generally the choice to have a child is selfish not that it’s bad.

She hasn’t dragged him into it. He was a willing participant in having unprotected sex.

I am sure her child will appreciate having a sibling rather than being an only child.

How is that different? In both instances there is a father who is absent.

Like it or not women are judged and judged hard for having children with different dads where as men are given kudos for having many different mothers to their children when I got divorced the whispers began watch her she will soon have another I couldn't even TALK to a man without the fuss starting in the lower school a man had two women fighting over him he has five different mothers around 7 children literally playground fights from women interested in this specimen people laughed encouraged him said awww what a lad he is eh?

If she can handle her end without his deadbeat ass then fine

A male friend of mine was asked by his ex, she had a professional job and wanted a 2nd child with the same Dad, he did consider it before deciding against it.

Because a donor is absent because they explicitly chose to be a donor and the mother chose that dynamic and he's not a father figure who is absent and unreliable he's just a donor and the child is raised in a family structure where they understand their family is them and their mother.Given this will be a second child this man is around and in the picture enough for these children to eventually be messed up not understanding why Dad doesn't care to see them regularly.

Not sure if having two full siblings with one crap dad is worse than two half siblings with two crap dads tbh.

It's ENTIRELY the same thing.

I have a 4 year old and we are currently pregnant.

We?

Yeh… come on now. We all know how to use contraception

Imo it's better to have 2 siblings getting treated the same, than one with a deadbeat and one with an amazing parent.

Love how she's the one getting slated for this and not the bloke though, considering she's the one taking all of the responsibility.

If I could react in every way to this i would!! It makes sense. My thought process is there’s no what ifs, i know what im getting and i also am now done. There’s no what ifs i don't have to wait to meet someone else and hope they want other children or a child. Im 31 and done. We’ve come out the other end of my situation now so!

And what about what the child needs? They don't need a dad?

It depends what you mean by the father being 'useless'...a child knowing who their dad is and having some contact now and then is better than him being completely absent and not showing any interest, or a negative influence. That's irresponsible of both parents and not fair on the child.

What is it that makes it selfish? What's important to kids is that they have enough financial security to feel ok eg roof, food; that they are safe (physically, emotionally, sexually) ; and that they are securely attached and feel loved by a primary carer. Sounds like she can offer all that. If we are going to judge here, let's judge the useless father. Siblings are the longest relationship we have.

Is the first kid still very young? She has no idea of the impact of an absent father. Babies and toddlers are relatively “easy” compared to a teenager. If she can financially support herself and work etc without requesting help from others (the state, grandparents etc) then good on her. If she can’t then shame on her. She is short-sighted and selfish.
if the on-off boyfriend is useless then unfortunately the kids may inherit these traits. Theres a lot of “useless” in nature (severe severe ADHD managed incorrectly comes across like this).

I’m surprised it’s that low. Does that include non-resident single parents?

I’m astounded by the number of posters in here saying if she wants a second child and she can manage then it’s ok.
Children need a mother and a father and I say this as a single parent.

If a child is born and then tbe parents split that’s a different thing but to conceive a child on purpose knowing that one parent is going to be absent or worse in and out is just downright selfish

It depends whether the lifestyle she can give to the children can negate the fact they have an absent father

I have more of a problem with him choosing not to use condoms (yes an assumption but based on the op it is most likely correct) and choosing to be an absent father.

They both have agency here and yet it’s her who is being judged.

I sort of did similar, After DD1 was born ExH definitely changed towards me (couples therapist alluded to projected Mummy issues) but I always wanted two DCs so had DD2 eighteen months later. I was aware that he probably wasn’t going to be a wonderful father - or husband - but I wanted DD to have a sibling. The biological urge drowned out a lot! They’re 17 & 16 now and I have no regrets…

20 years ago I’d have said how dare anyone judge and she can do what she wants.

Now after seeing how very important my own children’s father has been in their lives, and dealing with families with problems at work, every single one of which either has no dad or crap dad, I would likely say otherwise. Of my children’s friends, almost all with problems or issues, have no dad or split parents.

It’s a difficult one.