AIBU to think choosing a second child with an absent father is selfish?

[Havemechippytea]

NC for this because outing. My cousin admitted to me last night she’s pregnant again with her on off boyfriend whom she’s now dumped because she “has always wanted two kids” and I’m shocked. I don’t know if I’m being very judgy here but I’d have thought the wellbeing of the existing child should come first and you shouldn’t just have more kids with a crap father because that’s what YOU want?

I almost understand having one child with a crap bloke as they may not have realised what a useless father he is or desperately wanted a child, but AIBU to think going on to have a second with a useless/absent father is very selfish and not good parenting? Or do the benefits of a sibling outweigh the impact of a useless father?

I suspect I’ll get flamed so got my tin hat on.

Respectfully, why do you disagree though? We don't know anything about the mum. She might be amazing and have a huge support system. Two kids might have been her life plan all along and she's going ahead knowing the dad is nothing but a sperm donor.

Society shits all over women who have kids with more than one bloke. Here the kids have the same dad and she has one bloke to deal with for child support. She went into the situation with her eyes open and there's no reason to assume she's deliberately sponging off the state.

Edited for spelling!

I think PP means that we have kids to fulfill a need in ourselves not for any other reason . That need is often biologically driven but is still a personal need.

One of the most statistically dangerous things that happen to children is for a step parent to be introduced to their lives. I honestly believe it is much better for child 1 to have a sibling with the same absent father, than to have a half sibling that comes with a step father.

Even a relatively benign harm, like the new man slightly favouring his own child in the home can have a profound detrimental impact.

Women's justifications to breed shouldn't go before what is best for the children they keep on having

Was that why you had children then, so that other people could have state pensions, medical care and a workforce?

'justifications to breed' sounds a bit like you consider women to be livestock......

Sounds sensible to me. She wanted two children and she's achieved this without the complication of a stepdad / blended family. Not remotely selfish. I wish them all well.

Are we related? My sister is doing the same thing as your cousin. I’ve made peace with it because she is 38 and feels that biology isn’t on her side to go looking for someone new to date/step-parent her existing child and impregnate her. She will probably have a second child with feckless dad and stop speaking to him once she has what she wants. My sister can afford Nannies etc so she doesn’t really care what he does. She also gets on well with his parents and ours - his parents know that he is shit and often overcompensate for his fails. Eg looking after her child/their gc when she finds it too difficult.

Yes, thank you! You explained it better than me.

My point was that nobody is having kids for anything other than their own biological want/need - so why is this woman, having two kids with the same dad, any worse than anyone else who chooses to have a kid?

I mean, at least her kids will be raised with a working mother and won’t have to deal with step parents and all the issues that come with it. It could be a hell of a lot worse.

My sister who is like the OPs cousin - enjoyed being part of a group of siblings and would like the same for her daughter.

Two kids with the same dad (even an absent one) is almost always going to be better for the children than 2 kids with different dads, getting different treatment, especially if it's one kid that gets to live with both parents and one that has to live with a stranger and grow up in a house where they are (almost inevitably) treated differently to their sibling(s).

And, as someone who knows a weirdly high number of only kids of single parents, most of them are worried about being the only person in their mum's life as they age.

The responsibility of being the only child of an aging parent is a lot - making decisions alone and knowing that when your parent dies (at whatever age you are), you will effectively be 'alone in the world' (as one friend put it). It's an unenviable practical and emotional situation for the child and parent, and I don't think many of my friends would have chosen it over having a sibling.

Well presumably he could have worn a condom to remove the need for this discussion. He didn't, so he was sort of complicit in the conception - it's not entirely down to her.

If she can financially and emotionally support them I don’t think it is. The kids will, presumably have a nice childhood with their mum, have a full sibling, who will have the same relationships with both parents. I think it’s probably less selfish than blending families or having a new child with another partner in terms of impact on the existing child.

Just to point out that her having a second child in this way doesn't rule out a future step parent/blended family.as well.

I don't think what she's chosen to do is a bad thing, I'm just saying it doesn't mean those other things won't also happen. They're not always bad either.

Well he can’t be absent if she’s become pregnant by him! You describe it as an on/off relationship.

She works FT in a well paid job and doesn’t claim benefits. I can’t see what your problem is

Yep YANBU.

No, but it is the outcome of more children being born, which should be encouraged, incentivised and (dare I say it) celebrated, given the aging population.

This tired old demonisation of single mothers is so lazy, ill thought through and 1985. The tech bros and finance bros are your enemies, not fellow women.

There is nothing wrong with choosing to have kids without a partner using donor sperm but it’s wrong to have a child with someone who you know is a shite father. Why would you do that to a child. It’s selfish. It’s also incredibly dishonest and scummy to ‘accidentally on purpose’ get pregnant or trick a man into thinking you want a baby with him as part of a relationship when you know you will dump him once you are pregnant.
Its really disgusting behaviour.

No but then I would say she was selfish! It isn’t always a bad thing but you only have to read posts on here to see that it’s rarely a better thing for existing children to become part of blended families.

Yes I would agree that using an anonymous sperm donor is less selfish than using someone you know as sperm donor without a proper coparenting agreement in place.

'Reading on here' is not a balanced view. People post when they're unhappy about something, not when everything is going well.

but that wasn't my point anyway.

my point is (which I thought I'd said clearly enough) is that her choosing to do this doesn't mean she won't go on to meet someone & the kids have a step dad and/or a blended family.

But you don't know what they've agreed.

At least they will have the same dad so that’s one less complication I guess 🤷‍♀️

I’ve seen people admit to it on here, they don’t want children with different dads so accept a shit dad. I don’t agree with it tbh, but I think it’s probably better than all these blended families with multiple half and step siblings.

I know someone who got pregnant with her second child while her partner was on bail for a serious offence. Basically wanted to make sure she could get his swimmers before he got sent away. Which he did. I think some women will be prepared to deal with anything to get the kids they want.

Reading this thread makes me think it’s probably preferable to an (perhaps equally problematic) step parent. It just irritates me that these feckless bastards get to pass on their genes.