How did you get over being left out by the other mums?

[fruitfly3]

Just that really. I have realised that there is a little posse of 6-7 of the other mums in the class that I’m not part of - actually, I’m actively excluded from. They are the sort of people I’d have a good laugh with and really enjoy hanging out with at the kids activities (professionals, similar interests etc). But they have formed a group that definitely doesn’t include me. The 3/4 other mums are lovely but not people I draw energy from (one is from a different culture and our sense of humour and chat is just different), one is a bit depressing etc and one is a SAHM whose outlook and life is super different to mine. It’s made me feel 13 again and left out by the popular kids - made me question how I come across and feel horribly self conscious. I went over to them at an activity tonight - they acknowledged me and then turned away and closed their circle. It was pretty awful. Not looking for explanations (or really to bitch about them) but wonder how you reframe it in your own mind? Adults are so so hard to make friends with.

I got wendyed by another mum and totally lost touh with the original group. At the time I was a bit upset and felt rejected. But looking back now im so glad because they're such shallow people and our friendships were so fake. I hope in time you'll be glad to be left out too.

This.

That is exactly the sort of people I don’t approach at all , therefore I don’t care ! mFind your own people instead of wanting to be friends with mean girls

I'm so glad that I actively exclude myself from these mum groups at nursery cos they always end up being a bunch of bitches like the ones you have described here. Consider yourself lucky youre not in their world of mess. They probably all hate and bitch about eachother anyway. Some people really never grow up

Yep, the bit when they exclude other kids is awful. My DD went through a phase when didn't really realise, a phase when she was upset. Now she has gained the ability to rise above it, and realise that the parents behaviour is no reflection on her or her friendships, and I have heard her and her friends laugh about the 'cringe' behaviour of a couple of the mums with their pushy behaviour.

Roll on secondary when they all take the bus and there is no more of this school gate nonsense.

No, but I’ve often been that person who arrived in a new place where I knew no one, and you know what? No one owes me friendship. Sometimes I’ve found my people in a setting and sometimes I haven’t, but even somewhere in which I spent four years standing by myself in the school yard, despite being a friendly, socially competent person who did all the right stuff (inviting people, joining stuff, volunteering) I didn’t fulminate about a ‘clique’ excluding me. They didn’t like me. I wasn’t their type of person. Which is fine. I made friends at work, and had everyone’s kids over for play dates with DS regardless of whether the parents blanked me or not.

I did not make any friends in Dc1’s class. I thought it was me. It wasn’t because I had no trouble making friends in DC2’s class.

Oh I had all this when DS was at school. I felt quite isolated and sad for him missing out on the activities but was quite relieved not to be part of the drama that ensued when 2 of the mums fell out about something. Now our kids have all left, a couple of them have contacted me individually asking if I fancy a coffee and catch up because they don't see each other anymore! Yeah, that's not happening.

As a single parent, I couldn’t care less if I’m in their “clique” or not. My daughter is content at school, I have a small group of people I value as true friends, work full time and don’t need any drama.
I will absolutely acknowledge any of the school parents and get on well with some, however they are acquaintances, I know some meet up outside of school, there are various WhatsApp groups etc, but I actually don’t want to be “friends” with any of them.

I am sorry you feel left out, but sometimes overthinking it can be worse. I learned to not give a toss these days and invest my time and energy where it’s truly valued. If my daughter is content, so am I.

Honestly, they're probably not the people for you. If they were, you'd be in their circle.
You will find your people, but let it happen naturally. Let yourself chat to people who come across a bit weird at first. Accept a coffee date of a lift from someone you're not sure of, and you'll find a small circle.
I have one mum at my kids school who I just cannot get over rejecting me. Looking at her now, I can actually see we would never have been friends. We don't fit together at all but she was so weird and rude and blatant about it that it still stings 4 years or so later.
But I have my small circle now. There's only three of us but it's lovely and our kids are great friends.
Hang in there xx

I think you are over thinking this way too much. You are labelling other mums as narcissists and analysing how many times a week they have been cliquey. It sounds bonkers to me. It is just a school run!

I never interacted much with any of the mums at the school gates. I actually found them quite sad and lonely with their “oh yahs” and extremely offensive comments about anyone they perceived as beneath them. I was a shift worker nearly 40 years ago, but a lot of them were sahm, and they didn’t have any life really. A lot of the really nasty ones husbands ended up leaving for a younger model. Karma.

I always worked FT , so I never focussed on school gate friends ever. I made my own friends and mixed with them. I was always friendly when I did see the other mums and went with dd's wishes for play dates and parties and was occasionally for asked for drinks or a BBQ or something. I always find it a bit strange that there is a huge expectation that it should be easy to make friends with your children's friends' parents, who are effectively random strangers. I know it does work for many and also doesn't for many others, who then feel awful.

If it’s 6/7 other mums then there are about 15 others mums “left out” which means noone has been left out reality.

I’m still struggling to see what these women have done wrong, other than not falling over themselves to be the OP’s friends.

Really feel for you OP, it’s horrible. I’m an older mum of an adopted child, and I tended to just go and either stand on my own or chat to whoever was closest, but it’s hard not to feel left out when you hear a group of Mums having a good old banter that you’re not part of, particularly for a kids party or activity when it’s a longer timespan. So glad the primary pick ups are no longer a problem.

As adults there’s usually less situations where you feel so excluded, but it ended up being helpful for me relating to DD when she went through a phase of feeling left out by her friends. Making sure she had other outside school friends to hang out with and working on her self esteem.

Hang in there, there’ll be other opportunities to find a nicer tribe.

Getting involved with the PTA is a risky strategy in my experience, especially if you’re already feeling fragile. You might be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. Our PTA is a combination of nice people and the most patronising control freaks I have ever met in my life. And then there are those who turn up to one meeting then flee, never to be seen again. 😆

And i wonder why other posters think they have done something wrong just because the op thinks they have

Someone who is genuinely happy in their own skin wouldn’t be slagging off the other people and seeing it as some kind of weakness that they don’t include the OP.

(Also if you were a ‘lone wolf’ you wouldn’t need to be chatting to anyone)

I think it’s a shame that adults struggle with being ‘left out’ by people they don’t really even know and decide it’s a character flaw of others. Some groups just gel and that’s fine.

I have said this on a previous thread but I think this is the result of forcing children to accept and play with others that they don’t necessarily like.

I get the OP wants to be included but she clearly isn’t keen on the other part of the group so how is that any better.

I just go my own way through life. I find it easier to have a spread of friends and not one group. I just fhat with whoever is there. I don't care what others think of me. I just invite kids to ours to play.

I don’t get it at all to be honest, the whole school gate friends thing. I just want to get the kids and go! One of my kid’s sports teams it is obvious that five of the mums are besties but that’s ok, they hang out together and they are not rude. Stop caring so much and concentrate on the friends you already have.

”They are the sort of people I’d have a good laugh with and really enjoy hanging out with at the kids activities (professionals, similar interests etc). But they have formed a group that definitely doesn’t include me.”

“I went over to them at an activity tonight - they acknowledged me and then turned away and closed their circle.”

No, they are a bunch of bitches, you don’t want to hang out with them at all. It’s petty and childish, and they are not nice people. If you really don’t gel with the remaining mums, take a book to the activities and don’t try to socialise.

It’s just like being a teenager again - I remember it well.
There not much advice I can offer except my experience that the uncomfortable school drop offs/pick ups and activities seem to stop with secondary school and you’ll become less aware of it - also kids go to different schools so the friendship cliques change or fade away.
I feel for you but it doesn’t last forever

That's absolutely ridiculous. They weren't rude, they acknowledged the OP. They didn't want to continue engaging with her after that, which is fine. They don't owe her friendship. They are a group of six or seven friends who aren't looking to add new friends to their number, and/or who just don't particularly like the OP. Which is unfortunate for her, as she likes them, but which happens to us all from time to time, in friendships as well as dating -- we meet someone that we are drawn to, but they don't have space in their lives for more friends, or don't like us back. Not everyone is going to like us.

It's a deeply ordinary fact of life, that doesn't need to be turned into someone else's fault. The OP lists reasons why the other mothers in the class who aren't in this friendship group don't appeal to her. Which is also fine. But the same is possibly true for the group she would like to join. The OP just doesn't appeal to them, for whatever reason. It doesn't make anyone involved a bad person.

But the OP needs to realise that what prevents her from wanting to befriend the other mothers not in the group is also likely to be at play in the group she wants to be part of. They just don't find her appealing as a friendship prospect. Which doesn't mean anything is wrong with her, or with them. They're just not a match.

I was going to point this out. Because how op describes the other mums is horrible. Op needs to get of their high horse.