How did you get over being left out by the other mums?

[fruitfly3]

Just that really. I have realised that there is a little posse of 6-7 of the other mums in the class that I’m not part of - actually, I’m actively excluded from. They are the sort of people I’d have a good laugh with and really enjoy hanging out with at the kids activities (professionals, similar interests etc). But they have formed a group that definitely doesn’t include me. The 3/4 other mums are lovely but not people I draw energy from (one is from a different culture and our sense of humour and chat is just different), one is a bit depressing etc and one is a SAHM whose outlook and life is super different to mine. It’s made me feel 13 again and left out by the popular kids - made me question how I come across and feel horribly self conscious. I went over to them at an activity tonight - they acknowledged me and then turned away and closed their circle. It was pretty awful. Not looking for explanations (or really to bitch about them) but wonder how you reframe it in your own mind? Adults are so so hard to make friends with.

I had one mum I got on with. Similar professional mums didn’t want me at all. However the one I did get on with was kind, friendly and inclusive. Other parents curated dc friendships and my dd was excluded. I found that really hard because she never found her place. It was so bad she preferred boarding school from y7 where she found numerous friends who are all coming to her wedding in 6 months! In the end, you not need the cliquey parents. The only time anyone showed interest in dd or me was when dd said she wasn’t going to the local grammar along with the clique girls. Then they took notice of her! Thank god we made the decision to go!

Grown women are awful and should no better. You probably aren't missing out in anything if they are like that

Exactly, how are people classing them as rude and not having character etc when OP has done the same thing to the other group. Maybe your energy is not for them as you said of the other group and that’s okay.

What’s actually nasty, is you labelling me. I stated a fact, OP doesn’t want to be friends with other mums because of xyz and the ‘clique-mums’ probably feel the same about the OP.

That's the rubbish bit isn't it. I don't give 2 hoots what they think of me (although will talk to anyone and help anyone out) but when these curated friendships negatively impact on other children then it's horrible.

I never thought of friendships as “ curated “ before. Sounds quite bouji… I must tell my own clique next time we’re out excluding the rest of the world.

I have decided it is brutal. No wonder kids have it rough as they learn from the parents

@Divebar2021If mums clearly only favour a certain other type of parent with suitable dc, they are curated friendships. Dc are not choosing freely. It’s not unusual but how often do you ask anyone else to join you? Is your dc playing with a very narrow range of dc who have the same level of intelligence or money as approved by you? I suspect the answer is yes. So curated friendships are clearly what mums do. It can be a group who go to church, but it’s usually parents who have high hopes for dc and have/had professional jobs and see themselves as superior.

In my personal experience, it's not even currating friendships which they feel are helpful to their dc. It's getting their dc to only have playdates, parties, sleepovers with their friends children because it gives them an oppurtuinity to meet up with their friends, it their preferences first, their child's needs/preferences second.

So the actual question is 'do you regularly invite over children whose parents you aren't good friends with'. If the answer to this is no, then it's likely to be intentionally or subconsciously managing friendships to suit a parents needs and wishes.

DD's best friend is forever moaning about how her mum forces her to have playdates and invite children who she finds annoying (because they are her mums friends children) and who she doesn't hang out with in school.

Why do some parents need to wallow in self pity?

@Bushmillsbabe Yes. Agreed. Children can belatedly make their own choices but it certainly excluding others by design.

The op asked what did you do about it? I joined the pta and tried to help out as best I could. I have no lasting friends from primary at all. Occasionally me and dh have seen a parent and they ask about dd. But only because they want to find out info or boast about their dc! It’s unbelievably shallow!

I relate op. Had ds1at 16 so they’re all 10-20 years older than me. They never talk to me unless I approach them first and then whatever conversation they were having would instantly switch to the weather. Guess I’m just some big baby to them and other topics are just for the adults. Never been invited to any of the coffee dates or night outs they go on together.
Not too bothered but sometimes worry ds is missing out in the summer holidays when they are all meeting up with the kids together but what can you do

👏 👏 👏

Very relatable

It’s not scheming and it’s obvious they don’t care but blanking people is unkind. A quick conversation isn’t being full on friends, and we get that. When dc play with each other at school, a conversation to be polite doesn’t hurt. You do know your dc will be excluded from parties and they won’t speak to you at sports day but it doesn’t make that eventuality easier to deal with.

The op asked what do you do. I’ve found get involved with the pta and remain pleasant. At secondary, we chose a completely different school. Enough was enough.

I just do not have school mum friends. I don't really care. Find other friends that you like. School mum friends are rarely friends for life anyway. Also lots of the cliques actually know each other from other places, baby groups, they went to school together themselves. Through family etc.

I hated this. There was a school gate clique at our primary school who had one or two that would just stare at you if you had the temerity to even say hello to them. I saw a couple of mums that were ousted and were completely bewildered by it. It upset me at first because I had literally no mum friends and it would’ve been quite nice to have had a chat at the gates with someone but quickly realised I didn’t need that level of drama either!

I was ignored by clique too, during school gate years. Honestly leave them to it, ask one of the other mums for a coffee, and forge your own friendships, but to be honest I was more than happy to be left out by the cliquey people, to me it showed their true colours, and I'm not like that at all, I love people from all walks of life, my closest friend at the school gates was from a Bangladeshi Muslim background, she was so lovely we got on so well, I'm from a white British Christian background, but it made no difference to either of us, my son is 20 now, and I'm still friends with her. Honestly give the other mums a real go with forming friendships.

I never wanted to be in with them, had my own life.

Omg this! I had it the other way round - other child to my child: you can come and sit with my family at the school bbq on Friday but your Mum can't because my Dad doesn't like her. Ha ha. Fortunately I'd have rather chewed my own arm off than sit with those sanctimonious twats anyway, but it did make me laugh! They thought they were the bees knees and would have been mortified.

I have experienced this and I don’t care what anyone says it’s cliquey and unkind.
I’ve turned up at the theatre/gig with a non school friend and seen them all out together.
These are mothers I have known since 2019.
I was the mug who had the big parties and invited the whole class.
I went out of my way to volunteer/organise collections, fundraise etc.
I once asked if I could join a camping trip and was told ‘there wasn’t room’. I have one child whose behaviour is really good and I get comments on how nice/caring she is so it’s not that.
Don’t want to out us but in our particular circumstances, being included would have made a huge difference to all of us, as we have no family who are regularly involved and have had a tough time.
On the other side of this, one day just something in me closed down and I realised they weren’t my tribe. And genuinely, I now avoid them and think they are weak with a narrow lens on life. We now have a sporadic network of other parents and friends, not huge but we get by.
What I have always done since is do my best to be kind and inclusive to any new familles, who join the year group so maybe I am the better person and that knowledge also helps.

@LBFseBrom Well good for you but people who are new to an area don’t have immediate friends. Sometimes dc have been to a child minder and parents haven’t met anyone else starting school at the same time. I had met one parent who was friendly but it felt very hard to be excluded.

Our yeargroup started ok but has got worse and worse over the years. Tbh theyve also cliqued the kids now too so completely blocked out my dc so im pissed off.
There is just no need for it.
i get people get on better with some but forcing kids friendships too!

Tbh i had similar issues with antenatal group and ended up pushed out. And now that dc is at secondary and at least 2 of the antenatal kids are bullying that dc. So kids do learn from their parents behaviour (they dont realise they met as babies..

However op seems a bit focussed on being with the cool kids.

Maybe watch Motherland....you are not alone. Happened to me, too. After a short while of feeling hurt I did then think, "Fuck 'em" and got over it. Pretty quickly they became irrelevant to my life.

I'd reframe it. It's not about 'cliques' or exclusion, they're just a group of friends.

You don't want to hang out with the boring mum, the one from a different culture etc even though they're nice enough.
These women just don't draw energy from you - they already have friends.