Eating through my daughter

[rachelsroses]

I was desperate for my daughter not to have my disordered eating that I’ve made her overweight by buying her all the things I don’t eat.
I have orthorexia and I buy all my forbidden foods for my daughter and now she is overweight.
I eat a healthy meal while she is at school and make a plate of my forbidden food for her for when she gets home.
I know it sounds ridiculous but I’ve only just realised what I’ve been doing and now I don’t know what to do because I don’t want her to have my restrictive diet but I also don’t know what is normal eating.

I agree. I also thought cheese and nuts were an odd choice and only OP knows why she choses them over other foods. It’s going to be very complex and not something we can diagnose

OP go to your GP, for yourself and your daughter and get some accurate medical advice for a healthy weight and height for her and a referral to a dietician, if the GP thinks it's warranted

It’s difficult to even imagine what life is like in general in this family. I mean I would know what my husband has for breakfast, lunch and dinner every single day because we would eat together, make together, shop together, I know what is in the fridge and isn’t now etc I can’t really understand how you wouldn’t know.

the bottom line is you need serious help op, for both yours and your dds sake.

as you described nuts and cheese as a healthy meal, and haven’t detailed what your dd actually eats, it’s impossible to know whether your dd is actually eating well or not. Since your food is limited to 4 things, a plate of ‘food i restrict myself’ could basically be anything.

Please can you list her food op, then we can help.

Socially eating with someone with a serious ED who doesn’t eat for days on end is an absolutely ridiculous idea. The daughter will be far more damaged from the behaviour OP will display trying to pretend to eat sausage and mash. It can lead to other ED management methods like purging.

Please don’t ask OP to list the daughter’s food. This is real unhealthy behaviour for OP and we can’t help.

Energy.
I am in recovery years, I have to also be mindful of eating otherwise I will forget. I don’t have the hunger gene, on a busy day out I bring cheese and nuts to keep my energy up or if I’ve eating very little I will eat cheese and nuts to stop the night pang.

Oh OP, it sounds like you are anorexic. You need to go to your GP and ask for help. Well done for recognizing you have a problem. Are you sure your daughter is actually over weight. What is her BMI?

Come on. The label she puts on her eating disorder does not matter. Not eating anything for 3 days and then classing a meal as a tin of tuna or some cheese and nuts is so disordered it's off the scale. And that's before the issue around whether her daughter is a healthy weight or not. An adult woman who weighs less than a 10 year old and can't see that's an issue is very seriously mentally unwell.

I agree that you need to seek support first as your daugher might pick up on that behaviour herself

BMI is increasingly not used as a measure for kids as it’s too rigid and doesn’t account for different body types and personal factors. WFH is more accurate and safe. Anyway, OP really needs professional help for herself and her family, not to be measuring and weighing.

Surely your DH must have noticed @rachelsroses ?

You eat nothing at all for three days running each week ~ does he never have days off, annual leave, don't you ever spend those days together ?

OP this is so sad but totally fixable! She is only 10 - you and your partner need to work as a team and sort this out...
You need some proper support - mental health support. You have an eating disorder and you need clinical help for that.
As a family you need to cook, eat, shop together - you can do that. Your daughter will start to be healthier, you and your DP will be healthier.
You will all benefit from the relationship improvements that come from eating together.

OP, please get help for yourself. Ask the GP to refer you to your local
ED services.. Tell them that you have a serious restrictive eating disorder, which is affecting your daughter. Both of you deserve better than this. You need a meal plan for yourself. A dietitian can help you with this. You don’t need to challenge fear foods until you are further along in recovery. An ED psychologist will be able to help you get to the bottom of the reassigns for your restriction.
it will be hard OP but let your daughter be your motivation. It is not unusual for someone with a restrictive ED to want to feed others.
Your husband is unlikely to know how to help you, but if he is willing, he could get advice from the ED unit too or various other support groups. Good luck OP. I hope you have some real life support too.

Is your daughter overweight or are you just thinking that because shes healthy and you starve yourself? What type of meals do you feed her. How old is she? And you need therapy not eating for days on end actually makes body go into starvation mode and hold onto any fat it gets. Plenty of veggies and protien.... filling but healthy and you will lose weight and not starve yourself.

I think a lot of people are taking this situation as they would themselves, as a mentally healthy person with a healthy attitude to food this really isn’t the same.

My sister has a lifelong eating disorder. She has married somebody who has an eating disorder. They understand each other quite well -if I’m honest 30 years on it’s difficult to remember whether he had a fully fledged eating disorder before he met her or whether or not she has given it to him through her behaviour over the years.

the point is they are now both fitness influencers. They have made their eating disorder their jobs and their whole personalities in order to control it -and it works to a great extent.
they go up and down a bit in health and recovery but neither of them are significantly underweight.
Their daughter has been brought up in a way that I wouldn’t like to bring my daughter up in -as in, been taking to exercise classes young, not being allowed certain foods, allowance is being made for her to have carbs but only things like vegetables and sweet potatoes.

It’s certainly not anything that you would get intervention for - it’s like the best outcome for two people in that situation and I can well believe the OP and her husband could have a similar family dynamic.

Firstly it’s good you’ve recognised there’s an issue. The first thing you need to do is speak with your GP about your disordered relationship with food. If you can, access some private therapy as it will be quicker than the nhs.

In the meantime use AI to ask what a healthy meal and snack plan is for your daughter. Ask it to pull together a shopping list for whatever supermarket you use. If you’re able you could try eating the same food. If it’s too much for you, just let your daughter eat that food.

It sounds more like pretty extreme anorexia tbh.

What's your BMI?

Are you seeing anyone about your eating issues? I think that’s probably the first step as it’s going to be difficult for you to support your daughter with food choices when you are viewing it from a disordered point of view. And also from what you’ve said you are eating you are at risk of developing serious health problems if it continues. Do you feel that you could discuss this with your partner or GP so they can support you with this?

OP this is really concerning and I totally feel for you. You are pushing your fears onto your child, you say she’s clinically overweight but not obese so that’s something. My child at ten was considered obese according to bmi but her build was muscular so she was always going to have a larger BMI than her peers. Overweight at ten isn’t something you or she ought to be worrying about and you need to stop before she develops your food related problems. She is at a stage where her hormones and physical growing will be all over the place and it plays havoc with weight for all girls at some point. Recognise this is a normal development phase. If she truly is overweight and problematically so she can grow into her weight (do not make her lose weight whatever you do) through sensible portions and a balanced diet. Do not restrict her food and don’t make an issue out of what she’s eating. She’s going to wonder why you suddenly change her diet. Don’t.

Portion control and normal childhood movements should be enough - this is what our nhs dietician told us for our daughter when our GP referred her. We were told she was a perfectly healthy normal little girl and she has grown into a perfectly healthy and normal young woman in perfect proportion and still with a higher BMI despite not looking at all overweight. She’s happy and we never made any issues with what she ate or eats.

You need to focus on your biggest problem, your health and mindset. You weigh less than your 10 year old child and yet you’re worrying about her? You need to focus on yourself and maybe get your husband more involved in both your recovery but also your daughter’s meals. Even if she’s eating pizzas and snacking it’s better than your diet. Let her be and fix yourself

It’s usually driven by anxiety and the inability to relax. Are you very stressed OP? Do you relax much? Take an hour out each day to eat otherwise you’ll end up having a cardiac arrest on the kitchen floor. Imagine your DD coming home to you in the middle of this or to find you dead? Please speak to your doctor immediately.

I think you need to get your DH on board and have the whole family eat together, daily.

I recommend "First Bite" by Bee Wilson. Lots of good advice on how to feed children and how to feed yourself. She had disordered eating too and really knows her stuff. Also her "This Is Not A Diet Book".

@rachelsroses This is not orthorexia- it's anorexia. I have a friend who was anorexic but managed to break out from it by becoming orthorexic. The difference is huge. She eats healthy (obviously) balanced meals with protein (fish, chicken, eggs, dairy, chick peas etc) carbs (Brown Rice, quinoa, bulgur, sourdough bread etc) and good fat (avocado, nuts, olive oil etc) and vegetables and fruit. I eat quite similar to her because I like to eat healthy but I def need dessert after and I do enjoy eating a pizza, gelato, chocolate as well.

The thing is you CAN be orthorectic and healthy- even though it might seem boring to an outsider. But with healthy meals your body gets all it needs - it's just the small pleasures that most of us "needs"that you reject.

You are starving yourself so please seek out help for your anorexia. Start with the GP.

For your daughter- you have to stop feeding her crap- it's not love. Good on you for recognising this. For my kids I try to have an approach that I will start by filling them up on healthy stuff (ex. Green beans, chicken and potatoes) and then I always give them a dessert (fruit youghurt/ strawberries/ cake/chocolate/sorbet/other - not all in one sitting!) Because it is a pleasure to give treats to your children but they need to have eaten their meal first so they are filled up with food their body needs to grow.

If I were you I would go see a dietician who can help you meal plan for your child and stick strictly to it. And if she's hungry between meals- always fruit. And you need help separetely for yourself in order to be healthy. 💗

She’s said her Y5 daughter wears age 13 or size 8-10 adult women’s closing. That’s not slim for a child who has just turned 10.

Unless that child is 4 foot 11, a tall 10 yr old in age 13 clothes is entirely healthy. My friend's daughter is 8 and very slim but needs 11-12 clothes for length, and when I say very slim I mean that, I don't mean distorted image of children's weight that people more these days I mean she is very slim, visible ribs, long legged and knock kneed and 142cm tall. OP is deliberately not mentioning her daughters real height

Thank you! This is exactly what I'm trying to say. I strongly suspect when OP says she has cheese and nuts she's having a couple of low fat baby bells and 5 almonds.