Eating through my daughter

[rachelsroses]

I was desperate for my daughter not to have my disordered eating that I’ve made her overweight by buying her all the things I don’t eat.
I have orthorexia and I buy all my forbidden foods for my daughter and now she is overweight.
I eat a healthy meal while she is at school and make a plate of my forbidden food for her for when she gets home.
I know it sounds ridiculous but I’ve only just realised what I’ve been doing and now I don’t know what to do because I don’t want her to have my restrictive diet but I also don’t know what is normal eating.

Is she definitely oberweight? Because I suspect your views are seriously warped

How old is your daughter OP?

I think you need to have a frank conversation with your DP and hand over the reins of managing your daughter's food and diet to him - I know he has some unhealthy habits but I'm assuming he does not also have disordered eating, but if he does obviously ignore me.

And then please seek help. See your GP or contact BEAT - they will help you. You're putting yourself at risk here.

Please speak to professionals about this.

I think how serious this is depends on what the foods on your forbidden list are that you feed to your daughter.
If it's pasta, potato, fruit etc. that's very different from if she is coming home and getting endless sweets, chocolate and crisps.
Are you certain she is overweight or is that just your perception.
You also REALLY need to open up to your partner about this. Your struggles could have a real impact on his daughter and it is wrong to keep him in the dark about it.

I just want to say I’m so glad you posted this here OP, you are going through so much

More than anything, your daughter needs a nourished mum. I hope you can find the way to the help you deserve on this.

sending massive hugs

What are you feeding your DD exactly?
How old is she? I think age is relevant to how you manage this.

Yes she is clinically overweight

Would you kindly sharing your meal
plan as I have a serious eating disorder too and my girls are picking up on it. I have adhd perimenopause and some days do not know what to eat or prepare so eat 6 packets of crisps, McDonald’s, yoghurt then nothing. It’s awful x

Definitely get some help with both the practicalities of cooking for your daughter and your emotions around feeding her and eating. It sounds as if you've been hiding this for years but your GP will be familiar with situations like this and glad you are asking for help, even if giving up the control you have with starvation seems scary. No-one's going to force immediate big changes on you. You've made two great steps in recognizing what's happening and then opening up on here. If you can open up to others in real life then that's even more progress.

With disordered eating yourself, your perceptions of ideal weight and diet for your daughter are likely to be a bit out. Can you give us an idea of her age and what she typically eats? If you know her weight, without making a big deal of weighing her, you can check her BMI here: https://www.nhs.uk/health-assessment-tools/calculate-your-body-mass-index/calculate-bmi-for-children-teenagers rather than just assuming she's overweight.

By how much, for her age and height, and has this been confirmed by a health care professional?

Your ed sounds extremely serious and ‘clinically overweight’ just coming from you is not an answer I feel I can trust.

You sound more like you have anorexia than orthorexia, but whatever it is you need professional help to address it.

How does your husband not know or care about any of this?

She is 10. She is 4 foot something and weighs 7 stone 3
I know this because she had to use the pod at the doctors as some medicine she needed based the dosage on weight.

OP you need serious help but this is child abuse.

Over feeding your child till they are overweight because of your own cravings for food.

Yes you must seek some help… from your GP, and any kind friend or family member.
I am amazed your husband hasn’t noticed as you must be incredibly tiny… has he never said anything? Anorexia can lead to organ failure and death, it is very serious.

So you never have family meals? You and your husband both have disordered eating. If you are serious about breaking the cycle you will (a) talk to your husband and a doctor about it, and (b) start making an effort to eat balanced meals together as a family. For example, a pizza should be shared and served with salad. Can you cook properly if you choose to?

Orthorexia might be eating salad with lean chicken for breakfast, drinking only water, eating a super food smoothie with lots of veg for lunch, only eating raw and organic, not eating anything processed ever for example, undereating by restricting your type of food.

What you are doing is seriously and secretively controlling your calorie intake to the point of almost definitely being malnourished and severely underweight.
.
You have anorexia not orthorexia.

Orthorexics are often very vocal and proud of their 'healthy ' food choices. Your eating is so disordered you hide it rather than be confronted by it.

You have anorexia not orthorexia.

Tell your husband

Seek help

Have you put this into a I calculator? And 4 foot what? Because my son is 4 foot 10 and not far off that weight and recently saw a paediatrician who was happy his height and weight match. 4 foot 10? Or 4 foot 2? Huge difference

What age range clothes is she wearing? My son is in 10-11 at that weight and height which is age appropriate if your child is the same?

She either wears 13-14 or adult size 8-10

You need to refer yourself to children’s social care so that oversight can be given as just because you are recognising it is harmful and owning your behaviours - it is still abuse. You are abusing your child and she needs help- you both do but she needs safeguarding also from physical and emotional abuse which she is experiencing
This is comparable to munchausens by proxy I would say

What height is she actually? 4 foot 2 or 4 foot 11?

And is she 10 as in just turned 10 or about to be 11?

You are feeding your child badly because of your own disordered eating

You are also now carastrophising about her weight which it is increasingly sounding like is only minimally overweight on the brink of starting periods etc? If you have her a healthy diet from now she'd be physically fine.

You're passing down so much disordered eating and body dysmorphia here though

And what about your own anorexia? What is your height and weight?

Rachel with the greatest kindness you need help.

First up for yourself, please make a drs appointment tomorrow & seek help for your anorexia.

even though it will be difficult you need to sit your husband down & have a conversation with him about it. You also need him to take over feeding your daughter.

I suspect that your daughter might not be overweight and that the food you are giving her is normal food that you view differently & your body issues are being projected.

can you give us an indication of what you are feeding her? Maybe the posters on here can give you some reassurance. If she really is overweight then leave that to hubby. thats really important because you need to get well & also ensure you do not project any more of it on your daughter.

well done for seeing that there is a problem, if you can ask for and accept the help, you will hopefully be able to recover

Just turned 10 (year 5 ) she weighs more than me now.
I always just thought she had her dads metabolism.

Yes exactly. I’m actually quite shocked and disgusted with all the PP acting like this isn’t a big deal and applauding the OP.

It’s child abuse!

If she's almost 11 years old, 4 foot 11 and weighs 7 stone 3 she's at the upper end of healthy on the 86th centile