Eating through my daughter

[rachelsroses]

I was desperate for my daughter not to have my disordered eating that I’ve made her overweight by buying her all the things I don’t eat.
I have orthorexia and I buy all my forbidden foods for my daughter and now she is overweight.
I eat a healthy meal while she is at school and make a plate of my forbidden food for her for when she gets home.
I know it sounds ridiculous but I’ve only just realised what I’ve been doing and now I don’t know what to do because I don’t want her to have my restrictive diet but I also don’t know what is normal eating.

It is an emergency when the mother is slowly starving to death, the father ignores it and the daughter is being regularly weighed.

It doesn’t sound like they have ever sat down together to enjoy a balanced meal and talked and laughed?
They need to start social eating so the husband can see what is going on and the daughter can learn to eat normally.

You have anorexia not orthorexia.
This is more important than you now. This is about your daughter. You need to put her first. You do this by:
Get to the doctor's, get a referral, start therapy. See a dietician.
In the meantime check out livinglifetothefull NHS CBT course online. It's free and accessible.

Eating disorders are miserable, you owe it to your daughter to sort this out. And no, I know it's not easy, but it will be worth it.

Ah, so he’s that word that escapes me, but is something like skinny-fat. My father was one of those. Workaholic. Skipped breakfast, ate a croissant at work late morning, skipped lunch, ate large quantities of roasted and salted peanuts when he got home. My mother complained he’d spoil his supper, but thankfully he always sat down for a proper evening meal with us. He was 6ft3 and skinny, but his diet took its toll anyway. Cancers, heart stents, etc. It’s a recipe for a painful old age.

I am autistic with a history of very disordered eating, varying across anorexia, bulimia, and for years have had mental lists of "forbidden" and "permitted" foods.

So I understand that the OP is probably dealing with a long history as best she can.
OP - can you adjust your "permitted" list so that it includes restrictions around healthy protein at two of three daily meals and 8 fruit/veg daily to be rotated into 30 different types per week? Can you add in a healthy grain type or two, maybe porridge with water at first? Can you add in restrictions around fibre to support gut health?
Can you force yourself to sit with your daughter and eat a meal?
Can you supplement your DDs meal with one complex carb even if you can't get that on your own permitted list?
I think the OP is never going to be a normal easy eater and the task at hand is around adapting her conscious controls to be more healthy for her and the family - sort of blending the two.

Op is eating little bits of nuts and cheese a few days a week, she is in active anorexia.

She can't make these changes alone in a sensible way for herself or her child. She needs proper, managed mental health help

You don’t know that. There are some similarities but also differences.

Everyone was kind to my friend, for 30 years. The state she is in and the relationship she has with her family, quite frankly, she might as well be dead. It angers me that when she was 5 stone, the heroin chic thing was in and it was actually said to her, by a nurse, I wished I looked like you. She will be put under a DNR, because at 59, she's too frail to resuscitate. Her veins are weak, so doubtful they could even get lines in.

And as for CBT!🙄

It is an emergency in that the daughter is at an age, pre puberty, where she might easily develop an eating disorder herself. It’s actually very likely, as there is a genetic link to EDs, plus the factors around her will compound that. Once her brain starts going into teenage meltdown, plus body changes, plus potential stress at school, plus social media, plus peer influence, this is a critical time to protect her. So I think it is an emergency.

Your posts are very concerning. In the OP you say you eat a healthy meal when your DD is at school, but in subsequent posts you give details of a diet that includes no healthy meals and several days a week when you eat nothing at all. Believe me, at the age of 10 your DD is well aware of your disordered eating. She has already absorbed some extremely damaging messages.

That doesn't mean all is lost, of course. You can turn things around. But it will take you and your DH being on the same page and completely overhauling your diet as a family. What do you think a weekly diet of healthy meals would look like?

ETA: As PPs have said, you will need specialist professional help. Please don't delay in seeking out that help.

Op I really feel for you. I think you need to seek help for your eating disorder from a professional.

My mum probably has orthorexia and it is very tiring to be around. But she does eat regular meals, they are just all very 'healthy' and tiny portions. But they're not really healthy as she isn't getting enough protein or fat to build her up. She is far too thin and obsessed with her diet and judges other people's choices all the time.

Given that you're barely eating anything at all are you sure that the foods you are actually feeding your daughter are unhealthy and that your judgement of her being overweight is correct? Have you calculated her bmi? The NHS website has a bmi calculator for children and it's also in the red book. That will give you a more accurate picture as to whether she is overweight.

It doesn't matter WHAT her husband is really because we are hearing about it through the warped lens of an eating disorder.

The point is she's referring to the fact she didn't see her daughter as overweight, her daughter looks slim, like her dad. You can eat badly but consume the right number for calories to not gain weight.

My husband seems like he eats A LOT. But is never overweight, I worked out his calories in a huff once when I couldn't lose weight and he eats 1700 calories a day, every day give or take 100 calories by just eating real food at sensible times. Blew me away.

Either way the point is op wasn't worried until she saw the weight of 7 stone 3 and not because her daughter is overweight but because she as an adult woman weighs less than that due to extreme lifelong anorexia

She states her diet consists of eating nothing 3/7 days then a small nightly snack the other days. No fruit or veg. That's anorexia not orthorexia

OP you are very unwell and need help. I have seen the devastating affects of anorexia on my mother. You will be at very high risk. Quite frankly I’d leave your daughter alone until you are in a better mentally. She is most likely about to hit puberty and is totally normal.

3 days a week: starvation (no food)
Thursday: a few slices of cheese and nuts (most likely less than 4-500 calories)
Friday: tin of tuna (200 calories)

You are probably eating a day’s worth of calories over an entire week and will be absolutely fucking up your body and your mind. You are not orthorexic and if your husband hasn’t tried to get you help and thinks your greedy he’s either blind or completely stupid.

Being horrible to her wouldn’t have changed that. Anorexia is a very difficult illlness and hard to control.

Not necessarily. When you have Anorexia it’s about controlling calories and fear of weight gain. Orthorexia is about the quality of food. Very few anorexics would eat cheese and nuts by choice in the evening. Cheese and nuts are calorie dense, you can eat a fair amount of calories snacking on cheese and nuts.

You need to speak to the doctor, try to be as honest as possible. 💐

Please gather your courage to see your GP 💐

Please seek help for this. My exh husband did exactly the same after he was diagnosed with T2 diabetes and could no longer eat those things for himself. So it was interesting to me to read of someone else doing it.

Fortunately we were separated by then so he only had control over her food EOW and one night in the week bit he'd also send her home with similar. She was young enough for me to just bin the stuff.

Please get some help.

What's your idea of forbidden foods OP? What is your dd eating?

I’d ask chat gpt for a healthy meal plan for your daughter and start as soon as possible. You don’t want to start her on a path to obesity but also without triggering a food disorder.

Cut out processed foods and give her fibre, protein, fruit, water and vegetables. So porridge/yoghurt/fruit/weetabix/bran flakes for breakfast. Sandwiches/toast/jacket potato for lunch with salad, with good yoghurt or muller rice pudding pots and fruit. Dinner can be anything with wholewheat and fibre e.g chicken curry with brown rice and mini naan, spaghetti bolognaise with added mushrooms. Brown pasta with tomato sauce, cheese and broccoli. Jacket potato with tuna and mayo and sweetcorn. If she wants a snack it can’t be crisps, offer pretzels or rice cakes (there are lovely flavours including some covered in a bit of chocolate!). Yoghurts, rice pudding/jelly pots/fruit pots are good too. Fruit and yoghurt are great for snacks. If she’s really hungry then a slice of buttered toast.

Do you want to see someone about your disordered eating? You could ask the GP for a referral. I was raised on an awful diet and became obese by age 10. people’s comments about my weight triggered an eating disorder where I starved myself often.

When I was a teenager, a lady taught me about healthy eating and it changed my life. Instead of swinging from bad foods to nothing, I replaced it with fruit, vegetables, salads, protein, fiber. For the first time I replaced all tea&pop with water. I felt amazing for the first time in forever. I’ve stuck to it for 30 years and my children are healthy. I wish you all the very best.

That’s not orthorexia. It sounds more like anorexia. You need help and support to conquer that (and it can be conquered). Try BEAT, the eating disorders charity. You owe it to your daughter to model good eating.

As to giving her ‘forbidden’ foods, that sounds like an extension of your unacknowledged hunger. Anorexia often has a non-food/weight issue behind it. Finding out what that could be in your case will help you too.

She’s not eating at all for 3 days and on some of the others having a couple of slices of cheese and some nuts. The slices of cheese I get are 78 calories each (156) and I’d bet good money she’s counting the nuts. The OP doesn’t sound like someone who is going to be eating a whole bag of pistachios. Yes these foods are calorie dense but they are not going to be sustaining an adult women in small quantities.

She is likely very unwell indeed especially as she doesn’t seem to eat any fruit or veg. It doesn’t really matter what the label is- she is currently a danger to herself.

I would definitely go to your GP but temper expectations. ED services have been eroded and the bar is incredibly high to be taken on by adult ED services ie often you need to be severely physically compromised. I’d open up to your husband and take him.

It very much depends if she’s actively calorie counting with a fear of calories and actively trying to lose weight etc. I’m not sure either of us can categorically speak for her. Only she knows.