Is this normal? If not what is it? DH related

[Annie2163]

Just tried discussing with DH about how many days would be feasible for me to reduce my work in terms of financially and he just said dismissed me and basically told me he doesn’t care. This is not the first time he’s done this he constantly shows me he doesn’t care about me and shows zero empathy when I talk to him about anything on my mind. I got upset and cried to which he started shouting at me. I told him I get more affection from the Tesco cashier who asks me how my day was! I’m feeling really upset as I feel I have gone through most of my married life (16 years) without any support, concern or empathy from my husband. I’ve stopped telling him things as I know his reaction will make me feel more upset but I really needed to talk to him today to discuss whether we can afford my reduction in hours.

He starts crying after our arguments which shows me he must have some empathy but only for himself. How can a normal conversation between a husband and wife about reducing work hours end up like this?

I just feel a normal husband would discuss this with his wife and try to understand that she needs some input rather than figuring things for himself, I get triggered when he does this because if I’m being honest he reminds me of my mum. My mum is not at all caring and supportive and is the last person I would ever call if I needed advice

Get thee to a solicitor asap. Don't tell him what you're up to. He's not your partner. You need to accept that he is who he is and he's done what he's done and that it's not working out for you, and for your children by default, to remain with him.

Action overcomes fear. I know you probably can't work out which way is up after years of this, and you're bewildered and can't remember who you are even, but shut your ears, open your eyes and take a small step every day in the direction you want to go.

There is help and advice out there. You're not the only one in this position, but you are the only one who can get yourself out of it. Accept the support and move on.

You've ended up marrying your mum
Divorce and seek therapy

Why on earth are you still with him? Is this a happy life for you and the kids? Keep your job and divorce him.

It is financial abuse OP. And he sounds horrible. Why would you stay with a man like that for 16 years?

Divorce him, take half and live your own life. It sounds like he doesn’t care about you at all. Life is too short to spend it with a man like that.

Sounds like you need to get rid of him.

" He starts crying after our arguments which shows me he must have some empathy but only for himself. How can a normal conversation between a husband and wife about reducing work hours end up like this? "

OP this sounds like a really disfunctional relationship but you already know that. Why do you assume the crying is empathy "only for himself"
Maybe its for a relationship he realises is failing, a relationship unfulfilled?

I do wonder about his side of the story, given he starts crying....Have you ever discussed his metal health? The pressure he has been feeling to carry the family finances, his and your expectations within the marriage,

Given the apparent resentment at contributing towards the children's costs, did you together decide how many children to have or was it your unilateral decision?

What was he like before the marriage; was it an arranged marriage?

It's easy for us to assume from your post on here that he's been unreasonable but we haven't seen your interaction. It's not always one sided.

On the basis of what you've told us, I would be done with this, but you've stayed. I would gather all relevant financial information, bank statements, pensions, insurances, property details and consult a solicitor.
Then make your decision.
Consider counselling if you jointly want to save your relationship given there are children to consider.

It all sounds really horrendous for you.

Why would you not want more financial independence and continue to work like you’re doing instead of reducing your hours though?

OP I think it's clear that you have chosen to stay in this relationship.

That's fine, it's your life, you are allowed to choose that.

Quite. Although perpetually moaning about it does get a bit silly when you’ve made a conscious decision to stay knowing what he’s like

This isn't a marriage.

You were advised to go back to work to earn your own money which you have done. The next step is to look at separating from him. Look at the entitiledto webpage to see what benefits a working single parent can claim. You would be financially MUCH better off on your own if he guards all his money.

What are you hoping to get from this thread, op?

Keep your hours as they are and start putting money away to leave him

Sounds like he's engaging in Findom.. where he is the slave of submissive of a woman and he pays them money he doesn't always need to include sex but it sounds like he's got a fetish way paying a woman money is giving him some sort of pleasure

How much longer are you willing to stay with someone who doesn't give a fuck about you?

This is your life and it'll stay like this until you leave.