Page 2 | Is this normal? If not what is it? DH related

Annie2163 · 2026-06-04T17:48:23+00:00

Just tried discussing with DH about how many days would be feasible for me to reduce my work in terms of financially and he just said dismissed me and basically told me he doesn’t care. This is not the first time he’s done this he constantly shows me he doesn’t care about me and shows zero empathy when I talk to him about anything on my mind. I got upset and cried to which he started shouting at me. I told him I get more affection from the Tesco cashier who asks me how my day was! I’m feeling really upset as I feel I have gone through most of my married life (16 years) without any support, concern or empathy from my husband. I’ve stopped telling him things as I know his reaction will make me feel more upset but I really needed to talk to him today to discuss whether we can afford my reduction in hours. He starts crying after our arguments which shows me he must have some empathy but only for himself. How can a normal conversation between a husband and wife about reducing work hours end up like this? I just feel a normal husband would discuss this with his wife and try to understand that she needs some input rather than figuring things for himself, I get triggered when he does this because if I’m being honest he reminds me of my mum. My mum is not at all caring and supportive and is the last person I would ever call if I needed advice

ArabellaWeird · 04/06/2026 19:52

Have you sought legal advice to work out what your options are?

crypticandmachiavellian · 04/06/2026 19:52

Annie2163 · 04/06/2026 18:59

Without giving too much away he’s a very high earner. I don’t contribute to anything financially but maternity leaves he would give me no money for food or nappies whilst booking expensive holidays! So money was never an issue and still isn’t. I work for my and my kids expenses. Before kids he would take half my wages , I only realised he’s a high earner later into our marriage. He’s never wanted a joint bank account and kept finances separate. Even if I quit work today it would make zero impact to him but would greatly affect me as I would have to use my credit card for petrol, food, kids clubs etc I wrote about him a lot during maternity leave under a different name and was told it was financial abuse and I was advised to go back to work, people less senior to him their wives have never worked a day in their lives and he earns more than them I know this as he tells me and I met 2 at Christmas event I went to years ago.

Edited

Great advice, you did the go back to work bit, now do the leave bit. He will not stop abusing you and you’ve managed to get yourself into a position where you can finance yourself and your kids without him, this is where you are able to leave him and make a life on your own which is free from his abuse.

Do you have access to any counselling assistance through work?

HellsBells13 · 04/06/2026 19:54

The questions you need to ask yourself are..
Are you in love with him, if so what is you love about him?
If you want to salvage this marriage would he agree to counselling?
I would ask him if he is in love with you, proper deep live. If he hesitates, then you have your answer..

Fiftyandme · 04/06/2026 19:56

You’re being financially abused.

Get your ducks in a row and divorce him

Pansykavalier · 04/06/2026 19:59

So you have posted about this shitty, abusive relationship before, but chose not to act on the advice given. Instead you are proposing to reduce your working hours and sabotage your career even more?

There is nothing anyone here can advise that will somehow turn your husband into a loving, caring partner. He is who he is and he won’t change. It’ll only get worse.

So, I would suggest being sensible and focus on your career and file for divorce. For one thing the divorce settlement is likely to leave you financially better off.

Check out Wikivorce and Divorce for Dummies, and make sure you have a clear idea of his pensions and other assets.

Totaldramallama · 04/06/2026 20:00

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 04/06/2026 19:12

Are you effing serious???

He brings in all the money
OP thinks about reducing her hours for some unspecified (not family related) reason ans he basically says "whatever you want to do".

That's not abusive.

And apparently he cries. Which could be a sign he's burnt out and feels that OP is not prepared to contribute even a small amount so he's stuck doing what he's doing.

That's the alternative way to look at this. 26 years of supporting someone financially (though OP is convinced she's had no support whatsoever in that time).

I feel there's a 2nd side to this story...

Show quote history

Good grief no idea how you got that from what she wrote. Some real mental gymnastics to avoid the man being in the wrong (which he is).

Passaggressfedup · 04/06/2026 20:00

This is not financial abuse when considering safeguarding. Her needs are met. The fact he doesn't want to share all his money doesn't constitute abuse. We really need to stop using this word every time someone doesn't get what they want.

Ultimately it comes down to, as others have asked, why you have stayed so long in a marriage that doesn't make you happy.

BreatheAndFocus · 04/06/2026 20:22

Annie2163 · 04/06/2026 18:59

Without giving too much away he’s a very high earner. I don’t contribute to anything financially but maternity leaves he would give me no money for food or nappies whilst booking expensive holidays! So money was never an issue and still isn’t. I work for my and my kids expenses. Before kids he would take half my wages , I only realised he’s a high earner later into our marriage. He’s never wanted a joint bank account and kept finances separate. Even if I quit work today it would make zero impact to him but would greatly affect me as I would have to use my credit card for petrol, food, kids clubs etc I wrote about him a lot during maternity leave under a different name and was told it was financial abuse and I was advised to go back to work, people less senior to him their wives have never worked a day in their lives and he earns more than them I know this as he tells me and I met 2 at Christmas event I went to years ago.

Edited

He doesn’t see you as his beloved wife, just as a necessary house-keeper and child provider. I’d never trust anyone who hid their money like this and who could sit there on their piles of money while their partner went out to work to get money to buy their children clothes.

He upsets you, he doesn’t care about you - why are you still with him? Say nothing yet. Do some research and find out his salary, where his savings are, etc etc, in case he tries to hide them, then, when you’re absolutely ready, divorce him and get your chunk of ‘his’ money. Not only will you be free, that will pay the uncaring, Scrooge-like little man back.

crypticandmachiavellian · 04/06/2026 20:57

Passaggressfedup · 04/06/2026 20:00

This is not financial abuse when considering safeguarding. Her needs are met. The fact he doesn't want to share all his money doesn't constitute abuse. We really need to stop using this word every time someone doesn't get what they want.

Ultimately it comes down to, as others have asked, why you have stayed so long in a marriage that doesn't make you happy.

When she was on maternity leave he refused to buy food or nappies for the babies, but booked holidays. Is that needs being met? On paper maybe as OP could finance these herself (presumably from her savings) but when there is a huge discrepancy in income and one part of the married couple and their children are living a completely different lifestyle because he refuses to contribute to family finances, while lying about his earnings, I don’t think it’s as cut and dried as “needs are being met”.

worldshottestmom · 04/06/2026 21:00

Annie2163 · 04/06/2026 18:59

Without giving too much away he’s a very high earner. I don’t contribute to anything financially but maternity leaves he would give me no money for food or nappies whilst booking expensive holidays! So money was never an issue and still isn’t. I work for my and my kids expenses. Before kids he would take half my wages , I only realised he’s a high earner later into our marriage. He’s never wanted a joint bank account and kept finances separate. Even if I quit work today it would make zero impact to him but would greatly affect me as I would have to use my credit card for petrol, food, kids clubs etc I wrote about him a lot during maternity leave under a different name and was told it was financial abuse and I was advised to go back to work, people less senior to him their wives have never worked a day in their lives and he earns more than them I know this as he tells me and I met 2 at Christmas event I went to years ago.

Edited

Why the fuck have you not divorced him yet

Passaggressfedup · 04/06/2026 21:08

When she was on maternity leave he refused to buy food or nappies for the babies, but booked holidays. Is that needs being met?
Who knows! Maybe the agreement was that maternity allowance was supposed to be used to buy happy but OP used it to buy herself designer clothes.

The point is that from what OP was written, it is nowhere enough to ascertain that she is/was financial abused.

LetsSkipToNextChapter · 04/06/2026 21:21

Annie2163 · 04/06/2026 18:59

Without giving too much away he’s a very high earner. I don’t contribute to anything financially but maternity leaves he would give me no money for food or nappies whilst booking expensive holidays! So money was never an issue and still isn’t. I work for my and my kids expenses. Before kids he would take half my wages , I only realised he’s a high earner later into our marriage. He’s never wanted a joint bank account and kept finances separate. Even if I quit work today it would make zero impact to him but would greatly affect me as I would have to use my credit card for petrol, food, kids clubs etc I wrote about him a lot during maternity leave under a different name and was told it was financial abuse and I was advised to go back to work, people less senior to him their wives have never worked a day in their lives and he earns more than them I know this as he tells me and I met 2 at Christmas event I went to years ago.

Edited

If you work to fund yourself and kids and DH covers the bills entirely but you know he won’t give you money for food or nappies, then you didn’t really need his input when working out your sums for reducing your days.

He didn’t care as it doesn’t affect him, so he told you he didn’t care, basically do what you want to do.

Maybe he’s not good with words, but he could have meant, do whatever makes you happy. My husband usually says this to me.

ClayPotaLot · 04/06/2026 21:50

I wrote about him a lot during maternity leave under a different name and was told it was financial abuse and I was advised to go back to work,

OP, the point of going back to work was so that you could leave him, not so that you could stay for him to abuse you for another 5 years.

Try to get as much paperwork as you can related to his financial situation, go talk to a solicitor and then leave him. Do not lower your financial capacity right now. Get rid of the dead weight. When you see what's what financially you can decide how much you need to work.

Golden407 · 04/06/2026 22:14

Totaldramallama · 04/06/2026 20:00

Good grief no idea how you got that from what she wrote. Some real mental gymnastics to avoid the man being in the wrong (which he is).

Show quote history

The threshold for financial abuse for many on mumsnet seems to be not getting whatever you want as soon as you demand it. I’d love to hear the other side of this story

Tahlbias · 04/06/2026 22:54

Wow... OP, I would take steps to leave him. He is financially and emotionally abusing you, you deserve better.

JLou08 · 04/06/2026 23:10

Annie2163 · 04/06/2026 18:59

Without giving too much away he’s a very high earner. I don’t contribute to anything financially but maternity leaves he would give me no money for food or nappies whilst booking expensive holidays! So money was never an issue and still isn’t. I work for my and my kids expenses. Before kids he would take half my wages , I only realised he’s a high earner later into our marriage. He’s never wanted a joint bank account and kept finances separate. Even if I quit work today it would make zero impact to him but would greatly affect me as I would have to use my credit card for petrol, food, kids clubs etc I wrote about him a lot during maternity leave under a different name and was told it was financial abuse and I was advised to go back to work, people less senior to him their wives have never worked a day in their lives and he earns more than them I know this as he tells me and I met 2 at Christmas event I went to years ago.

Edited

That explains why he doesn't care about what hours you work. It will have zero impact on him because your money is separate.
It does sound like financial abuse. You also sound very unhappy so I think continuing to work full time and leaving him would be the best option. If that doesn't feel viable for you right now, maybe try and approach the conversation by telling him you can't sustain working the hours you do and taking care of the children and the home (from the sounds of home, I'm assuming all that is on you) so you want to know how much money he can give you a month to replace the lost income.

GOATYOAT · 05/06/2026 00:19

Recognise this man is an emotionally-stunted, abusive, financially-controlling cunt. Divorce him, but not until you get a shit hot lawyer and take him for every penny you can get. I would make it my mission to part him from as much of his carefully squirrelled away money as possible. Do not stay with this man- wtf are you still there?

Nimblebinble · 05/06/2026 01:14

Sounds like you have ended up with a ‘D’H that treats you like your mum did. Familiar isn’t necessarily good unfortunately. Therapy could help you, but sadly this relationship doesn’t sound like it will improve. All the best

Mumtobabyhavoc · 05/06/2026 02:03

GOATYOAT · 05/06/2026 00:19

Recognise this man is an emotionally-stunted, abusive, financially-controlling cunt. Divorce him, but not until you get a shit hot lawyer and take him for every penny you can get. I would make it my mission to part him from as much of his carefully squirrelled away money as possible. Do not stay with this man- wtf are you still there?

Yep.

Original poster

Annie2163 · 05/06/2026 06:31

He’s very secretive about his bank account. I haven’t slept all night. I want to share something else as well which I’m worried will be identifying but I have no one to talk to. I found really sick emails from him sent to women asking to be their “financial slave”. I never heard of it but MN told me it’s an actual fetish. It really hurt me that he was giving money to these women he never met whilst I was struggling. Lol to the poster who said “op might be spending her money on designer” I drive a 15 year old fiesta and my wardrobe is full of primark and George clothes!

I feel really upset and can’t talk to people in real life as this will be so much gossip for them. To this day I don’t know how much money he spent on these women. He told me a few thousand but I don’t believe him. I don’t even know if he’s still doing it as his bank statements don’t come here. I have kept evidence of the emails and exchanges btw. He doesn’t know.

OP posts:

INeedAnotherName · 05/06/2026 08:14

Are you going to contact Women's Aid and/or make a plan to leave?

He is not going to change OP so realistically you have two choices:
Stay, and keep getting abused by him.
Leave, and have a better life.

zen1 · 05/06/2026 08:31

Unless you leave him, nothing will change. Surely you and your children deserve better?

LetsSkipToNextChapter · 05/06/2026 09:57

Annie2163 · 05/06/2026 06:31

He’s very secretive about his bank account. I haven’t slept all night. I want to share something else as well which I’m worried will be identifying but I have no one to talk to. I found really sick emails from him sent to women asking to be their “financial slave”. I never heard of it but MN told me it’s an actual fetish. It really hurt me that he was giving money to these women he never met whilst I was struggling. Lol to the poster who said “op might be spending her money on designer” I drive a 15 year old fiesta and my wardrobe is full of primark and George clothes!

I feel really upset and can’t talk to people in real life as this will be so much gossip for them. To this day I don’t know how much money he spent on these women. He told me a few thousand but I don’t believe him. I don’t even know if he’s still doing it as his bank statements don’t come here. I have kept evidence of the emails and exchanges btw. He doesn’t know.

Oh this is bad. I take back my previous post. He actually doesn’t care.

A few thousand to women he doesn’t know. It’s probably more and he’s dumbing down the figure. He has real issues and doesn’t respect your marriage at all.

Well done for keeping the emails, it’s time to see a divorce lawyer.

HHCrochetDiva · 05/06/2026 10:03

So do you have access to joint finances for food at all? Can you start getting cash back at the checkout and stashing it in another account. You need to speak to Women’s Aid and start figuring out how to leave. Even if he hides stuff from you he can’t deny his basic employment status so you should still be able to get that information and at a minimum 50% of the house.

ERthree · 05/06/2026 10:06

Please don't lose another day of your life to this vile man.