To feel like I’m 13 again feeling excluded?

[ScullyD]

I decided to go back to uni as a mature student last year. I won’t go into detail in case of recognition but it’s something where at the end of it I hoped I might meet like minded people to set up a company with if I was lucky.

I met lots of people I get on with casually, but two in particular I hit it off with, Robin and Kay. We became close friends. A few months ago we had a group assessment and Robin asked me to work with her, Kay and 3 other women were friends with. We were all aligned on our pitch and got a high mark, and said we should make the idea a reality after graduation.

Now it turns out Kay and Robin have launched their own company doing exactly what I hoped and I’m gutted. Other people on the course sent lots of good luck etc messages to the group chat we’re on when they announced it and I noticed that none of the other women from the original assessment said anything either. So I’m assuming they also feel left out.

AIBU to question whether I want to remain close after this? Am I being pathetic? Maybe I’m being petty but it’s showed me we’re not that close and would’ve loved to be part of it. Unless I’m prepared to support them while being upset and leaving my pride out of it…

I’ll let myself feel the hurt for a minute then harden myself against it. They’re helping each other get on in the industry by doing this and have chosen to leave others behind. It feels calculated to me which is hard to ignore for ‘friendship’. Thanks for letting me vent!

If one of the founders has messaged for a chat (as I think you said a few posts ago) maybe they want to invite you to join?

I wouldn’t be helping them with the events you mentioned if that’s not the case.

@SoScarletItWas she wasn’t messaging about that.

the question is do I attend their opening event in a few months or not? I think it would look petty not to go (to them) and make my feelings crystal clear. Or do I go to give the impression of support to check it out…

You don't leave it until then to find out which bits of your IP they're using. I would message the woman you bumped into and ask her directly are any of your ideas being deployed because they need your permission to use your IP.

I wouldn’t go. When I was younger I always covered up my upset. You end up getting treated like a mug because people know you won’t do or say anything.

Now I would always be honest, every time. I’d reply to the message and say “I have to know, why were me and other woman left out?” and I would wish them well but not be hovering around and supporting them.

@OriginalUsername2 yeah. My concern is that by attending I’m saying I’m fine with it when I’m not and hiding the hurt.

At the same time I don’t really feel like giving them the satisfaction of knowing I feel upset - that is to say I no longer feel I can trust them, so now I feel like if I tell one person the rest will hear about it. But if I do ignore it and don’t attend, I’m saying I won’t support you and won’t expect your support in future either. So if I make that decision, I need to be happy with having all friendships end really.

There’s no need to be embarrassed about feeling shit about this. Anyone would. It’s a valid reaction. Personally I would have to ask so I didn’t wonder about it for years to come!

Now Robin and Kay know you know, they'll have to address it, or it would be weird otherwise. What are you going to say to them?

I don’t understand the whole course/business connection but you really need to step back and understand you don’t have a ‘right’ to be included in anything, it’s up to you to process and accept that.

I don’t blame you for feeling like that - you only have to see friendship threads to see that many women haven’t mastered this, well into middle/old age.

But for your own sake you need to step back. It doesn’t matter. Adult relationships don’t come with an obligation in the same way that we try to make school relationships.

@Passingthrough123 it’s already weird. They happily announced it not thinking me or the other person might be hurt by it. Where’s their self awareness?

I don’t think I want this group to know I’m upset and I don’t feel I can continue to have close friendships with Robin and Kay now. Standing there yesterday with the other woman telling me how exciting it all was made me feel stupid. I’ll feel a bit shit this weekend then pull myself together.

We are the main characters in our own lives. They may not have known you would be upset or they may have done it deliberately - who knows.

They aren’t responsible for you being so upset by this. You have to find a way to deal with this kind of thing for your own sake. Even if it was deliberate slight - so what?

I said before about children being made to include everyone even if they didn’t like them. And I really believe this is the result.

People often see the best in others which is lovely but (probably because I’m AuDHD) I have never found that to be productive. I make a judgement very quickly and stick with that.

Not everyone will be ‘kind’ to you. Some people will dislike you for apparently no reason. People won’t care for your feelings. Some will appear to be nice but be stabbing you in the back.

Now is a good time to come to terms with that and develop a way to accept that.

The other woman must've assumed they'd had the decency to tell you and I imagine she's relayed it back to them by now. I don't blame you for wanting to create some distance.

Definitely wallow this weekend, but do think about next steps. You haven't answered what a few of us have asked – are you going to find out what work of yours they've incorporated into their business and will you take steps to protect your IP?

@Passingthrough123 I think you’re right because she started off saying I’m really excited about this new venture etc as though I knew, and I said what do you mean? As I say, she looked sheepish telling me, which says something.

Well I’m assuming they won’t use any of my work for their business because that would be outrageous! I think I need to let it go for my mental wellbeing.

It would be outrageous – but if they've done this behind your back already, it's pretty obvious they're using it. Otherwise why the secrecy. I get why you want to let go for your MH, but think about it: if you don't question the use of your IP now, what happens if you try to launch a similar business? They could accuse you of copying them. I would definitely discuss it with your tutor to see what they think. It could be that the tutor asks them whose work they are using and tells them they shouldn't be using any other students' IP without their explicit permission. Then it's up to you whether you give it or not.

Completely absurd - it was neither inconsiderate nor bullying. Other girls would invite their closet group of friend for regular sleepovers and I wouldn’t complain or feel excluded.

Why is it bullying for me and my closest friends to have a little club that was probably inspired by some book or other we had read?

She was friendly with us but she wasn’t part of that friendship group. There were plenty of other girls she could have set up her own club with if that’s what she wanted.

We spoke about it in school, and there were no secret places to go and were like 11, so yes it’s possible that someone may overhear, but it’s not like 5 of us were sat on a table at lunch and 4 of us were in a club talking about it.

I wonder how some people even function if they can’t handle people in a class setting forming smaller groups? Absolutely no one else in the class was bothered or desperate to join our club btw.

And to add to my previous message, in another the school I went to a bunch of girls made a sort of tribute band/club for Take That ingeniously named “take that”.

I wasn’t invited but I was absolutely fine despite being a take that fan myself. I was friends with some of the girls but I understood the girl who set it up and whose room was used for practice was closest to the 4 other girls she invited. We would hear them organising the details and sometimes practices were at lunch time.

I also had 3 best friends I used to play football with every other day after school. “Take that” weren’t invited to that and that was fine also.

We were all 9 and absolutely no-one was offended in any of these situations.

club at school for only a few of you, selected by that small few

@ScullyD So if it were a bigger club that included most of the class you think that would be better? Lol.

And yes of course we self-selected. Who did you think should be selecting? Should we have put it to a democratic class vote?

Honestly I find this all so bizarre and strange . Not Op, but you.

If children and/or their parents cannot handle smaller social groups being formed within a large group by age 8/9 upwards, they have a lot of learning and growth to do.

As I said I do feel there can be bullying if a whole class minus one or two is invited for example but that’s not what I’m talking about.

Sorry I didn’t mean to tag you @ScullyD ! I meant to tag @Surreyblah