To feel like I’m 13 again feeling excluded?

[ScullyD]

I decided to go back to uni as a mature student last year. I won’t go into detail in case of recognition but it’s something where at the end of it I hoped I might meet like minded people to set up a company with if I was lucky.

I met lots of people I get on with casually, but two in particular I hit it off with, Robin and Kay. We became close friends. A few months ago we had a group assessment and Robin asked me to work with her, Kay and 3 other women were friends with. We were all aligned on our pitch and got a high mark, and said we should make the idea a reality after graduation.

Now it turns out Kay and Robin have launched their own company doing exactly what I hoped and I’m gutted. Other people on the course sent lots of good luck etc messages to the group chat we’re on when they announced it and I noticed that none of the other women from the original assessment said anything either. So I’m assuming they also feel left out.

AIBU to question whether I want to remain close after this? Am I being pathetic? Maybe I’m being petty but it’s showed me we’re not that close and would’ve loved to be part of it. Unless I’m prepared to support them while being upset and leaving my pride out of it…

I can see why that stings, but is there any reason you can't do similar with the other women from the group? Set up your own version if some or all of them are keen? Robin and Kay don't have exclusive rights to do this, and you don't owe them any loyalty.

Whats stopping you doing the same either solo or with some of the 3 others?

I'd also say from a business context being mates isnt always helpful.

Fwiw I wasnt a mature student. You sound way closer to your classmates than I ever was

I had really hoped and thought I would have done it with them if anyone and they are the people I would’ve chosen to do this with. You mention others, I’m not sure for now.

I do find myself wondering why they didn’t ask me and yes it does sting. I find it hard to imagine keeping up friendships with them when being a good friend will be showing an active interest in how this is going for them. Hard to do when I wanted to be part of it.

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp will likely be harder solo and not just financially. I’m not ruling out if it’s the only option.

Did you talk to them about you wanting to do this then they did it without you?

We all said as a group that we should try and make our pitch work after uni and received feedback about it. They are also leading with a company byline which is very similar to the one we came up with.

to my mind they’ve chosen not to include some people for whatever reason. At school I was excluded from something similar on a smaller scale by friends, it’s horrid that those emotions can still be dug up 20 years later!

When I think about I suppose it simply makes me feel they don’t like me that much. Even though they both still talk to me regularly.

Yes, this must sting @ScullyD . Your feelings make complete sense.

Perhaps they decided that fewer people on the project would be more sensible - the more people you go into business with, the more complicated it can get.

That doesn't mean it's any easier for you, but perhaps an explanation of why they didn't want to do it as a big group with everyone.

I particularly understand what you are saying about maintaining friendships at this point being difficult. I guess you have three options - 1) Talk to them about why they did it and explain how you feel, and try to save the friendship, 2) Try to somehow remain friends without ever discussing it, 3) Gradual fade from the friendship.

If they are important to you (and it sounds like they are), then I would at least try option 1 to know you gave it a go at saving the friendship. Sometimes when you communicate clearly, people surprise you - you will never know until you talk to them properly. Requires being a bit vulnerable with them so it's hard, but if you're going to lose the friendship anyway, what have you got to lose?

Option 2 will just build gradual resentment so probably won't work, and option 3 is sad without making an effort.

Sorry you are going through this.

So, they stole your idea? Kinda like the FB story? 🤔

Did they use your ideas or was it all in collaboration?
Have you asked them, not in an aggressive way, why they chose to start the business you had discussed without asking if you would like to be a part of it?
It is always hard to feel left out but if you asked and were given a bit of clarity, you might be able to move on and know whether to maintain a friendship or not.

Perhaps they like you as a friend but not as a business partner? I have a lot of friends I wouldn't go into business with. In business you have to make hard-headed, unemotional decisions based on the bottom line; you can't bring personal feelings into it.

It sounds as if Robyn or R& K took the lead in putting the group together as R asked you to join for the uni assignment. So it was sort of their initiative, and now again, rather than exclude you exactly , they have moved fast and just done it.

A group of 6 could have been very tricky as an equal start up.

I think it is ‘they did it together’ rather than pro actively excluding you.

Which doesn’t mean they don’t like you. Especially since you are still in touch socially.

Who came up with the by line?

You mention being a mature student, are Robin and Kay closer in age? Would they feel closer because of their life stage?

Ask them direct (not in the group chat) if you can get in? Don’t just sit there stewing in resentment.

’Hey R&K, great to see our project taking flight in the real world! It was great working together and you remember I was shit hot at the Counting Widgets part of the plan. Would love to discuss whether there’s scope for me to join the company and bring my widget counting expertise - we’d be unstoppable as a trio.’

I feel like if you wanted to start a business with these people, you should have been more proactive and taken a lead.

It's easy to talk idly about it - what steps did you take to try and make it happen?

I think you need to talk to them about this. If you’re going into business you need to learn very VERY quickly that this isn’t personal. It’s business.

I can imagine this stings.

just out of interest, who owns the IP rights to this business idea / strap line etc.

This. I would set up a business with one other driven person, not a group of six. And it sounds like they asked you to join them rather than you and one other being the initial group. So I don't think they don't like you, they are just cracking on and are possibly more realistic about how to make it work long term. They might also have funds available now for instance to plough into it as you mention costs.

When I've been in similar situations it's been the IP of the Uni or workplace.

Totally agree with this. Just put your pride aside and ask if you can get involved! Pitch yourself to them!

Is it an MBA? If so, my DH did one and the people on it were often absolutely savage and cutthroat which is precisely what you’d expect from someone doing this sort of course to be frank. The whole premise of it is to learn how to get very, very rich- no other reason to do it plus unless your employer is paying (as DH’s did) it also means you’ve got a casual 30-100k going spare at home to fund it…

My guess is they saw something in one another’s business potential but this didn’t expand out to the others in the group. They also probably thought it would get diluted and messy the more people were involved.

This is a really natural (and actually biological!) reaction. Highly recommend Secure by Amir Levine which unpacks why we feel excluded and how to deal with it. Such an easy read and has been transformative for me. Quick summary here
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2026/apr/20/the-emotional-security-secret-how-to-get-healthier-happier-and-have-stronger-relationships

Its about affinities, they think you are too old or assertive or confident or already have DC, so other commitments or not the image they want, also 2 partners is better than 3.
They may have been meeting & discussing this for a while.
Its life, some just people “click”..

All chatting about how we should set up a company is very different to actually going ahead and setting it up. And at that point it really comes down to who you are very close to and really trust. Or perhaps some serendipity where they happen to have a coffee together and they just went for it. And once you start setting up a small company, you don’t chat to everyone else about it, you keep quiet and really focus.

Right now nothing is stopping you going to them and saying actually I was really interested in doing this and I’d love to /\be part of this. Any chance?

I have to confess to me your reaction smacks of immaturity. It is not a robust and resilient response. Have they picked up on some of that in you? I am a small business owner and if I left someone out or wanted to stop working with them, it wouldn’t be anything to do with Playground politics but it would be a decision around what did I think that person could bring and offer the business. And if someone who was good and I trusted came to me and said they want to be part of it, I would be really open-minded to it.

If the project was carried out as a university piece, doesn’t it remain the intellectual property of the university?

You could ask them why they didn't ask you?
It's quite ballsy but what have you got to lose?
Before you do this, just have a think about what you would do with the information they give you - will it be of use to you?