To feel like I’m 13 again feeling excluded?

[ScullyD]

I decided to go back to uni as a mature student last year. I won’t go into detail in case of recognition but it’s something where at the end of it I hoped I might meet like minded people to set up a company with if I was lucky.

I met lots of people I get on with casually, but two in particular I hit it off with, Robin and Kay. We became close friends. A few months ago we had a group assessment and Robin asked me to work with her, Kay and 3 other women were friends with. We were all aligned on our pitch and got a high mark, and said we should make the idea a reality after graduation.

Now it turns out Kay and Robin have launched their own company doing exactly what I hoped and I’m gutted. Other people on the course sent lots of good luck etc messages to the group chat we’re on when they announced it and I noticed that none of the other women from the original assessment said anything either. So I’m assuming they also feel left out.

AIBU to question whether I want to remain close after this? Am I being pathetic? Maybe I’m being petty but it’s showed me we’re not that close and would’ve loved to be part of it. Unless I’m prepared to support them while being upset and leaving my pride out of it…

You need to separate friendships and business. They are still your friends but have chose to go into business as a twosome.

I personally wouldn’t set up business with a group but just one other person to make a partnership. You have to trust that person implicitly. They did it together. There’s nothing stopping you from setting up your own business. You could reach out to someone you trust from the group?

You have catapulted yourself back 20 years and feel as you did then but you are now a mature woman with agency. What options do you have now:

Proactively pitch to them what you could bring to the partnership?
Go for it on your own or with one of the other ladies.
Skulk round the sidelines being a victim?

The friendships may or may not continue. You have agency there too.

Take back some control rather than handing it to others.

You need to separate friendd & business. They are your friends but didn’t want to go into business with you for numerous reasons. Unfortunately you need to accept it and get on with life. If they wanted you in the business they would of brought you in already.

It sounds like they used all of you for your ideas and expertise. Yes, I'd be upset too. They have been mercenary.

yes it sting i get it and i would feel the same.

if you cant accept “rejection”, you re not resilient enough YET to go into business.

it s tough. Seriously tough to be a small business owner.
I always wanted a partner, found one… only for her to let me down and give up mid project.
i was ready to finish the project, pack up and go.

but 2 other friends propped me up, And pushed and supported me to do it alone. 5 yrs later i couldnt be happier. But it s tough emotionally and physically to carry everything on your own shoulders from delivery to customer satisfaction, to make sure trades are paid on time so they want to work with you, to create, to vat return, etc.

if this is breaking you, being a business owner is worth.

dont victimise yourself, take it to grow.

The dynamic would be all wrong if you were involved Op. I guess you are around 20 years older than the other two. Priorites and perceptions are your problem. First off perception - people would think it's your company and focus their talk to you in business meetings. Plus R and K are piers, they would probably be worried that an older partner may assume so sort of seniority.
Priorities - they are both young and can give all of their time towards making the company successful. Can you? This will be the most important thing in their lives, could you say the same?
I am surprised you ever really thought that this dynamic had legs.

Harsh as it may sound, they’ve got on and launched the business whilst you’ve been saying you’d like to but don’t appear to have acted on that. Maybe that’s the issue, to be successful it needs a go getting attitude.
If you feel fired up by this then set up your own business and be more successful! Sounds like you have the ideas. You need to put them into practise.

Haven’t RTFT so somebody may already have said this but it sounds like you were planning to do the same to the other members of the group!

Is there more to this (previous issues with being left out, bullying, self esteem etc)? I only ask because these kind of things are rarely as dramatic as they feel.

People say lots of things they don’t mean and it’s rarely personal. Things like ‘we must go for coffee sometimes’.

If they were standard aged students, then as much as they like you and respect you, it might not be the dynamic they are looking for. Do you have partner/kids? That could also have a bearing on their choices. Or they just got carried away and went with it.

I think approaching them makes it a ‘thing’ which won’t help you or them, Whatever the reason lol they didn’t include you, it’s not going to make you feel any better, is it? It just puts the dynamic on a permanently even more awkward footing.