To feel like I’m 13 again feeling excluded?

[ScullyD]

I decided to go back to uni as a mature student last year. I won’t go into detail in case of recognition but it’s something where at the end of it I hoped I might meet like minded people to set up a company with if I was lucky.

I met lots of people I get on with casually, but two in particular I hit it off with, Robin and Kay. We became close friends. A few months ago we had a group assessment and Robin asked me to work with her, Kay and 3 other women were friends with. We were all aligned on our pitch and got a high mark, and said we should make the idea a reality after graduation.

Now it turns out Kay and Robin have launched their own company doing exactly what I hoped and I’m gutted. Other people on the course sent lots of good luck etc messages to the group chat we’re on when they announced it and I noticed that none of the other women from the original assessment said anything either. So I’m assuming they also feel left out.

AIBU to question whether I want to remain close after this? Am I being pathetic? Maybe I’m being petty but it’s showed me we’re not that close and would’ve loved to be part of it. Unless I’m prepared to support them while being upset and leaving my pride out of it…

You need to separate friendships and business. They are still your friends but have chose to go into business as a twosome.

I personally wouldn’t set up business with a group but just one other person to make a partnership. You have to trust that person implicitly. They did it together. There’s nothing stopping you from setting up your own business. You could reach out to someone you trust from the group?

You have catapulted yourself back 20 years and feel as you did then but you are now a mature woman with agency. What options do you have now:

Proactively pitch to them what you could bring to the partnership?
Go for it on your own or with one of the other ladies.
Skulk round the sidelines being a victim?

The friendships may or may not continue. You have agency there too.

Take back some control rather than handing it to others.

You need to separate friendd & business. They are your friends but didn’t want to go into business with you for numerous reasons. Unfortunately you need to accept it and get on with life. If they wanted you in the business they would of brought you in already.

It sounds like they used all of you for your ideas and expertise. Yes, I'd be upset too. They have been mercenary.

yes it sting i get it and i would feel the same.

if you cant accept “rejection”, you re not resilient enough YET to go into business.

it s tough. Seriously tough to be a small business owner.
I always wanted a partner, found one… only for her to let me down and give up mid project.
i was ready to finish the project, pack up and go.

but 2 other friends propped me up, And pushed and supported me to do it alone. 5 yrs later i couldnt be happier. But it s tough emotionally and physically to carry everything on your own shoulders from delivery to customer satisfaction, to make sure trades are paid on time so they want to work with you, to create, to vat return, etc.

if this is breaking you, being a business owner is worth.

dont victimise yourself, take it to grow.

The dynamic would be all wrong if you were involved Op. I guess you are around 20 years older than the other two. Priorites and perceptions are your problem. First off perception - people would think it's your company and focus their talk to you in business meetings. Plus R and K are piers, they would probably be worried that an older partner may assume so sort of seniority.
Priorities - they are both young and can give all of their time towards making the company successful. Can you? This will be the most important thing in their lives, could you say the same?
I am surprised you ever really thought that this dynamic had legs.

Harsh as it may sound, they’ve got on and launched the business whilst you’ve been saying you’d like to but don’t appear to have acted on that. Maybe that’s the issue, to be successful it needs a go getting attitude.
If you feel fired up by this then set up your own business and be more successful! Sounds like you have the ideas. You need to put them into practise.

Haven’t RTFT so somebody may already have said this but it sounds like you were planning to do the same to the other members of the group!

Is there more to this (previous issues with being left out, bullying, self esteem etc)? I only ask because these kind of things are rarely as dramatic as they feel.

People say lots of things they don’t mean and it’s rarely personal. Things like ‘we must go for coffee sometimes’.

If they were standard aged students, then as much as they like you and respect you, it might not be the dynamic they are looking for. Do you have partner/kids? That could also have a bearing on their choices. Or they just got carried away and went with it.

I think approaching them makes it a ‘thing’ which won’t help you or them, Whatever the reason lol they didn’t include you, it’s not going to make you feel any better, is it? It just puts the dynamic on a permanently even more awkward footing.

Also - it’s literally business not personal.

I don’t know how old you are but people will leave you out at all stages of your life - do yourself and favour and don’t waste your mental bandwidth on it.

It’s usually done for a reason (often random) and for all the people saying ask them etc. if you struggle with your self esteem enough to be bothered (as apparently people do), the answer will either be a lie or will make you feel worse.

not sure why people get the impression I’m so much older but I’m the same age as Robin and Kay is 5 years younger than both of us.

at the start me and Robin felt a close affinity and had similar life trajectories personally and in business. She said we need to stick together. I know I need to get over this but I feel excluded from an exciting venture.

People suggested pitching to them…maybe. But now there’s this dynamic that I’d be asking them to take me on rather than doing it together at day dot. I’ll see!

Because you mentioned being a mature student - that can be any age.

Just leave it and set yourself up. What would you have to gain from anything else? Life is too short for these kind of things. I get it’s disappointing but that’s how people are. It doesn’t stop you doing what you want to do with your business, you are clearly more than capable

They got on and did it.

You could equally have got on and done it with or without them from the off. What were you waiting for?

I understand why you feel that way, I'd be hurt too. However, business and friendship are two completely different things and they are best kept separate. This could have been the best thing for you. I wouldn't take it personally. I'm not a businesses person but i think 5 friends setting up a business sounds like a recipe for disaster. Maybe the two setting it up realised that themselves.
Set something up solo and keep it separate from your private life.

But it's not as though they aren't already aware of that! They knew she was in the group and expressed an interest. Begging for a job is just going to make her sound desperate.

It's not like the project was in their first year, an off-hand mention then they graduated, got jobs, life happened etc. It was only a few months ago!

OP is (or thought she was) good friends with these people, presumably they've spent a lot of time chatting together about what they will do with their qualification/after the course finishes or even just general plans for the year (kids, house, holidays) all of which would often be impacted by a fairly huge decision like starting up your own company!

They must have had a certain amount of discussion and planning between the two of them and have clearly made a deliberate decision to NOT mention it in front of OP or give her even any hint about it - to me they could not make it any clearer that they don't want her involved.

Besides why would you WANT to go into business with people who only take you on under sufferance and have already proven they will prioritise each other and the business over friendship and loyalty - surely the most important thing in any partnership is trust?

@latetothefisting thank you, pretty much sums up how I feel.

I actually noticed both of them had gone off the map over the last month or so and this is clearly why.

the only thing that makes me feel slightly better is the rest were also excluded so it’s not as though it’s targeted. They will be putting on events as part of this set up, so I I’ll support them to an extent, but I won’t be regarding either person as a close friend going forward. It has encouraged me to focus on other people and areas.

The other thing is Robin and Kay haven’t been getting grades as high as they wanted and clubbed together recently to launch a complaint against a professor they think is unfairly marking them. They asked for anyone else who felt this way to join them in a group complaint.

as I’ve been getting straight As (though I didn’t tell them that!) I didn’t join the group. I thought this might be to do with it but probably not!

And if they had have asked you, would you have said 'we need to ask the other 3, too?'

It IS significant that there were 3 other people, alongside you, who they did not ask to join them,

It's up to you how you react, of course, but don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

@Tabarnak I don’t know. I suppose I thought the three of us were closest out of the bigger group and I now realise that was just my feeling and not shared by them.

It has left me feeling bitter though which I don’t like. Don’t want to cut off my nose etc as you say.

Who had the original idea for the business venture? Was it them or was it you?

It probably is!!

@ScullyD that sounds a shitty thing for them to do. Did either of them tell you about / discuss their plans in the lead up to this announcement? Maybe they became jealous of you somehow (though I know you said you didn’t tell them about your excellent result). Do you think they found out how well you were doing in comparison to them?

Regardless, I can understand you feeling hurt as you thought the 3 of you were equally as close. I think that the old adage of 3 being a crowd still applies. Usually 1 person either accidentally or on purpose gets left out. I’d focus on moving forward with the other people in the group and hopefully form better and more honest relationships. I would still be friendly with the other 2 but just be a little cautious as they come across as sly.

I actively avoided doing university projects and talking about business ideas with friends: risks of this kind of thing happening was one of the reasons.

I don’t divulge ideas I may one day want to pursue myself 😆

Understandable to feel sad they didn’t want you to be part of their venture, but it doesn’t necessarily reflect on how they think and feel about you as a friend.

Most new businesses don’t make money. I preferred to seek the security of a job but appreciate watching those who are more entrepreneurial go for it - a few I knew who did are now rich!

In their new venture how much are they using ideas/research/ general work done by the other members of that group? If they're not getting the grades and you (and maybe the others) were, how much are they piggy-backing off the rest of you?