To feel like I’m 13 again feeling excluded?

[ScullyD]

I decided to go back to uni as a mature student last year. I won’t go into detail in case of recognition but it’s something where at the end of it I hoped I might meet like minded people to set up a company with if I was lucky.

I met lots of people I get on with casually, but two in particular I hit it off with, Robin and Kay. We became close friends. A few months ago we had a group assessment and Robin asked me to work with her, Kay and 3 other women were friends with. We were all aligned on our pitch and got a high mark, and said we should make the idea a reality after graduation.

Now it turns out Kay and Robin have launched their own company doing exactly what I hoped and I’m gutted. Other people on the course sent lots of good luck etc messages to the group chat we’re on when they announced it and I noticed that none of the other women from the original assessment said anything either. So I’m assuming they also feel left out.

AIBU to question whether I want to remain close after this? Am I being pathetic? Maybe I’m being petty but it’s showed me we’re not that close and would’ve loved to be part of it. Unless I’m prepared to support them while being upset and leaving my pride out of it…

It could work because everyone covers different areas. This is how it functioned during the project as there were many different roles to cover.

Who knows though, maybe it will all implode! Not that I hope for that 😉

I understand, it would leave a bad taste in my mouth too and I’m not even super sensitive to these kind of things.

I know it must feel annoying that you had another option and chose this one, but you wouldn’t have known how this would turn out so it’s just one of those things I guess.

I would just be friendly and amiable but keep a certain distance both professionally and personally. And keep my best ideas and my best work to myself 😂

I'd recommend doing some work to process the trauma you speak of OP - it seems clear that it is stopping you from dealing with this situation maturely, and will no doubt be making things feel a lot worse too. All the best.

Given the project/business is closely related to your course which they are struggling with whilst you are getting A grades you are better off striking out alone anyway.

I have no idea what sort of business it could possibly be that there’s a company founder and the students want to work together to start up. Is it something you can set up alone?

But as a PP said, it might benefit you to do some work on your past exclusion to rebuild your own emotional resilience as situations like this may crop up at any point.

I can't conceptualise what the OP is describing

4-6 completely different roles / tasks but no distinct leadership required?

It must be a very specific niche that Ive never encountered.

Why are you planning to try to go into business with other people (the other woman you mention) you don’t know well? Was it always your plan to pursue something entrepreneurial, aiming for it to be your main income?

@Timetowine your actions at age 11 sound thoughtless at best, or indeed bullying: club at school for only a few of you, selected by that small few? Talking about it in front of others then saying they couldn’t join. Weird that you use it as an example to seek that OP’s concerns about her friends’ behaviour is unreasonable.

You can tell them that they can’t use anything you have joint ownership of, including branding, slogans etc that are too close to work you were involved in.

Two is company 3 is a crowd, dont regret it, with any group of 3 one will become the odd one out, I've seen it many times, you were lucky.

This. I would be far angrier about them using my intellectual property than being excluded, and if you are the one getting As, then I bet the bulk of your work is being used by them. If you ever want to launch the same business yourself, you need to act now to stop them using your IP. Remember, these women are not your friends, this is business, speak to your tutors for advice.

@ScullyD they've been really mean.

I get that business is business but I'd feel really miffed that you thought you were friends and part of a team but they clearly had other ideas and don't think you're good enough for whatever reasons.

Personally I'd roll with the same idea and involve the other person left out. Two people in a start up means less over heads plus the two of you will have that added pissed off energy to help you succeed.

I mean it will kill any friendship but that has pretty much been done already...

I think your coursework is copyrighted to the university, not you individually?

It often is for scientific research, but it seems unlikely if the course is designed to help people start their own businesses. She’d have to check the contract. Either way, the other women have no right to profit from her work.

Hold on - so you WERE invited into the original plan, but because Robin and Kay didn't tell you they were too, you turned the chance down?

More fool you then!

And why are you upset now with them, rather than yourself for having a misplaced loyalty/not seeing further than the end of your nose?

Hopefully this will be a lesson to you to appreciate and accept opportunities when they arise, rather than moaning about people after who took a chance.

@7854RRF I think you've misunderstood.

If you're that bothered about the value of your input start a competitive business and prove you were right.

Or drop it and go another way there is no future in pursuing what might have been.

Is the spiteful tone really necessary for so early on a Saturday morning?!

You have misunderstood. She was asked by another group to work with them and turned it down to work with Robin and Kay. Who have now launched on the basis of the work they did together with OP, leaving her out. She is right to feel aggrieved. Not only is she excluded but they appear to be using her IP.

You do know that MN isn't only accessible in the UK yeah? So in other places around the world it maybe later - and "spiteful tones" are acceptable at this later hour? 😂

Anyway - from the OP I’m kicking myself because other than Robin, this other woman asked me to be in a group with her and people I didn’t know well at first. I turned her down to be with my friends because I hoped that would lead to doing more together professionally later. Now they ARE doing that but leave me out.

So no misunderstanding - she was given an opportunity, and by her own admission, turned it down because she didn't think it was as good as being with her friends

They may feel less close to you because you are older.

@ScullyD what kind of course are you doing?
Its interesting that forming a business with fellow students sounds commonplace.
That certainly didn't happen when I was at uni but then again I am very old

So she chose to work with her friends. Most people would. Still doesn’t require the spite.

I was told "there are no friends in business ".

Don't beat yourself up for feeling hurt. We are social animals and we're literally programmed to notice being excluded and to feel bad about it (for much of human history being excluded could mean being left without food or no one watching your back when predators were around!).

Let yourself feel it, then remind yourself that you don't need these women. Whatever their reason for excluding you, you can't control their actions. But you can set something up yourself (and hopefully do far better than them). Try to use it to spur on your own success.

No business is business that does not exclude friends, always do business with those you trust, any doubt about their character stay away

For example Trump has got rich in business, people have trusted him and got screwed. His character is really awful, just dont deal with him, or anyone like that, they will screw you.

@Mathsbabe I’m not older as I mentioned up thread.

I agree with you @Tulipsriver we are social animals and I don’t think I need therapy just because I feel hurt here.

But I am sad because I do take this as a sign that they don’t want to work with me for some reason that they haven’t voiced and I’m going to find it hard to continue the friendships with any of them now. I feel like thay sort of used me for the group then dropped me.