SIL sending DN to my house

[girlmummy25]

My SIL works full time and GPs pick her kids up once a week until she gets home from work about 6:30pm however, whenever GPs are on holiday (which is a lot!) ill get a phone call at 4pm saying my nephew is on his way to my house in a cab and that she hopes thats ok.
Nephew is 12 and of course I need to feed him but where I dont know he is coming its normally unlikely that ive prepared a dinner to feed another person who has adult portions.

I just find it so rude to tell me on the day as he is on his way! Its happened about 4 times now, twice I have missed her call so she will then just ring her brother (my DH) and tell him instead and make sure one of us is home.

Tomorrow she is due to do it again, AIBU to confront her about it if she does it again and just say I expect a little more heads up? (Especially as she knows GPs will be away weeks in advance!)

Her home is only 5 mins away from us but for some reason she doesnt want him home alone until shes home (he is a sensible boy so not 100% sure why - especially as she deems him old enough to get cabs)

just make it a DH issue. Don't be there, just hand it off to him and disappear out of the house until he handles it.

Go out!!!

She is a CF. Honestly get your dh to tell her to give her son a key so he can go to his own home. He’s 12 ffs! He can let himself into a house and fix a small meal for himself without causing an international incident.

If she sulks or asks why you can’t have him just say “I have two small kids and we have things to do after school so it’s never convenient for DN to simply turn up when we are about to have dinner or go out. We love DN but we never agreed to be your substitut childcare. And now he is absolutely old enough to be home alone, it’s embarrassing for him that you don’t trust him to get home on his own and be in the house and make a microwave dinner for himself.”

Be out for the day. He’ll have to get a taxi somewhere else…

I'll get shit for this but I think that some people who rely heavily on their parents for childcare never really fully grown up.

Yeah not what I said. Try reading what people actually post.

Arrange to be out. When she calls, tell her. 'Sorry, I'm out until 7.30pm.'

Don't prewarn her. She'll have to deflect to Plan B.

DH has to say 'sorry it doesn't work for me'. And return the taxi . It won't happen twice.

They won't babysit.

You just need to preplan to not be available. 12 is fine to be home on his own for a couple of hours.

That does sound annoying. I think I’d sort out with your DH what or whether you’re willing to continue. Then he needs to send a text or say in person to his sister that you just need a bit of a heads up (say 2 days or whatever) to make sure you have made enough dinner etc. It’s odd she doesn’t want him home for a bit as a sensible 12 yo but is willing to put him alone in a taxi.

You have two options (well 3 if you include allowing it to carry on)
First option is to contact her, tell her its not on and you don't want to hear without notice that DN is on his way tomorrow. If she does you will turn the taxi right back round and tell it to go back to her house.
Second option (would be my choice in the short term) I'd make a plan now to be out tomorrow at that time and stay out for at least an hr - shopping trip and DH finishes work early and joins you?
Then next time GP are on holiday I'd do the same for the first day. If she carries on after that I would resort to option 1.

Tell her politely she cannot assume it will be convenient, you need advance warning so you can prepare the correct amount of food ,and that you expect to be reimbursed for that food- she can afford a cab she can afford food, she can't expect to be subsidised from your household budget.

Text her both of you will be out tomorrow so please don't send dn over in a taxi as nobody to let him in.

I’d just say or text “We love seeing nephew but can you please ask us first in future?”

Apologies I did quote the wrong post.

Are the grandparents on the same side as you? Ie do you know when they’re going to be away? Maybe they just assume you know and therefore by default expect him. Not right but might explain it

I'd just message her and say you are planning on spending more time out of the house with the kids after school and as DH shouldn't be answering his phone if in a meeting she needs to pre-arrange visits from DN ahead of time.

Throw in that you would hate to leave him stranded but you cannot guarantee being home or available when given such short notice that he's already on the way.

She clearly has a vein of CF in her so she won't like being told but at this point your choices are to either speak up or put up with it.

I know which I'd choose.

But he’s 12 - perfectly old enough to be home on his own!

This is madness she can’t just send her child to you with no notice or agreement beforehand. Why are you putting up with this?

So weird, he should be going home! I did that as a high schooler and so do mine. He’s not 5! Next time he turns up, tell him you’re off out and he needs to go home. Simple! I’d also be checking your DH hasn’t told her it’s fine behind your back!

Not OP’s issue. No one is more bound to held someone because they are a lone parent. A 12yo is fine on their own. She’s massively entitled. She’s also ringing last minute by design so OP doesn’t haven chance to say no.

No wonder the GP’s escape off on holiday

You're clearly a living saint. How wonderful for you and all who know you

I would have a chat with your dh and discuss what kind of support you are willing to offer. I would then phone her myself and discuss it with her. I realise a lot of posters will say your dh ought to speak to her but realistically if he is wfh it is you that is keeping an eye on him so I'd speak to her myself. I am quite frank though.

I very much do think she is being unreasonable. You actually sound lovely and it's not the feeding your nephew that is the issue. It's the assumption that you will be free to have him and do so out of the goodness of your heart. Like you have said one of yours goes swimming, what about when the other has clubs they would like to attend? She isn't formalising childcare by asking for your help in advance. She is just sending him in a taxi expecting you to pick up her slack. She should be recognising that this is a favour to her and actually you are both putting yourself out for nephew.

Your children are related to her too, how often does she help you out? I appreciate you are a sahm so perhaps you don't need childcare throughout the week but if you and your dh want to go on a date does she have your dc? She is a CF and as long as you guys let her get away with it unchallenged she will continue.

On posts similar to yours people always go on about family and how we should always help them out etc. they are likely CFs too. Family goes both ways.

I mean it clearly is OPs issue as here she is asking for opinions. Some of us are telling her to talk to her, work out what’s going on. I was a lone parent for many years, never pulled anything remotely like this as I was fortunate enough to be able to afford a live in nanny, but clearly there is help needed and SIL is Family. Maybe they should just talk! 12 is not old enough to be left alone, SEN or no SEN.
SIL needs wrap around care or for a more formal agreement with OP/after
school club when the GP are away.