SIL sending DN to my house

[girlmummy25]

My SIL works full time and GPs pick her kids up once a week until she gets home from work about 6:30pm however, whenever GPs are on holiday (which is a lot!) ill get a phone call at 4pm saying my nephew is on his way to my house in a cab and that she hopes thats ok.
Nephew is 12 and of course I need to feed him but where I dont know he is coming its normally unlikely that ive prepared a dinner to feed another person who has adult portions.

I just find it so rude to tell me on the day as he is on his way! Its happened about 4 times now, twice I have missed her call so she will then just ring her brother (my DH) and tell him instead and make sure one of us is home.

Tomorrow she is due to do it again, AIBU to confront her about it if she does it again and just say I expect a little more heads up? (Especially as she knows GPs will be away weeks in advance!)

Her home is only 5 mins away from us but for some reason she doesnt want him home alone until shes home (he is a sensible boy so not 100% sure why - especially as she deems him old enough to get cabs)

Surely he's old enough to let himself in his house and feed himself?
I would take myself and my children for a pizza every time and not be available

Why cant a 12 year old just go home?

You and DH definitely need to be out tomorrow - maybe a treat out with your kids before swimming?

This.
OP should be asked if it's ok and at the time the GP booked the holiday and know when they are away.

It's just rude entitlement as it is.

Which is why OP (who sounds very reasonable and accommodating) has put this in AIBU.....to be p*ed off at being taken for granted.

The atleast 4 times have been this year, so atleast from January.
If GPs holiday stretches over 2 pick ups she will do it to me two weeks in a row. So it probably been more than 4 times.

isnt much back story to be honest, just tends to be that we dont hear much from her unless she wants something from us

oh my goodness poor child! But yes foot down with his mother!

Would you be happy for him to come if you have notice? Or prefer he doesn't come at all?
If the former, your DH needs to message his sister saying he needs to know when DN will be coming at least a week in advance.
If the latter he needs to tell her you can no longer look after him so please make other arrangements or give him a key to get in

No need for any game playing or white lies. They don't address the issue.
Just say it: Next time you need me to take in DN please let me know in advance so I can plan dinner etc

Nope. Just someone who would think nothing of doing favours for family. Think of it this way: your kids are little and hers will very soon be old enough to babysit. Play the long game here….

Id send her a message
hello SIL, I suppose I will be getting an impromptu message tomorrow saying Johnny is on his way over. So just to let you know, I am not available.
Should you require me to do your wrap around care in the future, please give me a warning, ( you clearly know when your parents are away well ahead if time)so i can have some food available for him. & we will have to determine how much this will cost in the future, if I am available.

Tell her that you feel used.

Tell her to send a meal that can be reheated for him, she may rethink it then and let him go home. I wouldn't be surprised if she sends him so she can get out of doing the cooking and cleaning for him.

I would just say (after tomorrow) that you are happy to have him but would appreciate more notice, as it isn’t always convenient and the meals you plan won’t always stretch easily to cater for another person.

If he’s no real trouble while he’s there I wouldn't risk family upset by refusing to have him. I’m sure it won’t be long before he’ll be happy to be home on his own.

or tell her that you only have RedBull and gummi bears in so if she's happy with that, he can stay for tea?

There is one simple solution and that is not being there, and letting your DH who is supposed to be working handle it.

Let your DH deal with it. He needs to tell his sister that DN is 12 years old and should be going home after school and that you have your hands full with two small children, swimming lessons, and errands, and slinging last minute babysitting on you is inconsiderate and often inconvenient. If he does need to go to yours occasionally you need proper notice so you can plan the evening meal.

Ask your dh to tell her not to. It's fine to ask but it's also fine for you to say no. Go out tomorrow and say sorry I'm out.

Why can’t his dad look after him?

SIL is being a CF

Why not text her in the morning and tell her that as GP aren’t around, you’re afraid you and dh are not able to help today as you’re out.. just in case she was planning on sending dn over.

Devils advocate, enjoy the time with him. He won’t want to come for much longer, let the kids be together without any pressure. It will be their memories of their cousins. I know it’s an expense and inconvenience but I’d honestly try to feel flattered she wants him with you x

I struggle to understand families who are close enough to send kids to each other's homes but are so hesitant to have a conversation with each other.

She feels at-ease enough (or we can call it inconsiderate enough) with you to send her son over without warning and yet you're angsting over saying "SIL, we love DN but don't appreciate you sending him over without asking ahead of time. That's not fair to us or to DN. Next time time talk to us at least a few days in advance so we can check our schedule and plan".

If you expect this to happen tomorrow tell your DH that either you're going to call or he can. Ask her if she was planning to send him tomorrow. If she says no, say you're glad to hear that and then continue with the speech above. If she says yes, tell her whether that's ok this week (up to you) and then continue with the speech above.

Stop tiptoeing around someone who readily shoves past you.